TITLE: Forgiving Impressions
GENRE: Adult Contemporary Romance
“Zip me up?” Gina asked, coming out of the dressing room.
Roger dropped his cell phone beside her purse and stepped up behind her. “Can you believe Sabella’s getting married, and we don’t even have dates to the wedding?”
Gina shot him a chiding look over her shoulder. “Sabella deserves her happily ever after.”
He tugged the zipper up then resettled her hair. “I know! She does. But, seriously. Us? Stag at her wedding?” He plopped back on the plush cream bench across from the angled trio of mirrors. “Unacceptable!”
“Ever the drama queen.” Gina stepped onto the raised platform to assess the alterations to her maid of honor dress, trying not to look too hard at her reflection.
Roger actually stuck his tongue out at her.
“Weddings are supposed to be great for meeting people,” Gina reminded, turning towards him. “Haven’t you been saying you wanted a cowboy? Kane’ll have some friends there.”
“Oh, please.” His lips found the impeccable pout that always made Sabella jealous. Gina couldn’t wait to see her best friend outside of the computer screen again. “Does he seem like the type to have gay friends?” Roger asked with pointedly widened eyes.
“Oh, there’s a type, is there?”
“ Tsk. You know what I mean!”
“And you know what I mean.” Gina swept her hands out, silently asking about the dress.
Roger’s nod of approval ended with a head tilt.
“So suck it up, and put on a happy face for Sab’s sake,” she added, checking the hemline one more time.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very good but I would add some description of the dress - color, style - to help the reader form a more complete mental picture.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue in this is very natural and builds character nicely. I would definitely read on. Well done.
ReplyDeleteGreat intro. The characters seem very natural to me and I like the hint of details with the focus on character development. The only phrase that I found difficult to read was the the bit about seeing her friend outside of the computer screen. Is there a way to clarify that?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback!
ReplyDeleteVery nice, smooth dialog that doesn't feel forced and conveys the level of friendship between these two. I'm guessing that both these people will have romances in the book. The wedding as the opening suggests as a "never the bride, always the bridesmaid" situation. I do prefer to see characters in a setting, and as someone suggested, the bridesmaid dress would be great. Also maybe get more than just "we're single/ we want people" for these characters, and the "zip me up" opening for some reason made me feel like Gina might be a shallow person. But I imagine that you will reveal more about these characters as the chapters proceeds. It's good writing. Good luck. I hope you get picked.
ReplyDeleteHey.
ReplyDeleteI thought this a good opening and intro to these characters.
I can't say I agree that asking someone to zip you up is in any way a sign of shallowness -- better not tell my wife that! But there could perhaps be a stronger hook. Further down, you emphasize how Gina is trying to look in the mirror without looking "too hard at her reflection." -- What's this about? Is there a story here that could serve as a stronger hook to open the scene?
The only thing that I found a bit of an issue was a mundane technical thing with the following graph:
“Oh, please.” His lips found the impeccable pout that always made Sabella jealous. Gina couldn’t wait to see her best friend outside of the computer screen again. “Does he seem like the type to have gay friends?” Roger asked with pointedly widened eyes.
There should be a paragraph break after "jealous" to separate what Roger's dialogue and actions from Gina's.
This is all fine, but didn't seem a strong way to START. Also, it felt a bit info-dumpy to me. It's SO hard not to info dump in dialogue when there's information to share. I'd like to see a stronger opening for this good writing.
ReplyDeleteI would hesitate to start a book with dialogue--we don't know who is speak (i.e., man or woman, age, etc.) and so I think a short introduction would be better before jumping into the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I was a little confused about all the characters introduced in such a short amount of time. You mention Gina's best friend, which I assume is Sabella,and something about a computer screen (long distance friendship?) but it's not all very clear. I'm also not sure how the narrator know that Roger's pout makes Sabella jealous (or what that is supposed to indicate?).
The line, "Roger actually stuck his tongue out at her." would be stronger without the "actually."
From the first, I knew Roger was gay. Good set up. And good dialogue to establish character.
ReplyDeleteYou need a new paragraph beginning "Gina couldn't wait to see"...
Otherwise, I'm interested to see what comes next. Many contributors on this site want all the action in the first 250 words. Relax!!!