TITLE: Patient Zero
GENRE: NA Speculative
Quinn likes Luke, but is unsure of him because he is a townie and she is a wealthy, art major college student. They aren't officially together...yet...
I sift through the delicate pink wrapping. “Where did you get this, the Girls’ Shop for Women and All Things Feminine and Ladylike?”
He emits another hearty laugh. “Pretty much. I don’t know, I just saw it and thought, what the hell.”
Nestled inside the paper is a small chain with a little, metal palette. It isn’t just silver either, it has colors for each of the bulbous paints. It’s basically hideous. Though mercifully small.
I don’t lie. Not even a tad. I look at him warmly. He shifts his eyes back and forth from the road to me via the rearview mirror. He’s holding his breath.
“That was really sweet of you,” I say. See, no lies. “I’m going to wear it right now.” Also not a lie. I unclasp it, moving my hair aside, and clasp it again, removing my other necklace that my mom got me from Tiffany’s. Tiffany will have to wait. She will understand. And I guess if Luke and I ever have breakfast, it would be outside of the Girls’ Shop for Women and All Things Feminine and Ladylike.
I pull the palette away from my chest and rub my thumb along it. He breathes out and smiles.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I just want to say that I'm really loving this "Drop the Needle" because there are so many tender gift-giving moments, and this is definitely one of them. I like this character. In just a few words you show what kind of a person she is, plus there's a great voice in this piece.
ReplyDeleteI like the humor in this. I like that Quinn is teasing without being unkind about the present, and that she wears it even though she secretly thinks it's hideous. A sweet moment. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI can see Quinn likes to joke around (at least that’s what I see because she’s making fun of the wrapping - good job), but I don’t see what this gift means to her. Yeah, she thinks the necklace is hideous and wears it, but it’s all kind of flat. Does the gift make her excited, putting butterflies in her stomach? Or does it make her nervous and cause a sweat to break out? Add a little more sensory detail and you’ve got a winner!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, the part at the end where she implies she would show him the kind of stores she likes, seemed kind of selfish (unless that’s what you were going for).
Thanks! These are very helpful and encouraging comments :)
ReplyDeleteYou establish a strong voice with the humor in this scene.
ReplyDeleteo The word 'sift' makes me think of her running her fingers through bits of confetti size pieces. Assuming that is not what she is doing, consider using a different word to describe what she is actually doing.
o The line 'She will understand.' coming immediately after 'Tiffany will have to wait.' made me think you were talking about Tiffany. Since Tiffany was a man, that can't be right. Consider changing to 'Mom will understand' to clarify who she is talking about.
Otherwise, nice writing.
I completely did not realize Tiffany, of Tiffany's, was a man. This is why these critiques are so useful. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice. I even liked the main character from this short bit.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was confused on one thing.
Nestled inside the paper is a small chain with a little, metal palette. It isn’t just silver either, it has colors for each of the bulbous paints. It’s basically hideous. Though mercifully small.
What exactly is this saying. It's trying to describe the necklace but not in any way that makes sense to me. Maybe it's because I'm not too familiar with art terms.
Still, it didn't ruin my enjoyment of this excerpt.
I thought this worked pretty well. I did wonder what she thought about Luke giving her the gift. Clearly, she thinks it's ugly, but how does she feel about the thought behind it? Is she moved by Luke wanting to give her a gift. Is she secretly laughing at him. Show it, whatever it is.
ReplyDeletePerhaps He laughs again, rather than he 'emits' a laugh.
If Luke and I ever have breakfast it 'will' be . . .
I like your depiction of the developing relationship and the personality of the MC!
ReplyDeleteI think the comment at the end about the stores was a joke on his taste in wrapping paper, as in they'd go for breakfast right next to the store where he supposedly could have gotten the wrapping paper.
I totally got how she felt about Luke's necklace. She looked at him warmly. She took off the expensive necklace so she could wear his.
What I didn't get was "...looked at me via the rearview mirror." That makes it seem like she had to be in the back seat. Or do you mean he looked from the road to the mirror, then at her, then the mirror, then the road, etc.?
Re: Tiffany. You could just omit "She will understand" and it would work just as well. Unless you did mean MOM will understand. (OTOH, maybe Mom wouldn't understand if she's the snobby type who won't like the townie relationship.)