TITLE: MINDSWEPT
GENRE: YA Thriller
I climb into the driver's seat and tug off the wig that's been torturing my scalp for the last three hours. If hair could breathe, mine would be gasping in relief right now.
"Better put these on, Nessa." My cousin Beth picks up my jeans from her seat.
She has a point. I shouldn't be driving around in my grandmother's car wearing a corset and thigh-high stockings. I pull the banana out of the front of my spangly black underwear and chuck it in her lap. With a horrified squeak, she tosses it onto the floor.
"God, that was so much fun." My knees thump the steering wheel as I kick my heels off and squirm into the jeans.
Beth hands me my t-shirt. She played it safe dressing up as Janet for the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight, in a plain white dress and cardigan. She didn't even need to hide her outfit when we left the house. I, on the other hand, required a full costume change in the movie theater parking lot. It was so worth it. For a few precious hours, I wasn't Nessa Shea, Junior class treasurer and crew team captain. I was Dr. Frank N Furter, deranged cross-dressing alien and red-lipstick aficionado from Transsexual, Transylvania.
I grab a tissue out of Grammy's center console and scrub off the chest hair I drew on earlier with eyeliner. It's depressing that I fill out this corset as well as Tim Curry, but at least for tonight that was a good thing.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love this opening!Feel like I'm right there with the MC except that I'm filled with curiosity about why she's dressed as she is and what in the world they're doing! (Hooked, in other words.)
ReplyDeleteOnce that info is revealed I feel like maybe something else needs to be introduced that will keep me hooked (or maybe you could keep the reader wondering a little longer?) But I would definitely continue reading because you've done a great job introducing your MC with a fun scene IMO, and I would be optimistic that a lot more good stuff is coming up soon!
This is a fresh, engaging opening that brought me right back to my own teens. (Not that I ever dressed as Frank Furter, but I did the Time Warp at a lot of midnight shows!) I hope your target audience will appreciate it too.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is top-notch. My only slight criticism is that the last paragraph might stretch the costume description a little too far. I'd prefer to see more dialogue there, or something else to move the action forward.
I freaking love this. I was skimming through entries to see if any writer-friends made it in, and yours grabbed me so hard I simply HAD to read the whole thing. I'm a pretty thorough critiquer, but I don't have any suggestions for once. This is pure gold.
ReplyDeleteI love this, too. So unique. And it kept me guessing until you reveal what the costume's for, which is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I wanted to see is a hint of the "thriller" aspect of the story. But, of course, this is only the first 250 words :-)
Good luck with this!
I agree with Linda. There's humor, but not clue about the thriller part. Also, can you put on jeans while sitting behind the steering wheel? I can't.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Rebecca that this needs dialogue and more action to move the story forward.
Good luck with a fresh idea.
Love the opening of this. The pace is fast, engaging and fun.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest trimming down the costume talk towards the end of the excerpt, and move to dialogue, as others have suggested, or progress the plot.
Other than that point, I thought this was great!
Love the banana, and her friend's reaction to it! Overall, this flowed well and was entertaining. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this. I was looking for the thriller hint but it may come right after this. Great job overall. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteIt was a fun opening and well written, and does show us the MC's charater, but it's the end of an event we didn't see, (so how important was it?) and I'm thinking that dressing up for the Rocky Horror Picture SHow probably isn't all that relevant to the overall plot.
ReplyDeleteI'd read a bit more but I'd need something more before too long.
I loved these first two sentences-what a fun opening! The whole scene is well written and engaging, and it gave me a sense of our main character right away. I'd read on.
ReplyDelete