TITLE: Lynchpin
GENRE: YA Thriller
Alanna Stephens' latent ability to manipulate the four elements can only be triggered by agonizing pain. An off-the-books CIA operation — led by Alanna's adoptive father — exploits her powers with torture, forcing her to create natural disasters. But when a rogue agent threatens to expose Project Lynchpin, Alanna's next target becomes a volcano. She has only ten days to gain control over her powers and escape, or she will be forced to kill the agent — along with one thousand innocent people.
I’m perpetually late to gym class, and senior year is no exception.
I’ve joked to Noelle that there’s no point in being on time if I’m not actually able to participate, but really, the emptier the locker room, the less likely it is that someone will see if my skin shows evidence of a Lynchpin session.
I rush in with a frazzled, apologetic look on my face, just in case Ms. Finley is there. The coast is clear, so I stroll to my locker and drop my bag on the bench where Noelle sits, tying her shoelaces. She shakes her head when she sees me.
“Alanna! It’s the second day!”
I shrug. “Tardiness is a side effect of my condition.”
According to my doctor’s note, I’ve been diagnosed with severe asthma and mild hemophilia, a combination that’s excused me from every gym class since elementary school. Both are lies, but the truth is worse.
“I can’t see Finley buying that one, but good luck.”
As if on cue, a whistle trills in the gym — the thirty second warning.
"Go ahead," I say, shooing Noelle away, "I'll meet you out there."
By the time I’ve spun my combination lock left, right, and left again, I’m the last one in the room. I grab the regulation Blue Ridge Academy t-shirt and pull it on over the three-quarter-sleeve shirt I wore today. The movement tugs the edges of the red, puckered burn scar on my right upper arm.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm intrigued by the fact that this is obviously set in present day (e.g., CIA) and yet there are elements or hints of magic as well (e.g., four elements).
ReplyDeleteQuestion: if she's always been excused from gym class, why does she go to her locker and actually get ready for it?
Anyway, (potential) contradictions aside, it sounds like an engaging read.
Best of luck with it!
Intriguing concept!. Shouldn't your genre be YA Paranormal because of your MC's supernatural abilities? Also, the logline is a bit confusing to me. Don't know what you mean by a volcano being her next target.
ReplyDeleteI like your first line, but I think you can take out the next part about joking w/ Noelle and start with, "The emptier the locker room..." Another thought, "the coast is clear" is super cliché; I bet you can come up with something else using your MC's voice. I don't have a sense of her personality just yet.
I really liked this! Like another commenter mentioned, I was a tad bit confused by the volcano part in the log line, but over all really good job. I definitely want to keep reading to find out more about her condition. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing! I was a bit confused by the volcano/getting control of her powers part of the logline as well, and I also wondered why she was dressing out for gym if she wasn't going to participate. I think this could be easily solved by a simple, "Even though I'm excused from gym, Finley still demands that I dress out," or something like that. And the reason I'd keep reading--the burn scar on her right upper arm (well, that coupled with what the logline told me). ;) I definitely want to learn more!
ReplyDeleteThis is so unique and disturbing! The logline was intriguing, although I do agree it could be tightened -- this feels more like a synopsis than a pitch, and this is such a super idea I think you could get the high concept in a sentence or two.
ReplyDeleteI think the girls feel very naturally teen in this scene, trying to escape PE and figuring out ways to do it (my hubs is a PE teacher!), and I can feel her anxiety and her friendship with Noelle.
I would definitely read more of this!!!! Best of luck. Love the idea.
Good show of your MC's anxiety! Seems she has a lot of secrets, which makes for an interesting & mysterious character.
ReplyDeleteThough I'm intrigued by the concept of the CIA and ability to manipulate the four elements, I was confused by the genre you indicated above. Seems magic will play an important part in the story. As I was reading, I wanted more grounding/setting details, so I could experience everything through the MC's eyes.
Good luck!
Definitely a thrilling premise! The first page is well-written and clear, and i like their friendship, but for such an exciting story idea, it's a bit of a mundane beginning. (And like other commenters, I wondered why she was in gym at all.)
ReplyDeleteI think you might be better off starting in the midst of a Lynchpin session, which would both be more exciting, and also show the reader about her situation and her powers without having to explain it. Just a thought. Good luck!
Yeah, a random day in gym class doesn't seem an exciting start. The only interesting thing here is the burn scar. It seems this type of big story should have a more exciting opening.
ReplyDeleteHi, there.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what a lot of other comments have hit on: that the logline is especially interesting, but this opening doesn't showcase that.
It does successfully show that it's contemporary and set in present day, but I was really hoping for an opening that showcased her manipulating one of the four elements.
Or--and I'm not normally a fan of prologues or scene openers--what if you showed a moment of her being tortured (although light on the torture) and forcing a natural disaster to occur? Something like that would help get the action going right away, and also wouldn't bury what makes the story so interesting.
I would definitely think about moving this scene elsewhere and starting with something more exciting. The "late to school" opening has been done a lot. But someone controlling the four elements? Way fresher.
Keep writing, and good luck!
I don't know that Thriller is the right genre for this, since there's a fantasy element to it. I mean, if you can take the fantasy out, and it's still a thriller, than that's probably the right genre. But if you can't take the fantasy out without the plot falling apart, then it probably belongs in paranormal or urban fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI actually really liked the opening. I think part of the issue is the genre. If this is a thriller, it probably does need to open with much more of bang. But as an UF, I don't mind the slower start, getting us to understand her day to day life. (of course, I certainly don't think an exciting opening with some action would hurt at all).
Overall, I really liked it. I would have kept reading.
Good luck!
Ooooh, I like this premise a lot. I love the sentences that hint at what is going on sprinkled throughout. Makes for great pacing.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes!
This is really intriguing! I love the idea that she's hiding this larger power that is triggered by pain--and that the scars are all over her body.
ReplyDeleteHere's my pick: the first line isn't working for me. I like how it starts off "perpetually late for gym class..." but the second half "senior year is no exception" isn't as strong. I feel like the next line (second para) is just reiterating the lateness. So does the third para.
Here's my suggestion: scrap the first two paras and start with this instead: According to my doctor’s note, I’ve been diagnosed with severe asthma and mild hemophilia, a combination that’s excused me from every gym class since elementary school. Both are lies, but the truth is worse.
Then continue the scene at: "I rush in with a frazzled..."
10 pages.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to disagree with those comments about starting with a Lynchpin session. Though I will agree with them that starting in a locker room isn't really the place to start either.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to start with the RESULT of a Lynchpin session. Show us the storm or whatever other natural disaster you want to use. Show us from as far out, narratively, as you can. (Imagine the famous satellite photo of Hurricane Katrina, start there. Then start zooming in, taking the reader on a narrative ride like what happens when you use Google Earth, until we're in the absolute middle of the storm, on a personal level, seeing the actual damage on the human level). Then, and only then, pull back far enough to show the monitors or whatever of the 'off-the-books CIA op' as they watch what's happening (perhaps readying rescue operations or something...not sure how you cover that in the book) and then, and only then, pulling back just a little farther to show us Alanna being tortured and how that immediately affects the storm they're monitoring.
Now, admittedly, that's only my opinion, but I think it'd be an incredibly powerful way to open. (Sorry I phrased it so visually, I have a theater/film background so I use that to describe writing a lot).
Best of luck, I think this has tremendous potential.
I'm going to disagree with those comments about starting with a Lynchpin session. Though I will agree with them that starting in a locker room isn't really the place to start either.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to start with the RESULT of a Lynchpin session. Show us the storm or whatever other natural disaster you want to use. Show us from as far out, narratively, as you can. (Imagine the famous satellite photo of Hurricane Katrina, start there. Then start zooming in, taking the reader on a narrative ride like what happens when you use Google Earth, until we're in the absolute middle of the storm, on a personal level, seeing the actual damage on the human level). Then, and only then, pull back far enough to show the monitors or whatever of the 'off-the-books CIA op' as they watch what's happening (perhaps readying rescue operations or something...not sure how you cover that in the book) and then, and only then, pulling back just a little farther to show us Alanna being tortured and how that immediately affects the storm they're monitoring.
Now, admittedly, that's only my opinion, but I think it'd be an incredibly powerful way to open. (Sorry I phrased it so visually, I have a theater/film background so I use that to describe writing a lot).
Best of luck, I think this has tremendous potential.