No. It sounds like you're going to give me a typical "boys are gross but I really like this one" story...personal preference, but that's not a story I would read. The line is also kind of cliche, so I would revise to take that out.
No. I like the "all things not..." hint of voice and setting, but it's just too common a scenario. (Also, "run in" should be "run-in" and that threw me for a minute.)
No. This feels like too much too soon. I assume the 'genetically modified' is meant to give us a hint about the narrator. To me, she sounds pompous. I'd rather see her ducking around corners or walking a mile to a different bus stop to avoid Jeremy, whoever he may be. Start more simply.
Honestly, i wish i knew the genre for this. That would really help me fully understand the opening. If it's YA contemp, the genetically modified is a very "now" joke. If it's YA sci-fi, then the genetically modified is a clue to the world building. As it stands, i can't really make out what it's trying to do
Yes. Because I don't want her to run into Jeremy Watters on the way to the bus. I care. It's the voice that makes me care about her. And the humor does not feel forced to me.
No. I want to like this. I love the idea in the first phrase, but "not genetically modified" is cumbersome. The rest of the sentence might work on its own.
No. I think I would like this line if I were at least a few chapters into the book and already had an idea of the character and his/her grief with Jenny, but I don't care about anyone yet so I don't care about this.
No. This feels a bit awkward and clunky to me, and as if the author is trying too hard to be funny. Also, as someone else mentioned, I believe 'run-in' needs to be hyphenated.
To me, this is overwritten. It seems all you really need is - just this once, please let me get to the bus without a Jeremy Watters run in.
'For the love of all things not genetically modified' doesn't mean anything in this context. You haven't labeled this as SF or Spec. Fiction, so I'm assuming it's contemporary, in which case you might just as easily have said 'For the love of Aunt Mary' (which would also be unnecessary.) It's also one heck of a mouthful. So with that, and the fact that you didn't give us genre, I'm not feeling confident about what follows.
Yes! My favourite of them all. Love the exhausted/frazzled voice in this, I get a glimpse of the character right away... especially since she thinks of him with his full name (first & last), thereby separating him out, almost turning him into an 'event'.
No, but it's close. I got tripped up on the 'not genetically modified.' It's too long and while it says a lot about the character I had to stop and think about it too much.
Yes. I like the hint of worldbuilding here :) Though I'm fairly sure the Jeremy Watters run-in should be hyphenated.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great voice. Hint of a world with genetic modification. Typical teenage problem of wanting to avoid someone, so now I'm wondering why.
ReplyDeleteNo (but almost). I like the beginning of the sentence, but the final part is worded awkwardly.
ReplyDeleteNo. It sounds like you're going to give me a typical "boys are gross but I really like this one" story...personal preference, but that's not a story I would read. The line is also kind of cliche, so I would revise to take that out.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the "all things not..." hint of voice and setting, but it's just too common a scenario. (Also, "run in" should be "run-in" and that threw me for a minute.)
ReplyDeleteNo. This feels like too much too soon. I assume the 'genetically modified' is meant to give us a hint about the narrator. To me, she sounds pompous. I'd rather see her ducking around corners or walking a mile to a different bus stop to avoid Jeremy, whoever he may be. Start more simply.
ReplyDeleteYes--I'm loving the voice here
ReplyDeleteNo. There are two non-connecting thoughts in this sentence, which suggests you're trying too hard with the world building.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love the voice--it gives us a good hint of who the narrator is. However, it does read a little wordy to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. The "all things not genetically modified" bit was awkward to me. It felt a little forced.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, i wish i knew the genre for this. That would really help me fully understand the opening. If it's YA contemp, the genetically modified is a very "now" joke. If it's YA sci-fi, then the genetically modified is a clue to the world building. As it stands, i can't really make out what it's trying to do
Yes, some said they needed to know the genre, I assumed it was contemporary. So, I liked the joke. It has an identifiable voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. The humor is a little too forced.
ReplyDeleteYes. Because I don't want her to run into Jeremy Watters on the way to the bus. I care. It's the voice that makes me care about her. And the humor does not feel forced to me.
ReplyDeleteYes - I like the voice, the hint of a sci fi or fantasy world with the "genetically modified," and that we already see conflict. Perfect!
ReplyDeleteYes. Great voice and instant conflict! Great job!
ReplyDeleteYes-I love the "genetically modified" comment. It pulls me in and tells me we are going somewhere I've never been before.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much of a cliche. And no genre listed makes me wonder what this is. SF? UF? Contemporary?
ReplyDeleteNo, I found this hard to read. Should this have been labeled YA SF?
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI want to like this. I love the idea in the first phrase, but "not genetically modified" is cumbersome. The rest of the sentence might work on its own.
No. I think I would like this line if I were at least a few chapters into the book and already had an idea of the character and his/her grief with Jenny, but I don't care about anyone yet so I don't care about this.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDelete-it feels in the moment to me and gives a hint into the world and her life.
Yes. Voice sounds fun. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteYes I like the voice
ReplyDeleteYes. I liked the voice and had no trouble identifying the genre.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI like the hint of world building and the introduction of a conflict/problem.
Yes- but barely- it awfully vague- little grounding in consequence
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the voice. :)
ReplyDeleteYes. Intriguing voice. I'd like to see the world through her/his eyes for a bit.
ReplyDeleteNo. The humour was too overdone for my taste.
ReplyDeleteYes. Haha! Love the voice and the hint at the character's humor and personality.
ReplyDeleteNo - Almost for me, but I feel like this has been done before.
ReplyDeleteYes. It's really a maybe, but I want to know what comes next to be sure.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm actually on the fence about this one, but I'll give you the benefit because it seems like the character has a fun voice. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNo. This feels a bit awkward and clunky to me, and as if the author is trying too hard to be funny. Also, as someone else mentioned, I believe 'run-in' needs to be hyphenated.
ReplyDeleteYes, I like how the line shows immediate voice. However, getting a late start to the day is a rather cliche opening.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it's close to a no. It's too much of a mouthful, but I'm curious enough to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this is overwritten. It seems all you really need is - just this once, please let me get to the bus without a Jeremy Watters run in.
'For the love of all things not genetically modified' doesn't mean anything in this context. You haven't labeled this as SF or Spec. Fiction, so I'm assuming it's contemporary, in which case you might just as easily have said 'For the love of Aunt Mary' (which would also be unnecessary.) It's also one heck of a mouthful. So with that, and the fact that you didn't give us genre, I'm not feeling confident about what follows.
No thanks.
ReplyDeleteA little too clunky for my taste.
Yes! My favourite of them all. Love the exhausted/frazzled voice in this, I get a glimpse of the character right away... especially since she thinks of him with his full name (first & last), thereby separating him out, almost turning him into an 'event'.
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's close. I got tripped up on the 'not genetically modified.' It's too long and while it says a lot about the character I had to stop and think about it too much.
ReplyDeleteYes, I want to know how annoying Jeremy really is.
ReplyDelete