TITLE: The City of Magi
GENRE: YA Fantasy
In Ancient Persia, 15-year-old Artunis is investigating her father's disappearance and discovers his abduction is part of a plot to kill Cyrus the Great. She joins the king's network of spies to expose the conspiracy and save her dad.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is pretty much spot on. I would, however, be more specific about the enemy. It sounds a little bland as is.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I like this. It sounds interesting. I do feel like we need a little bit more information though. What will happen to her dad and King Cyrus if she doesn't meet her goal? Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds really interesting! I would just add one more element at the end - what stands in her way? "She joins the king's network of spies to expose the conspiracy and save her dad, but ..."
ReplyDeleteI agree that this sounds like an intriguing setting and a story with lots of potential. Although the conflict and stakes are pretty obvious from the context, I also agree that it could be stronger with just a little more detail about exposing the conspiracy and who they're up against -- is there one villain behind it all?
ReplyDeleteBut my biggest issue with this is something that others might consider a minor thing, but which I find quite jarring: the use of the word 'dad' rather than 'father'. Modern terms like that really don't belong in fantasy, especially in fantasy worlds based on historic settings like this one. (The only exception to that is portal fantasy in which the characters who are using those terms actually came from the modern era.)
Concise logline that gets the job done, good job. I'd echo the others and ask for slightly more specific stakes, probably in the closing line. "When she joins..." Or "She joins...but..."
ReplyDeleteThis sounds exciting and the exotic setting is interesting. In this era, is 15 years old considered a grown-up? I mean, can she just sign up to be part of the spy network? Or is it trickier than that? Don't know that you need that detail in the logline, I was just wondering.
ReplyDeleteIt's unclear where this story starts. Does her father's disappearance incite the story or has he been gone for a long time and the story starts when she discovers the conspiracy? If it's the former, her goal is to save him and the conspiracy is an obstacle to her achieving it. In this case, we'd need more information about why it will be difficult to expose the conspiracy and how this will result in him being saved.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I love the setting and idea. I think it would sound more exciting if we know who is plotting to kill Cyrus the Great so we see what she is up against. Fun having her join the king's network of spies, but 'expose the conspiracy and save her dad' sounds a bit dry -- maybe stronger verbs would help or a sense of the risks she's taking.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I think saving a family member is a noble cause...part of me would like her to have a more personal stake in this, however. Something more tangible perhaps. Or a personal risk to herself beyond the obvious.
ReplyDelete