TITLE: The Minotaur Staff
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Wes (modern treasure hunter) and Akua (ancient Atlantean) were fighting a minotaur when their competition interrupted. They now argue in the parked car.
"The way you looked at them. It was different," Akua said.
Wes frowned. "Looked at who?"
"Those women. At the alley."
"They were hot. I'm a guy. I look."
"You did not come to my aid this time."
"An innocent woman, well, unarmed certainly..." He shook his head, heat rising. "Ok, I fell for the damsel in distress act. What was I supposed to do? I led her somewhere safe. But as soon as I dropped her off at the nearest hotel, I came to help."
"And Caitlin? She was not in distress."
"The minotaur was already gone."
"Yet you did not see if I was safe?"
"Of course I was concerned! There was a car in the alley, and a woman blocking my way! I got to you as soon as I could."
Akua's eyes were fierce beneath her helm as she finally looked at him. "Yet you looked at me as your partner, not... not." She growled and looked away.
He would never understand women. Enough time had passed trying. Time to act on what he felt. His seatbelt hissed as he released it. He lifted her helm and tossed it on the backseat. She turned back to him with a glare.
Wes took her beautiful warrior face in his hands and kissed her. She stiffened. He pulled back, searched her eyes. The anger was gone.
"You must not see the way I look at you. You are both strong and beautiful, in body and spirit. You could never be inferior to anyone." He smirked. "You can kick Caitlin's butt any day."
Her brow furrowed. "You looked at her butt?"
He threw back his head and laughed. "I never thought my Amazon would be jealous of a scrawny redhead." He kissed her again. This time, she kissed him back.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Interesting mix of characters! I'm a little confused, probably because of the lack of context. There's a lot of dialogue, and we don't get to see what happened before.
ReplyDeleteWes' dialogue seems natural in the beginning, but a bit less so at the end. I wonder if you might cut "You must not see the way I look at you..." and put it in his thoughts instead. Most men wouldn't say that out loud.
Loved the ending!
Even though we are in a guy's head, shouldn't we know how he felt about that kiss?? I also thought his dialog was more formal towards the end.
ReplyDeleteIs the Minotaur fight serious or just a game? You use the word competition, but then Akua berates him for helping the other females before her which makes it seem more serious. My point is, wouldn't they be more revved up if they had almost died?
I liked the exchange when Akua misunderstands Wes about the girl's butt.
I agree that it was a bit confusing with all the character refs. There are "those women" and Caitlin and a woman in distress and a woman near a car plus a minotaur. From where you started, it's not even totally clear whose POV we're in until we get to "He would never understand women."
ReplyDeleteAlso agree that you might put "You must not see the way I look at you" into his thoughts.
Change "Enough time had passed trying" from passive to active to make it stronger: "He'd spent enough time trying." // I'd delete "on what he felt" in that paragraph. // Not sure what a helm is as opposed to a helmet. // It's not clear how she was turned so that she could turn back to him. Maybe just "She glared at him."
You say "The anger was gone" but don't hint as to what her expression shows instead, since she just glared at him.
Does the "both" refer to Akua being both strong and beautiful or to both she and Caitlyn being strong and beautiful. I'd delete.
I loved her question, "You looked at her butt?"
The end was good, too!
This is a cute scene and I like the attitude expressed here. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown by the female character's name because Akua is the Hawaiian word for god.
I didn't understand why she'd feel annoyed that Wes didn't see whether or not she was safe. She's an Amazon warrior. Amazon's are self-reliant and fearless. I couldn't buy into the motivation behind her complaint so the scene felt contrived to me.
The emotion is missing from this scene, particularly from Wes. He doesn't appear to make the decision to kiss her, he just does it as if by rote. I think if you went deeper into his POV and shared his feelings this would work much better.
I did like the ending. Good luck!
Well, my first thought was that there was no kiss. Yes, there was, but he just takes her face in his hands and kisses her. ANd that's it. We don't get what he felt. We don't get her reaction. We don't get a description of the kiss. ANd because you don't make it special, it isn't special. To me, it came across as him trying to shut her up. I didn't see his side of the situation at all.
ReplyDeletePerhaps build the kiss a bit more. Make it more important, more special to your characters, and that will make it more important and special to the reader.