TITLE: Glistronaut
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Alex Mata’s going insane. He’s 17, he’s hearing voices and he’s seeing things just like his schizo Uncle Chuy. But there are things far stranger and more serious than insanity afoot . Alex is being recruited by The Gentry -- an alien race attempting to prevent a pernicious and deadly force from destroying the galaxy -- and Alex’s developing schizophrenia is the exact tool they’re looking for.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Intriguing premise, but I think you can boil down the word count (Love pernicious, though). The entire second sentence strikes me as redundant except for establishing the protag's gender.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I really like this premise but I agree I think you could use some tightening. Maybe something along the lines of:
ReplyDeleteSeventeen-year-old Alex Mata’s going insane. He’s hearing voices and seeing things just like his schizo Uncle Chuy. But Alex's developing schizophrenia is the exact tool The Gentry -- an alien race -- needs to prevent a pernicious and deadly force from destroying the galaxy.
I like this premise. I agree with the first comment. Merge line 1 and line 2.
ReplyDeleteI would remove "The Gentry" to reduce word count and leave the focus on your MC, Alex. Same with uncle chuy. "schizo uncle" gives us enough info to know this runs in the family.
stakes are missing too. why would a 17yr old boy want to join forces with an alien race?
This is written as if the goal and obstacles belong to The Gentry, rather than Alex. You need to tell us what HE wants and why they are going to stop him from getting it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like the premise a lot, but what's at stake? How will Alex suffer by this recruiting or by fighting in this galaxy war? As others said, turn it around so it's Alex's story.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the prior posts about tightening the writing and focusing on Alex. Go back to Holly's logline wisdom: http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.ca/2014/10/more-logline-wisdom-from-holly-bodger.html
ReplyDeleteNeed -> Inciting Incident -> Goal -> Obstacles.
It sounds like Alex's goal is to be cured of his schizophrenia, and the obstacle is that it's the tool required to save the human race.
I think you could cut the going insane (kind of telling) vs the rest that shows that. I'd like to know Alex's goals - does he know he's going insane, does he care?
ReplyDeleteInteresting title!
Looks really interesting. I totally agree with Jaime's slight tweak of it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This is interesting, but it's almost all set up. What is his goal? Is it helping the aliens? If so, what stands in his way? If you drop the second sentence and combine the first and third, you'll have more room to add the stakes and consequences.
ReplyDelete