TITLE: Shrouded Goddess
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Seventeen-year-old Sophie can hide her tribal heritage and fend off her groping cousin, but when she awakens the Water Goddess, Sophie is determined to bring peace to her rainforest homeland, which has more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this, but I think you might be trying to put too much in. I'm not sure with so few words to spare, we need to know about the groping cousin. How about...
ReplyDeleteWhen seventeen-year-old Sophie awakens the Water Goddess, she has to turn against heritage and family to bring peace to her rain forest homeland.
I love the setting, but I think you need a few more details to really hook us. I'm not really sure what the stakes are to Sophie--is she just taking on her uncle, or a larger group of evil-doers? What scars are they imposing on the rainforest--give us some specifics here. Does she awaken the goddess on purpose or by accident? Adding a few more specifics will help us understand what is at stake and hook us into your story.
ReplyDeleteI like Rachel's take, but I might not shorten the start as much. It's the stuff after the comma that pushes me out:
ReplyDeleteSeventeen-year-old Sophie can hide her tribal roots and fend off her groping cousin, but when she awakens the Water Goddess, she has to turn against home and heritage to save a ravaged land.
I felt a bit like there were too many people here: Sophie, her cousin, the Water Goddess, and her uncle.
ReplyDeleteYou also have Sophie named twice in the first sentence - I think you could change the 2nd one to "Water Goddess, she is determined" instead.
Loved the start - the way Sophie's mundane problems suddenly give way to the fabulous. Did not see a Water Goddess coming! Less fond of the second sentence and especially the last phrase, which looked contrived in contrast to the clarity of the opening. Something as straight forward as "... even her vicious uncle wasn't going to stop her" might serve you better.
ReplyDeleteI think this would read better as two sentences. You kinda lost me after "rainforst homeland." I'd rework that part.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise here, but am not very clear about the stakes involved. What's the consequence of her awakening the Goddess? Is her obstacle (the threat to her land) the Goddess or this uncle?
ReplyDeleteI don't see how all of these things are connected. Why does awakening a goddess make her suddenly want to bring peace to her rainforest? And what does peace really look like? Is she trying to oust her uncle as the leader? If so, that is her real goal and you need to tell us who is going to try to stop her and how.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Does she accidentally wake the water goddess and need to restore order? Or does she seek the water goddess to bring peace (if so, you should explain what you mean by peace - is there war)?
ReplyDelete