No. A little confusing as to what POV we're in and if it's first or third from this. The premise is interesting, but the confusion takes me out of the story.
No - a little too close to opening with a dream sequence for me. Also annoys me by talking about things I don't understand as if I should know what "the dreams" were, and who "she" is.
No. But just barely. For me the thing is that dreams as so close to visions that the sentence feels a little redundant. And there's no tension about the dreams.
No. You've jumped in too fast. I'm supposed to be moved that something was bad enough that it "shook" the main character. But I don't know the character or anything about her or how easy she is to shake. So I don't care.
Yes. I feel like you're about to tell me something intriguing. It would be better to start with that intriguing thing, but I would certainly read on to see where you take us.
It's too wordy, which leads to confusion. Also, it seems a bit cliche - dreams after someone dies? I've seen that a lot, especially in paranormal which is a packed genre
No. Putting aside the fact that I'm dreading the dream sequences that are sure to follow (because some people might enjoy those), there is nothing to make me care about the MC. It's also wordy. Take out "almost immediately" and the sentence almost immediately sounds better.
Yes, but I think it would be better as two sentences. "The dreams started the week before she died." Then rework the second part into another sentence. I say yes because I still want to know what happen so I'd read on.
No. On my first read, I thought "she" was the main character, and she's dead. The confusion stopped me. If "she" were my aunt, my grandmother, or Sue, I'd be okay with the first phrase. But then a problem of how arises in the second phrase. Were the dreams followed by visions, or did the visions begin after "she" died?
Maybe starting with some action would resolve both issues.
Yes - The dreams and visions have sondering, however, I'm confused by the sentence going from she to me. Who is speaking and who is having the dreams/visions. This still needs some work, but I like the premise.
No. I think if I'd decided to sit down and read this book, nothing about this line would turn me off, but since I've got no context for this statement, it doesn't mean much to me. Also, I'm unclear on the 'followed almost immediately' phrase, and say the visions were 'so powerful they shook me' is really vague.
Yes. Not my genre, but I got the paranormal part right away and it was a little creepy (cue Twilight Zone music). Then there are all the questions--who died, who are the visitors, why did they shake the protag?
No. This is a little too vague for me. I need a little more to go on. Maybe instead have your main character experience one of the visions or come out of just having experienced a vision.
No. I'm sorry, but to me the two clauses say basically the same thing. It's also back story. Start in the present, and get the reader grounded in the character and place first. Add this line later, if it's important.
No. I'm confused. At first I thought the "she" was going to be the narrator, but then you said "me" so it's obviously not, but that threw me enough that I had to go back and re-read it.
The visions are powerful, so I expected something powerful, and all they did was shake her. The bad thing about that is that it could mean anything. What do you mean when you say 'shook her?' Write that instead.
And I know this is a one sentence contest, but I think you'd be better off making this two short sentences.
The dreams started the week before she died. The visions came soon after.
No. Although it seems like this should be a powerful concept, the ways it's presented feels abstract and generic, and I find myself thinking it's going to be another paranormal story that's very similar to ones that have been done before.
No. A little confusing as to what POV we're in and if it's first or third from this. The premise is interesting, but the confusion takes me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteNo - a little too close to opening with a dream sequence for me. Also annoys me by talking about things I don't understand as if I should know what "the dreams" were, and who "she" is.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's a little too tell-y for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. But just barely. For me the thing is that dreams as so close to visions that the sentence feels a little redundant. And there's no tension about the dreams.
ReplyDeleteNo. You've jumped in too fast. I'm supposed to be moved that something was bad enough that it "shook" the main character. But I don't know the character or anything about her or how easy she is to shake. So I don't care.
ReplyDeleteYes. I feel like you're about to tell me something intriguing. It would be better to start with that intriguing thing, but I would certainly read on to see where you take us.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt's too wordy, which leads to confusion. Also, it seems a bit cliche - dreams after someone dies? I've seen that a lot, especially in paranormal which is a packed genre
No. I had to read it twice to parse it properly, and it still felt disjointed to me once I had.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeletePutting aside the fact that I'm dreading the dream sequences that are sure to follow (because some people might enjoy those), there is nothing to make me care about the MC. It's also wordy. Take out "almost immediately" and the sentence almost immediately sounds better.
No. This opening seems cliche in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I think it would be better as two sentences. "The dreams started the week before she died." Then rework the second part into another sentence. I say yes because I still want to know what happen so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDelete-because it's telling and vague. Unless the visions literally shook her, which I'm assuming they don't. And I don't know who "she" is.
No.
ReplyDeleteOn my first read, I thought "she" was the main character, and she's dead. The confusion stopped me. If "she" were my aunt, my grandmother, or Sue, I'd be okay with the first phrase. But then a problem of how arises in the second phrase. Were the dreams followed by visions, or did the visions begin after "she" died?
Maybe starting with some action would resolve both issues.
Yes - The dreams and visions have sondering, however, I'm confused by the sentence going from she to me. Who is speaking and who is having the dreams/visions. This still needs some work, but I like the premise.
ReplyDeleteNo- but only because the structure makes the sentence weak
ReplyDeleteNo. I think if I'd decided to sit down and read this book, nothing about this line would turn me off, but since I've got no context for this statement, it doesn't mean much to me. Also, I'm unclear on the 'followed almost immediately' phrase, and say the visions were 'so powerful they shook me' is really vague.
ReplyDeleteYes. Not my genre, but I got the paranormal part right away and it was a little creepy (cue Twilight Zone music). Then there are all the questions--who died, who are the visitors, why did they shake the protag?
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis is a little too vague for me. I need a little more to go on. Maybe instead have your main character experience one of the visions or come out of just having experienced a vision.
No. All 'tell' about someone and something I have no knowledge or interest in yet.
ReplyDeleteNo - Too difficult to tell if there are one or two people in this sentence.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm sorry, but to me the two clauses say basically the same thing. It's also back story. Start in the present, and get the reader grounded in the character and place first. Add this line later, if it's important.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'd suggest having the first sentence end at "died". I feel it would be more powerful.
ReplyDeleteNo. Something that starts with dreams feels "done before."
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm confused. At first I thought the "she" was going to be the narrator, but then you said "me" so it's obviously not, but that threw me enough that I had to go back and re-read it.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe visions are powerful, so I expected something powerful, and all they did was shake her. The bad thing about that is that it could mean anything. What do you mean when you say 'shook her?' Write that instead.
And I know this is a one sentence contest, but I think you'd be better off making this two short sentences.
The dreams started the week before she died. The visions came soon after.
No. Although it seems like this should be a powerful concept, the ways it's presented feels abstract and generic, and I find myself thinking it's going to be another paranormal story that's very similar to ones that have been done before.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'd rather see a line that is more in her head, how the visions feel and what impact they have on the character.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm confused about the POV, after rereading it I understand what you mean but I don't want to have to reread something to understand it.
ReplyDeleteNo. The POV is confusing, and the sentence is so vague I find I didn't care enough to try to puzzle out the POV.
ReplyDeleteNo. The beginning is interesting but having visions so strong they "shook" the mc sounds way too melodramatic.
ReplyDelete