TITLE: Island Shadows
GENRE: YA
When a sixteen-year-old girl travels to a wooded river island to solve a forty-year old mystery of a missing heiress and an abandoned castle, she learns that not all fairy tales have happy endings and that someone is determined she doesn’t have one either.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The premise here is interesting, but it's hard to make sense of the real meat of the story. Maybe shorten into a few sentences rather than one run on.
ReplyDeleteI think overall everyone here has learned a lot from the previous logline critique. This has a nice hook, but then sort of falls apart at the end. It's too vague. We already know fairy tales don't have happy endings. In fact, some of them are pretty depressing. So what is your sixteen-year-old heroine really up against? Wild dogs? Witches? Will she die if she doesn't solve this mystery? If that's the case then why would she stick around to try and solve it? Why is she so involved?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
The last part of the sentence draws us in. In the first part you can hook us too. To get us connected to the main character, I suggest you mention her name and what motivates her to want to solve the mystery.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think giving us a first name would make this feel more personal. Second, I agree that this feels too long because it's one really long sentence. Can you chop this up and give us the hook and then the stakes? Sixteen year old (name) travels to an abandoned castle to solve a 40yo mystery of a missing heiress.
ReplyDeleteAnd then tell us why? what does she hope to gain here? What, specifically, stand in her way? What does she need to do and what will happen if she fails? Again, be as specific as possible.
I like your premise here. I agree that you need to chop this up into separate sentences and I'd like a little more ont he character and her need. We know her goal is to find out more about the castle but what are her obstacles? What are the stakes? Will she die if she doens't get out? Will she lose a dare or something? Also, is the inciting incident when she enters the woods? I guess just a few more specifics and you should be set. Nice start though!
ReplyDeleteKind of a Nancy Drew vibe here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I think you could leave the word river out. It's worth mentioning the island, because it's in the title, but it doesn't need two adjectives. Focus on the essentials.
ReplyDeleteThis is a solid plot summary, but it needs to be tweaked in order to be a logline. You need to focus on this girl, what she wants and why she wants it. Is there a reason why she must solve this mystery? Does she have something to lose if she doesn't solve it?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I really like this. I would want to read it just based on what you presented, but I do feel it can be made stronger by adding more information about her motivations. Why is she going to investigate this mystery?
ReplyDelete