Pages

▼

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #18

TITLE: Forever Magic
GENRE: MG Light Fantasy

Eleven-year-old science nerd Elena and her ten-year-old brother Connor discover the boy who is meant to become King Arthur chained in the dungeon of a castle spirited to the present by Merlin’s jealous rival. Knowing their world will be destroyed if history is altered, they travel to the past with Arthur to help him become king, pursued by the evil enchantress intent on stopping them.

at

9 comments:

  1. kristi d.wientgeOctober 7, 2014 at 10:23 AM

    There is a lot going on here. I think if you cut down on the adjectives and stick to one plot line. Also, because this is time travel, I'm wondering how they discovered King Arthur in a castle in present day. What if you left it that Elena and her brother found Arthur and had to travel in time, then state the stakes?

    ReplyDelete
  2. StephanieOctober 7, 2014 at 12:00 PM

    I love the concept of time travel. I think it might be stronger if you cut down on the wordiness and just focus on the main plot line. great job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. trreatOctober 7, 2014 at 1:12 PM

    I like the King Arthur connection but you need to focus more. Do we need to know Elena is a science nerd? You could shorten by saying "younger brother" without Connor's name and age. Focus on finding future King Arthur in a dungeon--we don't need to know he is chained and we can assume the dungeon is in a castle. Jealous rival and evil enchantress are probably the same entity. Just tell us once.

    ReplyDelete
  4. rachelb26October 7, 2014 at 1:31 PM

    King Arthur and Merlin - what can ever be bad? Comments:
    - does Elena need to be a science nerd? Is there 1 word to describe her? And nerd is a little tough - can you think of a word that gives her a little more juice?
    - Where/what time period do Elena and Connor find the would-be king? What is the present?
    - Why would their world be destroyed? I know you don't have much room but can you be more specific? How do they know? And what would be different?

    Sounds like a fun book!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holly BodgerOctober 7, 2014 at 2:52 PM

    Almost everything here up to "help him become king" is the setup and goal, and while it's fine, it's a little long. Try to trim that down and then use the word count to add some more information about the obstacles. It sounds like they need to get him out of this dungeon first and then travel back in time (and do something to make him king), whilst avoiding the enchantress the entire time, but it takes a lot of effort to pull these obstacles out. You want the conflict to be clear and concise here.

    Good luck!
    Holly

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownOctober 7, 2014 at 4:00 PM

    This is truly an interesting concept. I would be eager to see how the history putting the king in his rightful place is accomplished.

    ReplyDelete
  7. JohnCCOctober 7, 2014 at 4:02 PM

    This premise as it stands now is too generic, and doesn't involve a personal goal for Elena. What does she want in her life? What underlying need of hers can be fulfilled by helping King Arthur? I like that she's a science nerd--give us more about who she is and what she wants.

    ReplyDelete
  8. mbrownOctober 7, 2014 at 4:10 PM

    I like that we know a little about your MC and I love the premise. I did have to read the first line a couple of times because of its length. I'd tighten it up a bit, but it sounds like a very clever read.

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownOctober 7, 2014 at 6:52 PM

    I think the premise is great. I like how you explain what's at stake. However, I would make the first sentences into two sentences. The first sentence is a bit too wordy. Otherwise, great job!

    ReplyDelete