TITLE: Bait & Swish
GENRE: YA Thriller
A curious fifteen-year-old deckhand sneaks out to the spot marked with an X on his sketchy boss's GPS and unearths buried treasure. Collecting a reward for finding the loot would be sweet. But if he tips off police, the buried treasure could link his big brother to an unsolved murder.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds like my kind of read. Nice! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis gives the stakes and enough details to hook me. However, I would leave off the word "sketchy". It does nothing but confuse me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Sounds interesting, but why wouldn't he just keep the buried treasure?
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting! I would read this. I wondered what the treasure was, and why it could be linked to a murder. That might also address Cristin's question about why he doesn't keep it. And is the reward being offered by the police, or by someone else?
ReplyDeleteI really like your title. Comments: Can you find a better adjective than curious? Something with a little more energy. Not sure if you have room here - but is you protagonist the only one who can see the X? Just not sure why his boss wouldn't go for it first. or is it a race?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise - sounds great!
Bob Says: Great Title. I see lots of potential by what I've read to egg me into reading the book. Good Luck. Bob
ReplyDeleteIs his goal here to get money? If so, you need to make it clear that this is what he wants (it would help to have a noble reason for him wanting it!) and then the thing with his brother would be an obstacle to him getting it. Also, try not to water down your stakes. We need to believe this treasure will absolutely ruin his brother. As written, it sounds like there is a chance that it might link him, but we don't know if you mean as a murderer or a witness.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I don't understand your title: I realize it's a play on the old "bait and switch" con game, but I think you need to explain where the "swish" comes in. I expected it to be a character's name.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much to Authoress for this opportunity, and to this community for giving me a boost toward better writing. I appreciate all the comments and encouragement!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds interesting. It seems like a sweet story but I was confused. My main sticking point would be more info. This sounds like a pirate story, maybe in the past, but then you mention GPS to the x marks the spot. Also agree with the sketchy boss comment. I would simplify and sneaks out to the spot marks with the x. I personally like the vagueness of the buried treasure and how it could possibly link his brother to a murder. I am not an expert at these log lines as my own entry shows though! GL!
ReplyDeleteI like this. I love treasure stories anyway. I am a little unsure why he would tip off the police tho...seems if he keeps quiet not only does he get treasure but his brother gets away with murder. Maybe he doesn't like his brother?
ReplyDelete