Yes - but just barely. I would read on to find out what the rush is about, but I'm annoyed by the "record-breaking speed" cliche. I would end the sentence with a period after "apartment."
No. It leaves me feeling "meh"--dropped too quickly into the action to care--and thinking that there's surely no record to break of how fast it takes to run up the stairs of this decaying building.
There's just nothing here that draws me in. Someone's running up some stairs, but i don't know why, or who they are, so i just don't really care. Sorry to be harsh.
Yes. The "record-breaking" speed worked for me because I know there's motivation behind it. There's a reason this character is pushing themselves up the stairs and I want to know what that is. I also get a sense of excitement here and I want to know about what.
No. You start with "raced" and ended with "record breaking speed." It's kind of the same thing. Instead of ending with "record break speed" you could tell us what she's racing toward or away from.
No. The setting and the narrator's voice feel like things that have been done so many times before in this genre. As some others have said, the parts of the opening that are cliche didn't draw me in.
No. This reads more like a line from a comic book, to me, but there are no pictures to go along with it and I've otherwise got no context of character or setting to make me care.
Yes. I want to know why the character is running, so I'd read the next sentence. Although, "record-breaking" did seem jarring at the end of the sentence. Even so, I'd read on.
Yes. But only just. It sounds like the middle of a chase scene. But, it could be simply an individual challenging themselves to do better than yesterday. I'd read on to find out which it is.
Because he raced up the eight floors of the decaying downtown apartment with record-breaking speed.
I'm wondering how he raced up those floors with no stairs, and I've never seen an 8 floor apartment, let alone an 8 floor apartment that has record breaking speed.
Now, I know what you mean, but you didn't write what you mean.
It should be -
With record-breaking speed, I raced up the eight FLIGHTS OF STAIRS (or I raced up TO THE EIGHTH FLOOR) of the decaying downtown apartment BUILDING.
Yes. It works, though with a little tweaking it could shine. Perhaps switch out the cliche phrase "record -breaking speed" and show us speed through the voice and setting of your novel.
No. The term 'record-breaking speed' makes me think this story is going to be full of cliches, and the rhythm of the sentence is off... it feels clumsy/awkward when you try to read it out loud.
No. This line doesn't need to come from a dystopian YA novel. There are lots of old buildings and "record breaking" - even if is real record breaking - has been used a lot.
Yes. I want to know what's going on! Why is this character running and what from?
ReplyDeleteYes - but just barely. I would read on to find out what the rush is about, but I'm annoyed by the "record-breaking speed" cliche. I would end the sentence with a period after "apartment."
ReplyDeleteNo. the use of record-breaking speed negates any suspense I feel for the character.
ReplyDeleteYes. I definitely want to know more about why the MC's running and about the apartment building itself.
ReplyDeleteNo. It leaves me feeling "meh"--dropped too quickly into the action to care--and thinking that there's surely no record to break of how fast it takes to run up the stairs of this decaying building.
ReplyDeleteNo. Someone's running. There's nothing in there about character or story, plus "record-breaking speed" is cliche.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThere's just nothing here that draws me in. Someone's running up some stairs, but i don't know why, or who they are, so i just don't really care. Sorry to be harsh.
No. I liked the first part of the sentence but the record-breaking speed was extraneous and repetitive.
ReplyDeleteYes. The "record-breaking" speed worked for me because I know there's motivation behind it. There's a reason this character is pushing themselves up the stairs and I want to know what that is. I also get a sense of excitement here and I want to know about what.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteYou start with "raced" and ended with "record breaking speed." It's kind of the same thing. Instead of ending with "record break speed" you could tell us what she's racing toward or away from.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI want to know why she's racing up the stair.
Yes - I'm interested in the apartment and why the character is running fast, but I do agree about "record-breaking" being cliche. Drop it.
ReplyDeleteNo. The setting and the narrator's voice feel like things that have been done so many times before in this genre. As some others have said, the parts of the opening that are cliche didn't draw me in.
ReplyDeleteNo- not enough to make me care-why?
ReplyDeleteNo. This reads more like a line from a comic book, to me, but there are no pictures to go along with it and I've otherwise got no context of character or setting to make me care.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why the character is running, so I'd read the next sentence. Although, "record-breaking" did seem jarring at the end of the sentence. Even so, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'd read on, but I'd prefer a more original opening.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteThis sets the scene well with an economy of words. There is excellent tension and immediately we are in the scene with the character.
No. I have no idea why they are running up the stairs so I have no interest in whether it is fast or not.
ReplyDeleteNo - I have no idea why this MC is running up stairs and no reason to want to find out.
ReplyDeleteYes. But only just. It sounds like the middle of a chase scene. But, it could be simply an individual challenging themselves to do better than yesterday. I'd read on to find out which it is.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm afraid both the action and the setting seem generic and clichéd to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. It feels like it's been done before. I just picture the Hancock Building in Divergent.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteBecause he raced up the eight floors of the decaying downtown apartment with record-breaking speed.
I'm wondering how he raced up those floors with no stairs, and I've never seen an 8 floor apartment, let alone an 8 floor apartment that has record breaking speed.
Now, I know what you mean, but you didn't write what you mean.
It should be -
With record-breaking speed, I raced up the eight FLIGHTS OF STAIRS (or I raced up TO THE EIGHTH FLOOR) of the decaying downtown apartment BUILDING.
No. Too many details. I don't need to know how many floors, or that it's downtown or "record-breaking." I'd rather know what she's racing to or from.
ReplyDeleteYes. It works, though with a little tweaking it could shine. Perhaps switch out the cliche phrase "record -breaking speed" and show us speed through the voice and setting of your novel.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm pique by racing up stairs but like so many others the record -breaking speed kills the sentence. Still I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteIf you said - my personal best or frantic or whatever it would give me a better clue as to why she's racing.
No. The term 'record-breaking speed' makes me think this story is going to be full of cliches, and the rhythm of the sentence is off... it feels clumsy/awkward when you try to read it out loud.
ReplyDeleteNo. This line doesn't need to come from a dystopian YA novel. There are lots of old buildings and "record breaking" - even if is real record breaking - has been used a lot.
ReplyDelete