TITLE: FRACTURED SPIRIT
GENRE: YA Romantic Suspense
Sixteen-year-old Sierra Callahan's stalker, Kyle Williams, goes missing. Kyle's parents blame Sierra and have been following and harassing her. Sierra confronts them:
"Stay away from me." I said.
"Not until you tell us what happened to our son."
"Your son had a mental illness and you were too embarrassed to get him help. Instead you intimidated and tormented people. If that didn't work you bribed them to cover up all his crimes."
"My son is a good man." said Mrs. Williams.
"Your son is a monster. Nice parenting there."
"You B****!" Mrs. Williams shouted and lunged for me. Her husband grabbed her arm and held her back.
"Please, Sierra, if you know where he is just tell us and we'll leave you alone." said Mr. Williams.
"Kyle stalks and attacks high school girls. You should check other schools in the area. He needs locked up in a cage."
"He's innocent. All you girls are liars." said Mrs. Williams.
"What we are are his victims. That's what the five of us are. For the rest of our lives we're linked by your son's actions. You have no idea what it's like for me to close my eyes at night and just for a moment I can almost feel his hands on me! The smell of Irish Spring makes me sick to my stomach."
"You little slut. You were asking for it. Just like the others."
"I was a virgin. I had planned to stay that way until my wedding night. Like my parents wanted. Lke my church teaches. I hope the parents of his next victim and there will be another one, put a bullet in his skull."
Mrs. Williams broke free of her husband's grasp. I did nothing as she slapped me across the face.
"Thank you." I lifted my hand and rubbed my cheek. "Now, maybe you and your son can have matching prison jump suits."
Offcer Martinez rushed up. "What is going on here?"
"This woman assaulted me." I said pointing at her. "I want her arrested for assault."
"I never touched her. She's a liar. She led about my son and she's lying now."
"So, then I guess that security camera over there should support your claim." Officer Martinez said.
"What camera?" Mrs. Williams swiveled her head back and forth.
I looked straight ahead and smiled. If only it could be so easy to catch her son.
Miss Snark's First Victim
From this scene, I got the anger from Kyle's mother, but I would have liked to see Sierra assert herself a lot more.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it was the absence of dialogue tags and the character's internal thoughts, and description in general. It would be great to see more of an emotional punch from Sierra's dialogue. Particularly since this is narrated in first person, we should see more of her perspective, really get under her skin, particularly since this is a sensitive subject.
The dialogue is mostly solid, though the line that jars for me is where Sierra confesses her virginity. I just can't imagine a sixteen year old phrasing her hurt like that. In this situation, particularly where the main character has made the decision to go alone and confront the parents herself, what her parents think and her faith would take a back seat to the fact that this is about her getting her power back, and finding her strength and confidence to move forward.
I hope that helps? Best of luck.
I would have liked to have more inner dialogue from Sierra. I wasn't sure what was going on her head, and like the Authoress pointed out, sometimes angry dialogue can come out sounding sort of over the top. That's kind of what it felt like to me here. And I think things would have been more balanced if I could have "seen" into Sierra's head.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue DID make more sense once I realized she was probably baiting Mrs. Williams to anger because there was a security camera. I can see how she may have intentionally been going over the top just to goad her. Still, it would have been nice to have some of Sierra's thoughts!
Good luck!!
I know we should be talking content, but I found typos and I got distracted. Are you using Word? Is your spell-checker and grammar-checker enabled?
ReplyDeleteFor example, "led" instead of "lied" and "lke" instead of "like." Also, there are periods instead of commas after your dialogue (before your tags).
The dialogue did sound sorta unrealistic, but when the camera is revealed it makes more sense. It would help if there was more internal dialogue to show her inward anger and her satisfaction at getting the parents to react. Example: Instead of "I did nothing as she slapped me across the face", you could say "I smiled inwardly as she slapped me across the face."
ReplyDeleteAlways use a comma with a "said" tag.
He needs TO BE locked up in a cage."
I'd use dashes here: I hope the parents of his next victim--and there will be another one--put a bullet in his skull."
There are some editing issues, which you absolutely must correct before you post your fiction anywhere, but I have to admit I really like the idea. And dialogue doesn't have to be grammatically correct (narration does), so "He needs locked up in a cage" is just fine.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with me evaluating your scene is that this exercise drops us in the middle of a story with no anchor for our evaluation of the characters' actions or speech patterns. We don't know if Mrs. Williams is evil, misguided, or protective, for example. She does lie to the cop, so she's no saint.
All writing advice, whether it's from me The Authoress, or Stephen King, boils down to the same thing: This is what I would do if it were my story. So, and remember, without any idea about what is going on in the rest of your story, this is what I would do:
I shrank back. "Stay away from me."
"Not until you tell us what happened to our son."
"Your son was a psycho and you didn't get him help. You just intimidated and tormented people. If that didn't work?" My chest was heaving. "You bribed them to cover up all his crimes."
"My son is a good man." said Mrs. Williams.
"Your son is a monster. And you made that."
"You B****!" The woman lunged at me but her husband grabbed her.
"Please, Sierra, if you know where Kyle is just tell us." He was struggling, holding back his wife.
"He stalks and attacks high school girls. You should check(at this point she would rattle off local schools. She's a high school girl, that's how she thinks of them. GHS, Partnership Academy, that sort of thing He needs locked up in a cage."
"He's innocent! All you girls are liars." Mrs. Williams almost ripped away from her husband.
"What we are are his victims. That's what the five of us are. You have no idea what it's like for me to close my eyes at night and just for a moment I can feel his hands on me! Just smelling Irish Spring makes me sick to my stomach."
"You little slut. You were asking for it. Just like the others."
"I was a virgin. I wanted to be that way on my wedding night. Like my parents wanted and my church teaches. I hope someone puts a bullet through Kyle's skull."
Mrs. Williams broke free and slapped me across the face.
Officer Martinez rushed up. "What's going on here?"
I lifted my hand and rubbed my cheek. "This woman assaulted me." I said, pointing. "I want her arrested."
"I never touched her," said Mrs Williams, but she wasn't so sure of herself now. The cop appearing had unnerved her. "She's a liar. She led about my son and she's lying now."
"And that's what that security camera over there is going to show me?" said Officer Martinez.
"What?" Mrs. Williams swiveled her head back and forth, up and finally saw it, nestled in a corner.
I myself looked straight ahead and smiled. If only it could be so easy to catch her son.
Why I did what I did there was to make the scene move quicker, because in an angry confrontation you want the page to feel hurried. That's what's it's like when you lose your temper so you need to let the reader feel that. I didn't go any further with dialogue changes or moving stuff around (or adding things) because I don't know the rest of your story, or who these characters are, as I said earlier. Good luck!
I could have used more description of the emotions of Mrs Williams. Was her face red, was she clenching her fists, etc? She seems to be doing a lot of talking, but I don't get any sense of her anger.
ReplyDeleteLikewise, I don't get any real sense of what Sierra is feeling. Perhaps if she acknowledged the camera's presence internally early on we might understand the slightly wooden dialogue more as she is setting Mrs Williams up.
Sierra's dialogue threw me also. I felt it was too precise and calm for the situation. The reveal of the camera at the end explained it but perhaps some inner dialogue - without spoiling the camera reveal -along the lines of Sierra telling herself to keep calm, to say what she came to say, etc. would help us understand why she's speaking that way.
ReplyDeleteI thought it mostly worked. Mrs Williams comes off as the slightly crazed over-protective mother. Her husband has a little more sense. Sierra's dialogue is a little stiff, but she is putting on a show here, so it was believable to me. I do think you have to let us know she's setting Mrs. Williams up, which will justify Sierra's not quite right dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder why she's tiptoeing around the fact that he raped her. I'm assuming this because Sierra says 'I WAS a virgin,' implying she no longer is, and being a rapist is much worse than being a stalker.
I also wonder if she knew Officer Martinez would be witnessing all this? If not, it seems too convenient that he just suddenly shows up. And if she did, make it evident here if you haven't already done so somewhere else.
I think is a great framework for a second pass to add in the narrative and visceral reactions. You want (I imagine) for the reader to be right there in the action to feel what your character feels. Using a mix of internal reaction--though you don't want to go overboard with hammering hearts--and internal narrative. Maybe she's screaming in her head but trying to stay calm as she speaks. The dichotomy of her internal rage (which the reader sees) then her carefully controlled words "show" us that she is seething and holding back.
ReplyDeleteI was also a little jarred by the virgin revelation, but that's something that would be perfect for internal narrative. For her to lament how much that meant to her, and maybe she just squeaks out one line based on that--something about that next victim, and the reader is right there with her. As another person said, I wasn't sure she'd actually admit something like that verbally.
Something I learned in a writing course: choose an emotion for the scene (anger) and brainstorm some words about anger. It could be anything, like fists, flame, kick, scream, stomp, hurt, etc. Then see if you can work in those word or the concept behind those words to elicit the emotion. You dont' want to go too crazy with excessive body movements and purple prose, but it's more about picking intentional power words, strong verbs, and things that evoke a consistent image. Easy, right? ;)
Good luck with this!