TITLE: ROOT BEER CANDY AND OTHER MIRACLES
GENRE: Contemporary MG (verse)
After the storm
Felicity Bay is washed clean—
cottage roofs rain-fresh,
gleaming
in the morning sun.
Last night’s wind
rearranged driftwood
along the beach
like my mother
scrubbing, cleaning,
moving furniture around
after she and Dad fight.
Kevin’s afraid of storms.
This morning I found him
on Nana Marie’s ocean-blue couch,
wrapped in a sheet.
.
Nana Marie calls me back inside
before I can explore.
.
Bailey, she hollers. Pancakes.
.
I kick off flip-flops
on the porch,
dash in,
sit across from Kevin
at the kitchen table.
.
Don’t just stare at them, she says.
Eat, Chickadee.
.
She has to check them first, says Kevin.
.
He thinks it’s dumb
that I study the gold and white designs
fried into flapjacks,
searching
for the face of God.
He was only little
when Aunt Debbie discovered Tom Hanks
staring at her
from her breakfast plate.
She watched every one of his movies
after that,
said it changed her life.
So I say, You never know,
and I check for God.
.
Later that morning
I find Daniel outside,
peering at things
through his camera.
.
Beep
click
beep.
.
He turns on the camera,
takes a picture,
turns it off.
.
Daniel’s eleven,
same as me.
He stays in the cottage
next to Nana Marie’s
and takes pictures
of everything.
Already it feels
like we’ve been friends
a long time.
.
Where ya going? Daniel says.
.
Nowhere, I say,
and we start going there
together.
.
A short trail cuts through beach grass—
grey-green blades
as long as my legs,
dancing
in the breeze.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I am on the fence with this one. It reminds me of OUT OF THE DUST by Karen Hesse. Although, I loved that book (It was brilliant!!!), I had a hard time with the pacing and flow. I love middle grade books with verse, but I think the meter is off.
ReplyDeleteAt times, I get a rhythmic flow; but not often. I am on the fence. I will read more entries. Then I will re-read. I am a huge fan of middle grade so I want to see this work.
I don't know a lot about verse writing, but I do think the language here is beautiful like a painting, but I'm concerned about the line structure not being consistent. Also, the breaks are a little confusing. At first I thought the breaks were for when there is dialogue but then there is these lines:
ReplyDelete"said it changed her life.
So I say, You never know,
and I check for God."
But there isn't a break here when the MC speaks, so it confused me and kept me distracted. Again, I'm not completely familiar with verse, but I do like this approach for a YA Novel, and I hope it goes over well.
I don't often pop on and say things like this, but...
ReplyDeleteI love this. I really love it. The writing is lyrical, flows well, and offers wonderful imagery.
Poignant, lovely. The only constructive criticism I can think to offer is that for me, the MC's name read to me as a little trendy and didn't quite reflect the off beat beauty of the imagery and language. But that's really splitting hairs. This is the kind of book I'd buy just to own my own copy, like Counting by Sevens.
ReplyDeleteLovely writing. I love the idea of the two friends going nowhere together. I also loved the subtle humor (re Tom Hanks) as well as the spiritual bit about god.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure exactly what this will be about, I'd like a little more of a hint, but I'm intrigued and enchanted and want to find out more.
I LOVE this, too! Reading it was so addictive and now I just wish I could keep reading. Hooked!!! Great job!
ReplyDeleteFirst person, present tense is diffcult. You do it well.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the "Kevin’s" concatenation.
You've got a great voice, but I'd rather it was prose. For me, although the verse creates a wonderful casual flow, it slows the pace too much for an MG read. Obviously, I'm the minority in that though.
My thought is that there's not a lot here. We start out on a beach after a storm, and nothing happens. We go inside to breakfast, and nothing happens. Later, she goes out and takes a walk, nothing happens. I don't know what the story is about or where it may be going. There's no tension, no conflict, no sign of a plot. Based on this page, the story could be about anything.
ReplyDeleteIs there some way you could work this so we do get an idea of where you're going, and what your intent is? Or perhaps start with going for the walk and running into Daniel, that way you're a bit closer to your inciting incident?
At first when I saw the phrasing, Poetry, I thought. I dismissed it. Not gonna read it.
ReplyDeleteBut I came back. And I saw Authoress' comment. So I read it. And fell in love.
I love what you are doing here. I love the quiet nothingness wrapped n humor and wonder.
Don't know if this is a book, but I didn't want it to end. It's quite lovely.
I had to read this twice, because the initial thought I had was - this is kind of odd.
ReplyDeleteBut then I read it. I really like the way it sets up, and I find the style unique and clever. Well done!
I love this in some ways but had some trouble with it, too.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice, love the images, love the ocean-blue couch, for instance. I love that she looks for God in the pancake.
I believe that they are newly sent to nana's--she doesn't know about checking for God in the pancakes and Daniel is a new friend--and I suspect that they are there for more than a vacation. I suspect something traumatic has happened because kevin is afraid of storms and Bailey is looking for miracles. Mother and Dad fight. They are still alive, apparently, but maybe getting divorced or going through a separation.
So you've packed a lot into these few lines and you've done it without telling straight out. Your character, with her voice and observations, has shown me a lot.
My problem is with the short, short lines. It reads choppily to me. I want to read it like this:
After the storm Felicity Bay is washed clean—
cottage roofs rain-fresh,
gleaming in the morning sun.
Last night’s wind rearranged driftwood along the beach
like my mother scrubbing,
cleaning,
moving furniture around . . .
after she and Dad fight.
Kevin’s afraid of storms.
This morning I found him on Nana Marie’s ocean-blue couch,
wrapped in a sheet.
Something like that anyway. I want to have the lines a little bit longer. It feels too choppy with the lines as short as you have them.
However--I am no poet. So I'm just telling you what my ears think as I'm reading.
My other caution is this: novels in verse are not particularly easy to sell. What if you wrote this in prose?
Would I read on? Yes for a bit. I'd like to know why they are at nana's and why Bailey is looking for a miracle. And I like her voice.
Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to read, and thank you for your kind words and thoughtful comments.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you! Happy writing... :)