TITLE: Crawlspace
GENRE: Middle Grade Adventure
All I wanted to do after school was find the world’s greatest treasure.
Instead I found the world’s biggest butthead.
Wayne Lynch. He was crouched in the alley behind my house, blocking my back gate. His face was squinched up into a you-are-dead-meat look. Bad enough he pushed me around at school, but I couldn’t get away from the guy since he lived next door.
I didn’t need this. Not now. I’d been trying to figure out my grandpa’s latest riddle all day, and I was stumped. Usually his riddles were about finding a book or an old coin, but this one told me to find the world’s greatest treasure. I couldn’t wait to call Grandpa for more clues.
Just one problem. Wayne. I didn’t want to fight him, and I couldn’t just push him out of the way. Might as well try shoving a gorilla. Until I met Wayne I didn’t know they made sixth graders that big.
Wayne’s lip got all sneery. Not easy looking like a tough kid when you had short red hair and freckles, but he managed it. “Well, if it isn’t little Alvie the chipmunk.”
Before I knew what my mouth was doing, it opened and said, “You are such a butthead.”
Wayne stood up. And stood up some more. He kept standing up until he was ten times my size. Or maybe twenty. “Now you’re a dead chipmunk.”
He shoved me down into the gravel covering the alley.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the first couple of lines. Pulled me right in. I have a feeling I'd love this whole book. I'm wondering what the inciting incident is and where this is going. There's a lot of description of Wayne in the first 250. Is he a significant part of the book? Overall, the voice is really great. And I love the sample.
ReplyDeleteThose first two lines made me laugh, great opening. Nice intro to your main character, too. We learn some pertinent info pretty quickly.
ReplyDeleteYou could probably trim a word here and there:
His face was squinched up into a you-are-dead-meat look. --> His face squinched in a you-are-dead-meat look.
Otherwise, good work.
I love the first two lines. It sounds like a really fun book. My only suggestion would be maybe eliminating some of the description of Wayne and revealing it later. Overall great first page.
ReplyDeleteNice start. Needs to be trimmed a bit, but phrases such as "you're a dead chipmunk" are entertaining and good characterization. Well done.
ReplyDeleteWhat fun! Great voice. Nice opening lines, too. I particularly liked, "Wayne stood up. And stood up some more. He kept standing up until he was ten times my size."
ReplyDeleteGreat start! I agree that there is too much description of Wayne, but that's minor. I like it!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening lines! Definitely drew me in and revealed character right away. I also like the early description but I thought you revisited it one too many times. Love your dialogue!
ReplyDeleteNice start, especially the opening lines, but I also think you're spending too much time describing Wayne. I'd rather be given a hint why he's picking on Alvie.
ReplyDeleteI liked this! The conflict and the mystery. I mostly liked the short punchy sentences, but I wanted you to just combine a couple things. Just say, 'Wayne Lynch was crouched...' Instead of 'Just one problem. Wayne.' I know you want to be choppy, but I think it will be stronger if you combine the two, like, 'Wayne was a problem.'
ReplyDeleteAgain, overall, I like this beginning that sets up the stakes and the conflict.
Fun story. Pulled me in I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteYou set up the mystery at the beginning and the conflict with the bully. I didn't understand why Wayne crouched in the alley to block the gate,if he's that big of a kid.
ReplyDeleteI thought you could cut some of the sentences near the end where you have Wayne standing up. It seemed redundant.
I'd definitely read on.
Well done. I really like the description especially if he is 'the bully' The one we all know! I do like the imagery of him standing up, then standing up more. Gives an impression of size and intimidation. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. You've captured the MG voice perfectly. I agree with others that you could trim a word or two, but otherwise I think it's perfect and it sounds like such a fun read.
ReplyDelete