TITLE: Canadian Summer
GENRE: NA Contemporary
Roy and Summer are eating Ice cream and getting to know each other. Summer dares Roy to tell her something he wouldn't normally tell someone he just met.
“Okay, I’ve got one,” Roy said, then hesitated.
“Let’s hear it. It took you long enough.”
“Hey, I have to go first. Take it easy.” He took a deep breath. “Okay, here it is: sometimes, I, uh, well, I like graphic novels.” He waited for her to laugh. She didn’t.
“That’s it?” She hit the table. “All that hemming and hawing, and it’s just that you like to read comic books?”
“Not comic books, graphic novels.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” She made air quotes. “Graphic novels.”
“Well, what did you expect? You thought I would admit to killing someone or something?”
She smiled. “No, it’s just that I can’t believe you found that little tidbit hard to share. You made it such a big deal. Lots of guys read graphic novels.”
“I guess.” He felt kind of dumb now.
“You know, guys who live in basements.” She smiled. “You don’t have, like, costumes or anything, right?” She pushed her cup to the middle of the table.
He laughed. “No, nothing like that. Now you tell me something.”
“Are you sure you’re ready?” Summer stacked her cup inside his.
“It can’t be any worse than mine.”
“Yes, yours sucked.”
“So tell me something then.” He grinned. “What’s your deep dark secret?”
“I knit.” Her face reddened. He just looked at her.
“You what?”
“I knit. You know.” She pantomimed knitting.
“You mean like knitting? Like, grandma, old-lady knitting?” Roy’s eyes widened. “Like sweaters and stuff?” Roy sat back in his chair. She nodded.
“I used spend summers in Texas with my dad. When he went to work, he left me at my grandma’s house. That’s all she did.”
“Damn.” Roy scratched his chin. “So you could make me a sweater with a reindeer on it right now?”
“I’m not that good. I usually just do scarfs. It helps with stress. It’s weird, huh?” She looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“I don’t think it’s that weird. If you’re eighty.”
“Shut up, comic boy.” She threw her spoon at him. He laughed.
“It’s not that weird. You just don’t look like the type.”
“What—because I’m young?”
“Young and pretty.” Roy stuffed a napkin in the empty cups. “So, did you bring your knitting machine, or whatever, with you.”
“They’re needles, and yes, I brought them.” She smiled. “Would you wear a scarf if I made it?”
“It’s too hot for scarves.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is cute and funny. I know we're not supposed to cheerlead, but I don't know any way to make it better. The lines are short and clever, and there's an enduring innocence to the conversation, and I want to get to know them both.
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ReplyDeleteCute and flirty. Watch repetitive words. Too many "just"s -- you can probably take out most of them. Also, too many "knitting"s in a row, which made me lose focus. I do like the line "So you could make me a sweater with a reindeer on it?" Made me smile.
ReplyDeleteCute interchange here!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see a little more body movement and setting in the scene. I'm not sure where they are, other than Roy sitting in a chair, and the spoon/napkin/empty cups. I realize what comes before may explain, but consider adding a little here and there to continue to paint a picture for the reader.
All the best with it!
I enjoyed the exchange. It was very cute, and I think the narrative is strong. I get their connection right away.
ReplyDeleteThe first lines had a bit of awkwardness for me. He says he's got one and then hesitates... but there's nothing there to show the hesitation--she asks for it immediately and then says he took long enough. So apparently, the hesitating came before... I don't know. It just seemed out of order.
There is a little repetition I think you could cut. She says she knits, and he says, "like knitting?" I think it'd be stronger to just start with the "Like grandma..." part. And "I don't think it's that weird," followed closely by, "It's not that weird," where I think it'd be fine to just say, "You just don't look the type."
This flows well. I agree that the hesitation can be shown with a more specific body action, especially if it ties in setting. I had a hard time wondering why either knitting or reading graphic novels were confessions, but that's because I do both of those things. The living in a basement and reference to cosplay/costumes feels expected and a little cheap, (airplane food is bad, am I right? *cue laughtrack*), but then again, I also go to comic cons. I suppose it depends on the characters and your overall story, but I just thought I would mention this for a wider scope. The writing itself moves along very nicely!
ReplyDeleteI like this! The dialogue is very natural and I felt like these two had known each other for a long time. Everything flowed naturally, and I actually found myself laughing along with them!
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