TITLE: NO MORE BLUES
GENRE: YA Magical Realism
Teenage artist Mercedes and her best friend Victoria have sneaked in to the strange hotel Mercedes uses as her studio. There's music from the floor above.
The song flows into a different one with the same beat, and Victoria tilts her head upward, as though the musicians are sending a message down to her. “I thought I recognized that. It's a bossa nova."
“I like it.” I tighten my grip on her hand, which is getting warmer.
“Does this always happen here?” she says, looking at our hands, and then at my face.
“No. You make everything here better.”
And it is true, isn’t it? It is the truest thing I have said all night. The music is brilliant, and I have almost finished painting the red, and I can dance a little bit, and the floors are still and solid and are holding us, and Victoria is my best friend and I love her. Her hair is falling out of its silver clips, and I think it is the first time I have ever seen her dance with a curtain of dark brown alternately hiding and revealing her face. Her eyes are shining, and her mouth is not caught in its usual stage-ready smile, but instead lazy and heart-shaped, the way it's looked all those times I have slept in her bed or she in mine, both of us being and breathing but not touching. And this—this. Her tired satin dress and the step forward and together and back and her falling hair—is this my best chance, my only chance?
Step forward, step together.
Our lips meet.
She leans in to me, and with the hand that is not holding her hand, I touch her side, gently, the way you touch something you weren’t allowed to for a long time. And her lips move against mine. She is kissing me back. She is kissing me back.
I think I could live here.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I wish I could offer something a bit more helpful or constructive, but here it is:
ReplyDeleteLovely. Simply lovely.
Everything a first kiss should entail, all that longing, hope and uncertainty. "The way you touch something you weren't allowed to for a long time" is just a perfect line. Your descriptive prose and voice are spot-on. And the fact this perhaps isn't that stereotypical "first kiss" kind of pairing only drives home how universal the thoughts and feelings are that you described. And that's the point, right? To touch something in your readers.
Well done!
I agree. Ditto Juliet--lovely! Only a couple minor comments:
ReplyDeleteMaybe rephrase "...a curtain of dark brown alternately hiding and revealing her face" to something more evocative? ...the sway of her dark hair, hiding, then revealing her eyes, which are shining with ??
And maybe say "with my free hand" to tighten the last paragraph.
Other that that--great job!
I really liked this. I'm intrigued by the setting, the strange hotel she's using for a studio.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the best judge of intentional run-on prose because I always want to break it up into smaller fragments; I realize that's a style choice. A few of the run-ons feel a little too long for my taste, but all the imagery and feeling is there. I just wouldn't want any of those emotional connections to get lost, which is why I prefer to break a few out.
Maybe that very last paragraph could be broken down into smaller lines, so it's not too many actions per line. Where as the earlier run-ons are more about emotion and I can get a sense of excitement from that. Hope that makes sense. Really nice writing sample!
Sweet and poignant, this scene works as written but I feel it could be more powerful. Take the long paragraph that begins, "It's true, isn't it?" Instead of telling us all this, can you show us the action with dialogue (internal or external)? to build the pace and the tension.
ReplyDeleteThis is very well done and totally relatable. It feels genuine and real. I liked the big parg of run on sentences. I think if you break it up, you'll lose the effect of the overwhelming rush of her thoughts and emotions. My vote would be to keep it as is.
ReplyDeleteA few tightening suggestions -
and holds us - instead of are holding us
cut - and I think it is the first time I have ever seen her dance with a curtain of dark brown alternately hiding and revealing her face -- so you have 'Her hair is falling out of its silver clips, HER EYES SHINE, etc.
Cut - and with the hand that is not holding her hand -- this reads awkward and will be assumed anyway.
Very nicely done!
I've been skimming through these and this one stood out IMO. :)
ReplyDeleteLove this: "Her eyes are shining, and her mouth is not caught in its usual stage-ready smile, but instead lazy and heart-shaped, the way it's looked all those times I have slept in her bed or she in mine, both of us being and breathing but not touching." Beautiful.
I agree that the last bit would read better if you cut "and with the hand ..."