TITLE: Cheesus Was Here
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Every Sunday, my town turns into a war zone and I’m left huddled in the middle. On one side, St. Andrew’s United Methodist Church hovers, ready to rake in the faithful. On the other, Holy Cross Baptist sends out a siren song, luring in congregants. I don’t want anything to do with either of them. Me and God, we’re not best buds these days.
No man’s land, occupied by those few agnostics, atheists and major-holiday-only observers, is a dangerous place to be. But I’ve got an excuse for skipping services this week. One even the white-haired old ladies can’t argue with. Probably.
Outside, St. Andrew’s church bell continues to ring, brassy and demanding. In answer, Holy Cross’s choir lead, Ellen Martin, croons out a gospel song through speakers wide as a barn door. The bell falls silent and Ellen draws out the last triumphant note of "Hallelujah." I start laughing. Score one for Reverend Beaudean and Holy Cross. Pastor Bobby’s arms must have given out while yanking on the bell pull. The weekly grudge match between the two churches is as much a part of Clemency, Texas, as the faded wood sign on the edge of town proclaiming: "Welcome Y'all."
I shove away from the convenience store’s counter, sliding my hands over the nicked orange surface, and count out my cash drawer. Time to finish getting the store ready for the day. This is my first Sunday shift and I raise a soda cup filled with Dr. Pepper as a toast.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Like the way you have the churches battling it out, very entertaining. It's not clear how close together they are. Are they across the street or across town from each other? Also, are they intentionally competing or is it simply worship happens to begin at the same time for both churches? And where is the convenience store in relation - in between?
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite getting the voice as YA. I like the set up between the churches, it really sets the scene nicely, but (the dreaded but): because we are so wrapped up in solid, long, flowing sentences I'm not always hearing a young adult narrator. For the most part I hear an adult. Even slips into moments like "probably" and "not the best of buds" doesn't quite help me hear a young adult as the narrator.
ReplyDeleteI like what you've done with the churches, and as someone who lived in small town Texas, this is authentic. Enjoyed it and am left wanting to know why she and God aren't "best buds" anymore. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise. Is working on Sunday MC's way of avoiding the conflict? Does he consider himself a conscientious objector in the metaphorical war?
ReplyDeleteMaybe a detail about the war itself would be useful.
This is written so well, and the title is amazing. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI also didn't get much of a YA feel from this, but perhaps this is b/c we don't know much about the MC yet since the focus is on the churches.
What I think would help is to yank that paragraph beginning with "Outside" and instead show us what your MC's reason for skipping services is. You set up a great story question, but then we see more about the battling churches. It's written well, but I would suggest keeping the focus on your character now that you've set the scene. You can always add church battle logistics in later pages.
Consider starting with the fourth paragraph which introduces the main character. I liked the battle of the churches too, but I think it needs to come after we meet the narrator. Otherwise, especially given the title, this sounds like it's going to be one long preach-a- thon.
ReplyDeleteI also liked the title.
I have to agree the voice is not feeling quite YA yet. But you do an amazing job immersing us in your world. Openings don't always have to be about action or character; they can be about place, too, especially if that place has character all its own. Clemency, TX vibrantly came alive for me.
ReplyDeleteYou've set up the idea of the churches and the protagonist's beef with them, it's an intriguing draw, I haven't got a feel for the main character yet.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't something I would read, so I can't comment on its ability to entice me. But I can say it was well-written and your MC has an entertaining voice. My only concern is all the detail on the churches. Do we really need it all in the first 250?
ReplyDeleteNice writing and very readable, but the first three pargs are all set up. You're telling us what you think we need to know before starting the story. Instead of telling us what happens 'every' Sunday, show us what happens on 'this' particular Sunday.
ReplyDeleteYour MC and every other character in your story, can only talk to other people in the story, and your first three pargs have the MC talking to a reading audience. That's why it doesn't work. If you show the MC on 'a' particular Sunday making his or her way to work, you stay within the story. You can still get across all the same info except instead of telling the reader, you show the MC living through it, experiencing it all themselves.
This is terrific writing. I like the battling churches, the imagery, the sign at the end of town, the Dr. Pepper toast. I do wish I knew who was talking to me though. I expect that would come next. If not, it should.
ReplyDeleteI love the tone. You give a great idea of the setting. There are lots of articles about setting as a character, in this cause I think it is the character at the end but you dont introduce him/her. I think you really need to introduce the MC. When you mention the straddling line, that would be a great place to slip something in but I like it!
ReplyDeleteUnlike so many of the others who left comments, I do hear a YA voice here. The writing is wonderful: I'm happy waiting until the next paragraph to find out who the protagonist is.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the comments and suggestions for my first 250 words. I really appreciate it!
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