TITLE: MY BEST FRIEND RUNS VENUS
GENRE: Upper MG Science Fiction
It wasn't the first time Kade had hacked the Venusian maintenance system, but it was one of the best. If he had to put a number to it (there was little he didn't put a number to), he'd give it a 9.7 out of 10. The 9.8 and 9.9 scores were reserved for something epic he hadn't thought of yet, and 10.0 was for the day he would finally reprogram how his robotic body looked.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. I actually like the second and third sentences much more than the first, and that rarely happens. Way to build momentum.
ReplyDeleteI'm a tiny bit confused about p.o.v. here. From the title, I was expecting first person, and I assumed that Kade was the best friend mentioned. But in these sentences, we're inside Kade's head, so is he the p.o.v. character? I would hope that the next sentences would clarify.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't as crazy about the second sentence. It's good character building, but it also feels like giving a classification system here slows the momentum (sorry to disagree with Krista!). But that's a real zinger in the last line--he's a robot! That would be enough to pull me forward.
This works. When it was the first sentence alone, I had too many questions. This has pique my interest and I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny. I started to lose it a bit in the second sentence. But the last part...I'd totally keep reading. Nice!
ReplyDeleteI liked this! The only thing I'd suggest is to leave out "out of 10" since you go on to explain the rating system. And maybe tighten to "9.8 and 9.9 were reserved..."
ReplyDeleteI'd lose the "out of ten" as well.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I'd read on.
Kade doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who leaves them to only one decimal place of precision. I see him as more of a three or four.
ReplyDelete"he'd give it a 9.7738 out of 10. The 9.8000 and 9.9000 scores ...."