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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #1

TITLE: Drone On and On
GENRE: MG Light Sci-fi

To prevent the military’s adoption of automated killer drones, and his brother’s death from becoming meaningless, 12-year-old Sagan must partner with an eccentric teenage girl to win a piloted drone combat tournament and get a shot at the latest killer drone.

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7 comments:

  1. MilhaudSeptember 23, 2014 at 11:38 AM

    I don't think "adoption" works well. I'd use the word "use" instead. Good luck.

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  2. SarahSeptember 23, 2014 at 11:44 AM

    I feel like if you start it with 12 year old Sagan you'll make it stronger, so we know who he is off the bat.

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  3. Julie ArtzSeptember 23, 2014 at 11:44 AM

    I think this would work a lot better as two sentences. From reading this I think Sagan's brother was killed by drones and this sounds like much more immediate stakes for a 12 year old than preventing the military from using them, no? You have a little bit more room here to tell us why winning the tournament would stop the military from using the drones and why Sagan needs to partner with an eccentric girl. This is an intriguing premise. Best of luck!

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  4. BeckySeptember 23, 2014 at 12:23 PM

    I think the other commenters have made valid points.

    I'll add, when I read the genre, I assumed the "light" part meant it leans toward humor and light-hearted fun. The premise isn't that at all. So bow I assume it's light on the speculative elements? I'm just wondering if "light" is needed.

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  5. Holly BodgerSeptember 23, 2014 at 1:00 PM

    Sarah is right. You need to focus this on the character, not the plot. You have all of the right elements, but this loses its effect as written. Tell us first what incites the story (I'm guessing this is the brother's death) and then incite the goal (prevent drones). Then add the girl and give us some idea of the obstacles the two will face whilst trying to meet the goal.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  6. Jennifer KaySeptember 23, 2014 at 8:48 PM

    "and his brother’s death from becoming meaningless" feels too passive. This is probably his biggest motivation so make it active.

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  7. BarbaraSeptember 24, 2014 at 11:11 AM

    ANd what happens if he doesn't get his shot? WHat happens if he gets his shot but doesn't succeed? What's missing here are the stakes. We know what Sagan must do. WHat happens if he doesn't do it?

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