TITLE: CINDY CHARMING
GENRE: MG fantasy
Cindy Charming knew the importance of shoes. Without a certain pair of glass slippers, she wouldn’t even exist!
FACT: Cindy Charming was the daughter of Cinderella and Prince Charming.
Cindy had a special interest in shoes, and not just her pink sparkly Mary Janes. She had a thing for shoes because they spoke to her.
“Excuse me. You’re making it sound like I’m a crazy person, crawling around on my belly talking to people’s sneakers!”
Sorry.
The shoes didn’t suddenly sprout tiny mouths and chat about the weather. They gave her a sort of sense about the person who wore them. Sometimes they told her their owner’s secrets.
Which was usually pretty boring, to be totally honest. Cindy couldn’t care less that Goldilocks secretly scooped the raisins out of her oatmeal and fed them to the dog. But sometimes, just sometimes, those secrets came in handy.
****
Cindy and her very best friend in the whole wide world, Little Red, were in the middle of the great big woods, and an even bigger argument. Even besties fight sometimes.
“We need to go right,” Red said, one hand on her hip and the other pointing down a well-worn path.
“No, left!” Cindy stomped her foot, her finger aimed in the other direction. They’d been wandering around the woods for almost an hour.
They were as lost as fish in a flower garden.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this concept - how fun! But the beginning reads more like a query or pitch. And changing narrators (like adding the "fact", which seems like a different voice than the rest; and having a sentence straight from Cindy's POV) made it feel a bit choppy.
ReplyDeleteOne little thing - the ending sentence made me think "fish wouldn't be lost in a flower garden, they'd be dead (no water)." maybe worth re-phrasing? :)
Good luck!
I really loved this, it sounds like it is going to be a real fun read. I didn't mind the FACT, but when you inserted Cindy's POV it did make me stumble a bit and pull me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a 'charming' MG Fantasy.
This is a cute concept for Cinderella.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the breaking of the narrator to explain that Cindy was the daughter of the Charmings. I think that could have smoothly been introduced. I felt the same about the interruption of the narrator by Cindy. It is a bit distracting.
However, I do think it would be cool have the story told from Cindy's perspective. The narrator has a childlike voice, and I think Cindy could carry that type of voice through the story.
The first half, right when the narrator says the secrets could come in handy, really hooked me compared to the section that follows. Shoes with secrets have definite possibilities for an interesting story.
This sort of thing has been attempted before... But not with your voice and particular execution. I really, really liked it. I can already picture the animated film version in my head. I think the stars really aligned here. Concept. Strong writing. Clever humor. Very cool.
ReplyDeleteI wondered why we need a narrator if Cindy is standing by to interject her thoughts. Why doesn't she just tell the story? Putting this in first person might work better for you. Cindy, in the following section, has a real voice while, to me, it seems the narrator has a patronizing voice and seems to be talking to the reader like grownups tend to talk to kindergartners. Cindy's voice seems more age appropriate.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second half better, but it still wasn't enough to pull me in. Cindy and Red are lost in the woods and they don't have sense enough to work together to save themselves.
Perhaps you could start with Cindy and her shoes, (Which seem to be the hook here) and tell the story from her POV.
I love the idea of shoes that tell her secrets about people. I wasn't drawn in my the opening sentence, and I thought the FACT was intrusive, but I did like Cindy interrupting the narrator! It kind of seemed appropriate for this fairytale sort of telling and was different. Sounds like this will be a lot of fun!
ReplyDeleteI like this. Like the narrator's voice. Like Cindy's voice.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little afraid with Once Upon a Time this will feel derivative.
I like the idea of shoes telling her secrets about people, but if they tell her something as specific as the fact that Goldilocks feeds the raisons to the dog, they are doing more than giving her a sense about people. They are speaking to her in a specific way. And that is weird so I'd like to know how it works. But I do like it as a plot device, I think, if you can make it work and make sense.
But, if this came into my inbox, I'm afraid I wouldn't ask for more, simply because it seems like this feels too derivative. It may not be, but that's the perception that it gives to me, unfortunately. Sorry.