TITLE: Window Pain
GENRE: Upper MG Mystery
When thirteen-year-old Smith Johnson breaks into his school, the last thing he expects is to interrupt another break-in. When the same people snatch Smith's favorite teacher, he learns the inner-city cops have good reason not to look into it. As suspicion turns to Smith, he has to find his teacher and clear his name before the kidnappers become killers- twice.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is great. I love a misunderstood, bad-guy hero. I think this would read better if you combined your first two sentences by deleting "when the same people" and add "and snatch..."
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a great set-up! I would just clarify the last sentence a little. I think you mean the kidnappers become suspicious of him, but it sounds like you mean the cops. And I wasn't sure what "twice" meant - did they kill the teacher?
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty clear to me. It makes me wonder why Smith is breaking into his school, but that doesn't need to be answered in the log line. It also makes me wonder why the cops don't want to look into it. The only thing I'm not sure about is whether you're saying that the kidnappers have killed his teacher and they're about to kill him, or if they're going to kill both of them.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteBob says:
Right to the point in the beginning and reveals much of the story. Not sure what the dangling "twice" does for it though. Bob
Other than being confused about the killers-twice phrase, I thought this set things up well. Definitely an intriguing log line!
ReplyDeleteThis is a pretty good summary of the increasing conflict, but it needs a clear goal and it sounds like the only one (find teacher) comes pretty late in the story. If this is his main goal, you need to get to this information sooner. You also need to show the conflict that opposes this goal, rather than creates it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Nice job-I didn't really understand the Twice at the end.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments! I hear ya loud and clear- the "twice" is dead and gone! Holly, thanks for your suggestions. I'll have to think about how to get the info. up sooner...I'm struggling on how to do that without completely deleting the inciting incident...
ReplyDeleteMaybe your second sentence can read:
ReplyDeleteThen the other burglars also snatch Smith's favorite teacher.
Then jump to:
(Whoever's) suspicion turns ... and he has to ...