TITLE: Where All the Missing Pieces Go
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Tricked into painting the stars, magic-less Jane had her voice, vision, and memories stolen by Etoile Nymphs. Now she must hunt them down before they return to the sky forever with all her missing pieces.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the opening thought of painting the stars. The title could be more fantastic - Mystery of the Missing Stars or something like that. I need a phrase describing the nymphs, why they would steal her tools. If they stole her memories, how is she aware of this? Did they steal only her favorite memories? I feel you're very deep into your story and need help remembering the audience isn't familiar with it, especially in the second sentence. This is the stakes sentence, but I don't fully understand. It needs just a bit more to bring out what sounds like a beautifully descriptive story.
ReplyDeleteNice premise. I'm not sure how someone gets tricked into painting the stars so I'm not sure that's the best place to start, because it just leaves me with more questions before I'm invested in the story. If Jane has no voice, vision, or memories, how does she know she's been tricked? What will happen if she doesn't get them back? I wanted the stakes to be more concrete and as is, this leaves me with too many questions. How old is Jane? How does one hunt nymphs?
ReplyDeleteThis first line sounds like it is referring to something that happened before the story starts. If this actually happens in the novel, it needs to be in present tense and it needs to start with her NEED for her voice, vision, and memories and then show the goal that is incited when she loses them. Aside from that, we could use some obstacles to show why hunting them down will be difficult.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I agree with what's been said that there are more questions that prop up in this short log line then there are hints to the story. One thing that confused me, that might help you to know, is that Jane is painting stars, but she is magic-less. On the one hand, I'm asked to imagine the possibility of painting stars, on the other, I'm told it's not magic. This feels a bit confusing to me. As was said, if her memories are stolen, how does she know to go after the Nymphs? In terms of what's at stake: if as a reader I'm to care about the missing pieces I need to know something about Jane that will want me to root for her and for her to get back what she wants. So, what I suggest is that you expand the log line just a tad, clarify the opening sentence to show, for instance, if the Nymphs stole her magic, or how this star painting business works. Give a few hints as to what kind of person Jane is, and why it's important that we care for her, and maybe also show us how threatening or dangerous the Nymphs are, how much of a challenge it is to confront them. Hope this helps. Good luck to you. Sounds like an interesting fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what's been said, but will add that the second line confuses me more. The nymphs will return to the sky? Why is that a problem? Isn't that where she is?
ReplyDeleteI like the concept here, but as Holly said, if the nymphs tricking her is the inciting incident, for a logline like this you don't want to use 'had' in the first sentence. It would probably work better to use something more like the conventional phrasing beginning with 'when'. For example: "When xx-year old Jane is tricked into painting the stars by the Etoile Nymphs, etc."
ReplyDeleteThen I think we need a little more information about the Nymphs -- including why they would do this to Jane and how they will try to stop her from getting back what they stole.
Also, I have to say that I respectfully disagree with Elizabeth about your title -- I think it's wonderful as it is, and because it's so poetic it's more 'magical' than something that plainly refers to magic.
Good luck!