No--I think this might be a better sentence for a bit later on. I'm not so invested in the characters and so I'm not so interested in what the look like (at least not in the very first line)
No. This is akin to saying, we have brown eyes. And/so? Is this a story about looks? I'm guessing it's not. Start with something happening that is important in the story.
No - Starting with character description is probably not the best way to go. I don't know who "we" is and I have no reason yet to care what they look like.
Yes, am I the only one who likes to be eased into it sometimes? That said I would be disappointed if this is description just for the sake of description. I hope we're being told this for a good reason.
No -because this reads more like MG to me and there's no action. Starting with "we" feels like a cheat since there is no sentence before it to identify who "we" refers to.
No, this doesn't grab my attention, but it doesn't turn me off either. Not every opening sentence needs to hook us. I'm willing to read on for a few more sentences to get that hook and to find out who they are and why it's so important that they look alike (for example, twins separated at birth?). But if there's not a good reason for this description opening, I'd consider replacing it.
No, this sentence seems too much like you were trying for "I'm looking in the mirror and this is what I see." Physical descriptions are more meaningful through someone else's eyes, plus it's too early for this. We don't know the me/I/we yet to care what they look like.
Yes. Because there's the potential for something interesting to happen next but right now it borders on being too generic. If you wanted to increase the tension, you might want to cut some of the extra adjectives and hint at the reason for the sameness.
No. All we’ve done is describe the character’s physical appearance. But moreover than that, this immediately hints to me a sister or buddy story with two females. While I’m sure some would be immediately hooked by the idea, it’s not something that would appeal to me.
No. Descriptions at the beginning don't garner interest unless it's unusual. Are they twins? Besties? And there's no genre listed. It's not enough to say YA, you need a genre like contemporary, fantasy etc.
No. Opening lines are supposed to draw the reader in and make them question things so they'll want to read more, but this has too many questions. Who are these people and why does it matter that they have freckles. Are they siblings, are they adults, are they aliens, are they friends, are they enemies, are they strangers? There's not enough here to hold onto. S
No. There's not enough here to grab me. Though I like the concept of two individuals looking similar and the question of what significance that might have for them, whether they're friends or relatives, I really don't care for starting with a disembodied 'we'.
No. I'm not fond of telling hair/eye /skin traits on a first page and especially not as the first line. If the description was unique with a twist of the unexpected, maybe.
I have long, straight, brown hair and no freckles. Do you care? Are you dying to hear my life story?
But what if I said my plane was going down over the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Or my date just arrived and, by the way, he's also my English teacher.
I'm sure you get the point. There has to be something more interesting going on in the lives of your characters. Put that in your first sentence.
No. That would be a great second sentence after something that tells me who you're talking about and why we care about the similarities between these characters, but it would not draw me in on its own.
No. JH said it very well. Description is not character development unless there is something unusual in the description. These two sound pretty humdrum to me.
No. I know what the character and his/her friend look like but that's all. It's not enough to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. Who cares?
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm worried I'm in the hands of a character / narrator who's overly concerned with appearance.
ReplyDeleteNo--I think this might be a better sentence for a bit later on. I'm not so invested in the characters and so I'm not so interested in what the look like (at least not in the very first line)
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no investment in who these characters are or what's happening. This could be an interesting fact, but maybe save it?
ReplyDeleteNo. A physical description void of voice isn't the best sentence to start with.
ReplyDeleteYES......I think twins and look-a likes make interesting conspirators
ReplyDeleteNo. This is akin to saying, we have brown eyes. And/so? Is this a story about looks? I'm guessing it's not. Start with something happening that is important in the story.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's just nothing here to make me care what comes next.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nothing to make me care what comes next
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI don't know who's talking or who these people are, so then i'm left asking, why do i care? Which is harsh, but there you have it.
No, I don't know who "we" are.
ReplyDeleteNo - Starting with character description is probably not the best way to go. I don't know who "we" is and I have no reason yet to care what they look like.
ReplyDeleteNo. Opening with a character description isn't the strongest way to start a story.
ReplyDeleteNo-Unless the character's description is particularly unusual, it doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteYes, am I the only one who likes to be eased into it sometimes? That said I would be disappointed if this is description just for the sake of description. I hope we're being told this for a good reason.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDelete-because this reads more like MG to me and there's no action. Starting with "we" feels like a cheat since there is no sentence before it to identify who "we" refers to.
No, this doesn't grab my attention, but it doesn't turn me off either. Not every opening sentence needs to hook us. I'm willing to read on for a few more sentences to get that hook and to find out who they are and why it's so important that they look alike (for example, twins separated at birth?). But if there's not a good reason for this description opening, I'd consider replacing it.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI need a reason to care about "we."
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ReplyDeleteNo. No clue who 'we' is, don't have a reason to care.
ReplyDeleteNo, this sentence seems too much like you were trying for "I'm looking in the mirror and this is what I see." Physical descriptions are more meaningful through someone else's eyes, plus it's too early for this. We don't know the me/I/we yet to care what they look like.
ReplyDeleteYes. Because there's the potential for something interesting to happen next but right now it borders on being too generic. If you wanted to increase the tension, you might want to cut some of the extra adjectives and hint at the reason for the sameness.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteAll we’ve done is describe the character’s physical appearance. But moreover than that, this immediately hints to me a sister or buddy story with two females. While I’m sure some would be immediately hooked by the idea, it’s not something that would appeal to me.
No- there's no start to the story- just description
ReplyDeleteNo. Descriptions at the beginning don't garner interest unless it's unusual. Are they twins? Besties? And there's no genre listed. It's not enough to say YA, you need a genre like contemporary, fantasy etc.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no reason to care as I don't know who "we" are.
ReplyDeleteNo - The MC's physical description just doesn't matter at this stage.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no interest in what characters look like.
ReplyDeleteNo. Opening lines are supposed to draw the reader in and make them question things so they'll want to read more, but this has too many questions. Who are these people and why does it matter that they have freckles. Are they siblings, are they adults, are they aliens, are they friends, are they enemies, are they strangers? There's not enough here to hold onto. S
ReplyDeleteNo. There's not enough here to grab me. Though I like the concept of two individuals looking similar and the question of what significance that might have for them, whether they're friends or relatives, I really don't care for starting with a disembodied 'we'.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not fond of telling hair/eye /skin traits on a first page and especially not as the first line. If the description was unique with a twist of the unexpected, maybe.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's just a character description.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI have long, straight, brown hair and no freckles. Do you care? Are you dying to hear my life story?
But what if I said my plane was going down over the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Or my date just arrived and, by the way, he's also my English teacher.
I'm sure you get the point. There has to be something more interesting going on in the lives of your characters. Put that in your first sentence.
No. You've given me a vague visual image of two people, and zero sense of character.
ReplyDeleteNo. That would be a great second sentence after something that tells me who you're talking about and why we care about the similarities between these characters, but it would not draw me in on its own.
ReplyDeleteNo. JH said it very well. Description is not character development unless there is something unusual in the description. These two sound pretty humdrum to me.
ReplyDelete