TITLE: The Mad Mystical Journey of L.C. Littleman
GENRE: YA fantasy
Toward winter, the earth shook and the sea drowned the village of Tali-Mali with its foul temper. Dazed villagers wandered for days through salty ruins, eating spider crabs and sleeping under a red moon. Word got out that there was a place where the earth hadn’t changed, a wilderness ranch, where food was abundant and miracles flowed, even on Sundays. Traveling on foot, the hungry, injured villagers sought this place.
They were welcomed by a youth with sorrowful eyes who fed and sheltered them. In his humble presence, the villagers felt boundless love; their fears dissolved and their wounds healed quickly. Asked to explain this, the young man hesitated to speak, and sat silent till moved by unseen forces. With simplicity even a child could understand, he said: “Open your hearts; life will not fail you.” And all the while, his eyes betrayed a history; one could feel its watery green quiver. Something to do with a girl.
Rumors abound concerning his origin. His journey, like the wonder-workers gone before him, involved a series of foolish misadventures that forced him beyond his natural abilities. Some say he was born of a lion and a goddess, and raised in a Cave of Fire. Others claim that as an infant, his father, a prince who’d been jealous of his gifts, set him adrift in a bucket. And yet others argue that he was once an orphan with a rotten temper. Here now, is the truth.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You're using both past and present tense. You need to pick one.
ReplyDeleteAnd you might be better off just starting with his story.
I would agree with Myrna that you coud just start with his story. I really like your trio of myths about him, maybe you could start with these. "Some say he was born of a lion and a goddess... etc
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
This opening feels disconnected, more of a preface or introduction. I'd try to start with the protagonist so the reader can connect with him right away.
ReplyDeleteThe prose here are lovely and I sense a desire to spin a mystery for the reader to unravel. But, sometimes the love of words gets in the way of the story. And it's all about the story. I'm not really sure who the protagonist is here nor our setting. Draw me to your protagonist, allow me intimately into his life on the first page. Why is this day like no other before and why will this day change all that come next?
ReplyDeleteReading this, I get the sense immediately that I'm reading something I'm going to really like, but it also feels like a rocky start. Details seem a bit unclear, foggy.
ReplyDelete"Toward winter, the earth shook and the sea drowned the village of Tali-Mali with its foul temper." --I'm not sure if the sea had the foul temper of Tali-Mali did. Great name for a village btw.
"Dazed villagers wandered for days through salty ruins, eating spider crabs and sleeping under a red moon." --I love, love, love "salty ruins", "spider crabs" and the "red moon," but logically I started asking myself whether the city only half drowned or the water receded. Why didn't the villagers drown? It's just a bit unclear. The earth shook, too, so maybe these are just the few survivors. You should probably mention that. I don't feel how much time has passed either between the storm and the wandering, dazed villagers coming out to forage.
"Word got out that there was a place where the earth hadn’t changed, a wilderness ranch, where food was abundant and miracles flowed, even on Sundays. Traveling on foot, the hungry, injured villagers sought this place."
--"Word got out" is so vague. I'm asking myself who started the rumor and how did it spread.
"They were welcomed by a youth with sorrowful eyes who fed and sheltered them." --Welcomed where? Where is this youth? How far did they travel and for how long?
"In his humble presence, the villagers felt boundless love; their fears dissolved and their wounds healed quickly." --Details, please! Were they physically healed? Did he just have a sweet spirit or did he perform miracles? Does he look like them?
...With simplicity even a child could understand, he said: “Open your hearts; life will not fail you.” --This is where you lose me. It seems like a strange thing to say to me, b/c life will fail you in my opinion and you say this is such a simple idea that a child can understand it and yet I don't understand it and I'm not sure what he's really trying to say at all.
"And all the while, his eyes betrayed a history; one could feel its watery green quiver. Something to do with a girl." --Why would anyone assume this miraculous youth was once embroiled with a woman?
"Rumors abound concerning his origin." --This is present tense.
This is interesting stuff and unique and I'm genuinely interested, but I'm not sure where the story is going or who the protagonist is.
I would read on to see how you did on telling his story. I'd give it another page to see. But I think you need to send this through a critique group. I like the narrator's voice, but there is much work to be done. Storybysasha gave you plenty of good stuff to work on so I won't repeat it. I had many of the same thoughts she had as I was reading. The girl really jolted me. And I also thought the simple statement "Open your hearts; life won't fail you," was not so simple.
ReplyDeleteI loved that the miracles are done even on Sunday.
I'm the type of reader that needs to connect with a character. We don't meet anyone who might be the protagonist until the second paragraph, but he's nameless and sitting in silence and has an unknown origin. In other words, I don't see him in action. I don't see him doing something interesting. And I don't see him struggling or striving for something he wants or needs. I wouldn't have a reason to keep reading beyond this point, I'm afraid.
ReplyDelete