TITLE: Puddler's Hall
GENRE: MG Mystery Adventure
Peridot Smith wants a home. After too many bad foster experiences she hits the streets. But the streets are no refuge. While being stalked by a menacing stranger, Peri discovers Puddler's Hall, where subtle magic feels like a glimmer of home. But when mysterious messages begin arriving on a broken cell phone, Peri starts to question the truth behind her parents' death and to wonder if the Hall's magic is helping her -- or not.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the concept here but I think there might be too much going on in the logline. I'm not sure you need the bit about being stalked by a menacing stranger and the wanting a home bit feels a little overdone. I would focus on puddler's hall, the messages on the broken cell and questions surrounding her parents' death.Those are the really intriguing parts of your story.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like it could be a great story! You're on the right track but your log line needs to be pared down. You have the inciting incident- After a bad history in foster care, she hits the streets and stumbles upon Puddler's Hall. We know the MC wants a home... but what does she have to overcome to get it? Be specific here. I hope this helps. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with above, this sounds like a good story, and it's sharply written, but too long to really hook. Find the focus and pare the rest down. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAuthoress is going to fall over when she sees this, but I'm saying it anyway: this is good!
ReplyDeleteI only have a couple of comments. I'd suggest you connect wanting a home with hitting the streets because it is not clear why hitting the streets will help her find a home. Also, the final line could be tweaked a little. If her goal is to have a home, then you need to show us how the truth of her parents' death is threatening this goal. Whether or not the magic is "helping her" is a little too vague and disconnected.
Good luck!
Holly
Some great elements here. Love her name! I'd mention the parents in first sentence i.e. "After her parent's death, Peridot Smith takes to the streets where she stumbles on Puddler's Hall. Here, the subtle magic feels like a glimmer of home."
ReplyDeleteWrite On!
I'm definitely intrigued. Love that it has a dark underbelly of "the streets." And I like that subtle magic feels familiar to her (love her name). I'll bow to Bodger on the details but I wanted to read more and I could picture a cool cover. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteSo glad Holly liked this log line. I've printed it out and am studying it as an example to emulate. What's helping me the most in this process, beside Holly's fabulous guidelines, are good models. Well done!
ReplyDelete