TITLE: AND I LOVE HER
GENRE: NA Contemporary
Nineteen year-old Luke Harrison has been in love with his friend Aly since the day they met. She’s funny, sweet, beautiful, loves the Beatles, and has a long history of abusive relationships. Luke wants to spend the rest of his life with her; but first he has to convince Aly to give trust one more chance.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Sorry if this is a repeat...
ReplyDeleteYour characters seem so likeable - even in such a short snippet, yet I'm left wondering if there are obstacles (other than Aly's tendency to make bad choices) that Luke must overcome?
I think you are on the right track, but I think you might be putting to much emphasis on details that might not be important. Is the reason she doesn't trust him because of the long history of abusive relationships? If so maybe cut the second sentence and wrap that idea into the third.
ReplyDeletePossibly something like "He wants to spend the rest of his life with her; but first he has to convince Aly he's not like the abusive guys she's dated in the past.
I like a few of the specific details (loves the Beatles). This lacks stakes to me. He wants her to date him (goal). I presume the conflict is her being jaded, but it's not really clear. What will happen if they don't get together?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cristin. It lacks what's at stake. Will he die of heartbreak if he doesn't reach his goal? Why should I care that he spends the rest of his life with her? You need to tell me as the potential reader why I should care about these two.
ReplyDeleteI like how this starts off (aside from the part about the abusive relationships because it sounds like he loves her BECAUSE of this), but after the second sentence, it kinda goes nowhere. You need to tell us what happens to make Luke think he can finally win Aly over now. After that, you can position the abuse/lack of trust as an obstacle to him winning her.
ReplyDeleteNote that with romance novels, there is usually an overarching plot that is pulling the couple apart and pushing them together at the same time. It would help to see some of that here.
Good luck!
Holly
I like this, but I think you need to make it clearer what is preventing Luke and Holly from dating, and why he decided to pursue her now (what will happen if he doesn't).
ReplyDeleteIn other words, I agree with the previous comments :)
I like the tone and the details work for me rather than detract, but I would really like to know why this has to happen now. Is Aly about to walk off the cliff into another abusive relationship? What makes time matter here?
ReplyDeleteAs others have noted, this lacks stakes. The one bit of specificity is the Beatles, which ties nicely into the title, but otherwise it's the basic plotline of every NA/romance novel. Why do these specific characters matter to the reader? What do they want? What's stopping them? What will they do to overcome it?
ReplyDelete