TITLE: The Best Thing That I Didn't Ever Do
GENRE: Adult fiction
Crazy Larry waited outside of Tommy’s office, he began to focus in on the events that lay just the other side of those solid oak doors.
Looking in the mirror, he began practicing the fake “I’m surprised” look that would have to radiate across his mug as he walked through the double doors in reaction to everyone yelling “surprise.”
With a solid metallic click, the double doors opened, and there stood Tommy. “Come here, my old friend.” Larry walked up to Tommy, and they embraced. As they did, Tommy announced, “Happy birthday, my friend.” Larry looked around and saw no one in the room.
Tommy walked to the closet and pulled out a long, slender present wrapped in colorful paper. “Happy Birthday, but don’t open it yet. Sorry about the whole no-surprise thing this year, but I’ll make it up to you. Just be patient. You see, we’ve got some business to take care of today.”
Larry perked up. “You know, Larry,” Tommy continued, “I hate making house calls. However, it’s like what I keep telling Tommy, Jr. Sometimes you just have to do things that you really don’t want to do. Larry, Victor is way overdue for a monetary visit. Three shipments of cigarettes hijacked by him, and not one ounce of juice has come our way. Everyone thinks that I’m growing soft. So guess what, my old friend. I waited until today, your birthday; to make what I hope will be our last house call.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Especially the last paragraph is intriguing. It leaves me wondering why it will be the last house call. Why is Larry looking forward to it when Tommy hates them? Interesting. :)
ReplyDeleteYou might want to look at the wording of the first sentence. This is from Larry's POV, and I'm wondering if he would think of himself as "crazy Larry" or just "Larry." I don't think you need "in" in the first sentence, and I'm not sure if events can lay in a room.
In both of the first paragraphs, you use "began to". I think you could cut that phrase and just let Larry focus and practice.
You used the word "walked" three times on this page - maybe you could find other words or drop that since it's implied that Larry would have to walk to Tommy to embrace him.
Instead of telling us that Larry looked around, you could instead show us that no one is there and how he feels about being alone when he expected a party. Sad? Embarrassed? Relieved?
I think you could also embellish on the perking up - what are Larry's thoughts there?
Good luck!
The last paragraph grabbed my interest. Before that, not so much. I found the 3rd paragraph to be too wordy.
ReplyDeleteI would change the first sentence to 2 sentences rather than a comma before he. I would start the second sentence there.
I would change across his mug as he walked to across his mug when he walked.
Your first sentence seems like it needs some rewording. It is confusing and I think it is the syntax. The second sentence is wordy. Consider cutting some of it out or making it multiple sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph captured my attention and I am very curious to find out what happens at this house call.
This reads like a first draft. It opens with a comma splice and is full of verbal flab like "began to." The whole first sentence certainly needs to get cut. Once it's been edited and shortened, maybe it will get to the interesting stuff the last sentence hints at.
ReplyDeleteYou need to do a bunch of work on this, at the sentence level. BUT... I'm feeling some serious attitude here. Am I guessing right that the long slender present might go "bang!"? <I'm pretty sure that's incorrect punctuation.
ReplyDeleteThere's something very intriguing going on in this piece. You've piqued my interest. You do need to revise the heck out of it though.