TITLE: The Past is History
GENRE: YA Contemporary
When a popular junior is forced to investigate the death of another student, a string of disturbing clues prove that she and her friends are responsible for the tragedy in ways she couldn't have imagined. Will she bury it in the past or dismantle her life further in hopes of redemption?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Why does she specifically have to investigate the death? Everything else sounds really intriguing, but it feels like she has to investigate it just for the sake of everything else being able to happen. If you can make me buy in to the idea that the main character and only that character can investigate the death, then I'm hooked from everything that follows.
ReplyDeleteI like it but "popular junior" is vague and I don't really care who she is or what she's after.
ReplyDeleteI think if you replace "popular junior" with the character's name you will give us someone to identify with. Then provide the reason for her responsibility.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note on the popular junior tag, I took an online class where everyone was crafting pitches with generic labels, and the instructor insisted this was how to pitch. I've always been taught name + age or name + characteristic. I think they are style preferences.
ReplyDeleteFor this pitch, I want to know why a high schooler is forced to investigate a student death--that seems pertinent. The "ways she couldn't have imagined" doesn't quite provide enough hook. I would also suggest perhaps the word "indicate" rather than "prove" since that sounds conclusive. The last line is also a bit too general. If your MC is accused of murder, what does this cost her? What is her call to action? What does she risk by proving her own innocence, or finding the true killer?
I like this a lot, but I find it a little vague. I would love to know the main character's name and it would be good if you could explain what you mean by dismantling her life, redemption, etc., which are somewhat vague concepts. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see the name of the MC added to connect us more to her. I think the last sentence would be stronger as a statement.
ReplyDeleteI'm already caught up in the emotions of this story. What I don't understand is why this popular girl is forced to investigate. Is she maybe president of a club, and some sort of hazing is involved, and this investigation is required in order for the club to continue its existence?
ReplyDeleteHmmm--maybe that means hooking the reader boils down to giving us specific stakes and consequences.
Sounds like a good premise.
I was lost at the first line. I can't get past why a junior in high school needs to investigate a murder. Are there no police in town?
ReplyDeleteThe setup for this is okay (aside from the need to explain why someone would force her to investigate a death!) but then it goes nowhere. What is her goal here? Rather than incite a goal, this seems to incite a choice (and you should never ask a question in a logline). You need to tell us what obstacles she needs to overcome in order to meet her goal.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I would name the main character to help the reader identify with her and also explain briefly why she is forced to investigate a death. Kids are usually discouraged from interfering.
ReplyDeleteIf you add the name, the beginning is good. The last line is vague and confusing. The bury it in the past almost implied time travel, but I'm not sure.
ReplyDelete