TITLE: The Heart of Elebfar
GENRE: Science Fantasy
There were two mysteries about Rhauw’s front door. He intended to unravel both of them.
His father would say it was an idle whim, not worthy of his time. Knowing or not knowing would make no difference. The door was, after all, a door. And not only did the massive wooden slab serve its practical purpose as well as any could, it was a splendid piece of craftsmanship—a fine entrance to the fine new house. The questions it stirred in Rhauw’s mind were irrelevant now. Or so his father would say.
Rhauw disagreed. The door was part of his home—his and Miema’s, he reminded himself, with a touch of the uneasiness that often rose at the thought of her, absurd though it was. How dull and incurious would he have to be to see it every day and not wonder? If he tried to put it from his mind, each time he crossed his own doorstep he would be reminded of it. He’d been reminded just now merely by glancing up at the impressive gray-roofed house cantilevering out over the top of the draw, above the sloping hillside where he crouched beside a sprawling faidra bush, his hands braced in the muddy soil.
If only keeping his mind on that soil and the plants that grew in it were as easy as putting his hands into it. It was a simple task he’d charged himself with that afternoon, but he couldn’t stay focused on it; his thoughts kept drifting this way and that.
Miss Snark's First Victim
There's a lot of talk about the door here without describing what it looks like or why Rhauw thinks it's more than just a door. I think for this opening to have the impact you want, you need to make the reader see the door, make the reader wonder the same things Rhauw does. I want to feel the mystery right from the start, that's what will suck me and and help me connect with the MC. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with sbcrispell; I wasn't nearly as invested in the door as Rhauw. It felt like I was being told the door is meant to be important instead of being shown.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you've said there are two mysteries, but have not even hinted at either of them. They're really preying on Rhauw's mind, so readers should be let in on the secret so we can wonder, too.
On the other hand, you've given us some sense of his relationship with his father already, and given us reason to wonder who Miema is and why he's absurdly uneasy when he thinks of her. Those details helped me connect with Rhauw.
So I want more reason to wonder with him about the door, but I liked the worldbuilding you're beginning (loved the image of the "impressive gray-roofed house cantilevering out over the top of the draw") and the hints at relationships you've already given.
I love Science Fantasy.
ReplyDelete“And not only did the massive wooden slab serve its practical purpose as well as any could, it was a splendid piece of craftsmanship—a fine entrance to the fine new house.”
A “not only” feels like it needs a “but also”. The sentence gets a little convoluted with the aside.
“He’d been reminded just now merely by glancing up at the impressive gray-roofed house cantilevering out over the top of the draw, above the sloping hillside where he crouched beside a sprawling faidra bush, his hands braced in the muddy soil.”
This almost feels like a fragment. The sentence feels like a chord without a resolve.
You open with the statement of the two mysteries, and then immediately dive into how irrelevant his father thinks this is. I would suggest that you continue with the mystery theme.
You could combine the two sentences into one that I think would grab the reader better.
“There were two mysteries about Rhauw’s front door. He intended to unravel both of them. “
Alternative: “Rhauw intended to unravel both of the mysteries concerning the front door to his house.”
I like the tone and the voice here. It feels like it might be the sort of book you could settle down with for the long count. Having said that, I agree with some of the other comments regarding the door. It's important to tell us what the two mysteries are up front. Furthermore, if you tell us WHY his father thinks they're irrelevant, it will give us a great insight into the father/son relationship. Obviously Rhauw's father is not like his son.
ReplyDeleteI also like the suggestion that things are not ideal in his marriage. That's a good setup.
The 'absurd though it was', stopped me a bit because I'm not sure it clarifies what is absurd - his uneasiness? the door? I know you mean the uneasiness is absurd, but the sentence could use a bit of a tightening.
The last paragraph is frustrating because once you planted the idea that there is a mystery, you then get further and further away from telling us what's so mysterious. Instead the MC is thinking this and that.
All in all though, with some focus, this could be a wonderful beginning
Ditto to the above comments.
ReplyDeleteNothing really happens, except maybe the door opens and closes. At first reading, I wasn't even sure if the MC was going into the house or out of it.
BUT I think with a little tightening, I'll be wanting to read more.
You're using 'his father WOULD say' as if his father was dead. Is he? And if so, why does he keep going back to that? Why does it matter what his father would say(dead or alive) if he's not heeding that information? Perhaps omit what his father would say and just tell us what the MC thinks about the door in parg 1. You'd grab the reader right away instead of beating about the bush for 250 words.
ReplyDeleteThe whole opening is about the door, and you say in parg 2 he was reminded of it now just by glancing up at . . . . I expected you to describe the door and tell us about it. Instead, you give us a description of the house and the door is never mentioned. THis is the second time I'm frustrated because you're not telling me about the door. You could get the description of the house in somewhere else, and instead, tell us about the door you introduced.
His thoughts kept drifting this way and that - But that isn't true. His thoughts were all about the door.
You have some intriguing stuff here, but you're working real hard to not tell us what it is. Wondering 'WHat's with the door?' will not make me read on. It's only a door, after all. But if you tell me what those two strange things about the door are, then it becomes more than a door, and I'm as interested as your MC is to solve the mystery. The same goes for whatever's going on with his uneasiness about Miema. As is, withholding the info only makes me frustrated, leaving me not wanting to spend any more time on it. I wouldn't read on.
I agree that there's so much description of a door I'm not completely connected to the story yet. I'd like to see people & action as well and what is beyond the door that's so important. I understand that there's symbolism but in the first few pages you want to reel the reader in with something to connect to.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by the set up of Rhauw's feelings for Miema and has been wanting to know more about this as it seems something bad came between them. If I had that connection I'd definitely be hooked.
I don't have a problem with slow reveals, or your slow reveal. I didn't feel like I needed to know what the mysteries were right away, I trusted that you, the author, would get there.
ReplyDeleteI do think there are parts of your excerpt, though, that get a little telly, and since the scene is all back and forth with his thoughts, I feel ungrounded.
I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing. He's pretty much just a disembodied voice at this point.
These two lines especially pulled me out:
Rhauw disagreed. The door was part of his home—his and Miema’s, he reminded himself, with a touch of the uneasiness that often rose at the thought of her, absurd though it was.
We know Rhauw disagrees. You open the scene by telling us he plans to unravel the mysteries, then you tell us that his father thinks it's dumb. But we already know he's going to unravel the mystery so you don't need to tell us that Rhauw doesn't agree with his father's counter beliefs.
The second bit is a touch too telly for my taste. We’re pretty close in his POV, so the “he reminded himself” strikes me as a little weird. Because you have it broken out with the emdash, we read it as him interrupting his own thoughts, so we don’t need to know he’s reminded himself, we can see it with the punctuation. And then you tell us he feels unease. I’d much rather SEE him feeling this unease. Could you ground it in his body maybe? This would give us a chance to see HIM as a character and not just his thoughts and voice.
But all of this said, i like the tone and the voice and the slow build of tension. I'm really curious as to what the mysteries of the door are