TITLE: COLLIDE
GENRE: MG Sci-Fi
As their hot air balloon ascended, the air became thin and frigid, and the fabric of the balloon flapped in the wind. Above them the night sky glowed with waves of undulating green and pinks. Everywhere the horizon was streaked with colors as if an artist had taken a brush to the sky.
Orion shivered and zipped his jacket to his chin making him look like a turtle. He rested his gloved fingers on the edge of the wicker basket and looked down. The island of Tromso and its tiny lights disappeared as the balloon rose. The colorful wooden houses turned into shrinking specks and the fjords, narrow strips of sea sandwiched by icy cliffs, reflected the misty colors of the aurora dancing across the sky.
Mr. Christensen, the elderly pilot of the balloon, gazed up at the green and magenta waves. “In all my life, I’ve never seen the lights so big.”
Orion pulled his gaze away from the fjords. “Really?”
“Portent of bad things, it is,” Mr. Christensen grumbled under his breath, shaking his head.
“Rubbish,” Orion’s Dad said. Orion watched his Dad extend a long bronze telescope and press the eye piece below his brow. “There’s a scientific explanation for everything old man.” Wind gusts ruffled his dark curly hair as he pointed to a patch of sky where the Aurora Borealis seemed especially bright.
“Whatever you say, Ackerman,” Mr. Christensen growled and his gnarled hands pulled on the valve that ignited the burner. As a blast of flames shot into the bottom of the balloon, Mr. Christensen’s face broke into a wrinkly grin. Flames roared again from the burner and Orion wondered if this was what a fire breathing dragon would be like.
“Get her as high as she’ll go,” Dr. Ackerman yelled.
The wicker basket swayed and vibrated as the balloon lifted higher into the sky. The smell of kerosene burned Orion’s nose. He gripped the edge of the basket to steady himself. “Dad, aren’t we high enough?”
“Almost,” he answered, and reached to open a large nylon bag propped in the corner of the basket.
“What’s in the—” Orion’s question stuck in his throat. Dr. Ackerman pulled a miniature torpedo launcher out of the bag.
“Uh…Dad?”
Mr. Christensen narrowed his eyes and gave Dr. Ackerman a skeptical frown. “That better not blow up my balloon!”
Dad buckled under the weight, staggering a bit, before he hoisted it atop his right shoulder. “Nonsense, old man.” He patted the side of the launcher like it was a pet dog. “This is how we’re going to talk to the lights.”
Orion swallowed hard as cold air stung his face. Shivers wracked his body and he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or freaking out that they were going to die. “Why do we need to talk to the lights?”
“The Aurora Borealis is bigger and brighter this year than it’s ever been in recorded history,” Dr. Ackerman explained, then turned to Mr. Christensen.
Miss Snark's First Victim
What a beautiful opening image! The hot air balloon ascending into the aurora borealis is really cool!
ReplyDeleteTwo things that I wanted to point out as potential concerns though:
First, the vocabulary level and sentence structures verge on being a bit too difficult for MG. Breaking down a few of your sentence might help in my very humble opinion.
Second, there is a definite steampunk vibe coming from the bronze telescope and hot air balloon. Then suddenly, Orion's dad pulls out a rocket launcher from a nylon bag, which sounds completely modern/future. That threw me for a loop! If that's your intention, that's totally fine; it just felt like your details weren't cohesive yet within the world you're building.
This has a distinct science, bordering on steampunk, flavor which drew me right in.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion is about the weight of the torpedo launcher. Wouldn't the gondola sway a little as Orion's dad struggles to hoist it onto his shoulder? And wouldn't Orion feel a little seasick as the gondola sways?
I liked it and would read more.
I thought this was very well-written and you set such a beautiful scene with your words and I'm definitely curious to see what this will be about and what is going to happen. I love the steam punk feel and the hot air balloons and the language you use. Sorry I'm not being to helpful :) I just love it :) If I were to agree with something that's been said is it may sound on the verge of being too old. But it could be upper MG. I don't think you need to use smaller words, just shorter sentences, or bring it more down to Orion's point of view, not the adults.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of them wanting to talk to the lights. Fabulous. And for the most part this is working well.
ReplyDeleteJust a few nitpicks. Some longer sentences were hard to read. The first sentence is one. Consider leaving the detail about the fabric flapping until later -- maybe the second paragraph when Orion zips up his jacket. Another one is this:
"The colorful wooden houses turned into shrinking specks and the fjords, narrow strips of sea sandwiched by icy cliffs, reflected the misty colors of the aurora dancing across the sky."
I read that sentence three times before I understood it.
Two other nitpicks. A lot of the dialogue seems unnatural and clunky to me. For example: “In all my life, I’ve never seen the lights so big.” Why not just say "I've never seen the lights so big." Or this one: “There’s a scientific explanation for everything old man.” Is this even needed? It sounds forced to me. Just saying "rubbish" and showing us he's a scientist is enough.
And finally, you main character is overshadowed in this opening. In fact, except for a tiny bit of dialogue this line is the first time your MC is more than just an observer: "Orion swallowed hard as cold air stung his face. Shivers wracked his body and he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or freaking out that they were going to die."
What is Orion feeling or thinking as they balloon ascends into what must be an awesome light show? Is this mission dangerous? Did he know what his dad was up to before they left? Why is he with them in the first place and does he want to be there? Try sprinkling little bits of characterization in here to bring this MC to life.
I'm confused with the characters. Are there 2 or 3 or 4 (Dad, Orion, Mr Christensen, Dr. Ackerman, old man--some of these might be the same people, but I can't easily tell)? I'm not seeing the relationships or who is who.
ReplyDeleteI need more description of the torpedo launcher. I either see something the size of an RPG launcher, in which case dad wouldn't be buckling under it or a huge ship/sub mounted torpedo launcher that miht make superman buckle, but a normal person would have no chance of lifting. And then once its on dad's shoulder it doesn't seem to strain him any longer.
Interesting concept! I like the description of the balloon and the northern lights, too. A few nitpicks:
ReplyDeleteYou don't need "hot air" as we easily perceive it's a hot air balloon. Also don't need "of the balloon" in the 3rd paragraph.
Dad is a bit of a surprise since it seemed at first that Orion and the pilot were the only ones on board. You could just add: "Rubbish," Orion's dad said from the other side of the basket.
Dad isn't capitalized in "Orian's dad" or "his dad."
"...below his brow"? Why not say "to his eye."
I'd think the wicker basket would sway and vibrate immediately, so Ackerman's "Get her as high..." statement might work better after "the balloon lifted higher into the sky."
It's odd to refer to Orion's dad as Dr. Ackerman, if Orion is the MC. We need more of Orian's personality, thoughts, and POV.