TITLE: The Last Case
GENRE: Romantic suspense
A policewoman is framed in a department corruption scandal. Trying to exonerate herself, she catches the attention of two gorgeous men. One ignores the law, the other breaks it. She has to decide which one is worth the risk.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love that you have a policewoman. My MC is also a women who was framed. A great premise. Something to work on: Your MC catches the attention of 2 men - and has to decide which one. So she catches their attention but more to the point - she falls for 2 men. it's about her falling in love and deciding - not them, right? It's subtle but I think it will make the logline stronger.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! A great start.
I think I'd like a first word with more movement, like "When...", and "gorgeous" feels a little cliche. The story does sound exciting, and I love the female officer protagonist. It's not clear to me, however, why she must choose either of the two men. What do they have to do with her case? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think you should add the MC's name. Also, as is I'm confused about the relationship between her being framed and these two men. Are they related to the case? If so, let us see how (one's a defense attorney and the other is a reporter--something like that). Great start!
ReplyDeleteI think you got good comments so far, that is, I agree with what's been said. I would also add that changing the sentence structure might help. Your first line is a passive sentence. Turning it to active would make the logline flow better. Also, rather than calling her a woman, giving her name would personalize the situation and make it more exciting for the reader. The connection between the men and the case has already been brought up. Another thing I'd suggest is clarifying what the risk is. I think telling the reader/agent exactly what's at stake is crucial. Best of luck to you. It sounds really exciting, and something I'd definitely want to know more about.
ReplyDeleteI don’t see how catching the attention of two men has anything to do with her either meeting or not meeting her goal. Are these men the only people who can prove her innocence? And what’s the difference between ignoring the law and breaking it (sounds like a degree of the same thing) and why do these things matter to her? Are you trying to say that she feels like she would have to commit a crime in order to prove that she didn’t commit a crime? If so, you need to state that as it is the main conflict here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
What struck me was the sentence about ignoring the law and breaking it, felt like the same thing. Also I would like the MC's name too.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of this, but the pitch might need restructuring. It's not conveying the fresh premise as well and clearly as it could. Also, how are the two men related to the scandal? Do they just pop out of nowhere? How are they helping her? Exactly what is at stake? That last question might be the main thing the pitch is missing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I agree with giving her name. I'd also like to suggest putting a bit of her voice in the pitch. Is she sassy? Determined? Kick ass? Add words/phrases she might use to give the reader an idea of her character.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!