TITLE: Hybrid Reality
GENRE: YA - Science Fiction Romance
A teenage reality jumper plots to destroy the aliens hiding under Earth’s surface when she discovers the mouth-watering-gorgeous boy haunting her dreams is one of them and the aliens created her to be his mate.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I am definitely intrigued by this premise. I just think the logline could use a little tightening. First, I'm not exactly sure what a "reality jumper" is. Does she go back and forth between dimensions? Two, I think you can delete "gorgeous," from the second line and just keep, "mouth-watering." That says all it needs to say. Put a comma after "them" and before "and."
ReplyDeleteI really like that even though this guy is hunky, she's still going to destroy him. It speaks highly of your MC.
You've managed to pack in a lot of exposition in an admirably small space. Just a few suggestions: I think "mouth-watering-gorgeous" is a little unwieldy with so many other descriptors to deal with - maybe something simpler would be better. I would also include the name of the main character. Also, you might consider including one more sentence elaborating on what she has to do once she realizes who or what she is?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what "reality jumper" entails but I'd be curious to find out. Good luck!
I agree that it's a bit long as is, but definitely intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI thought it read well! Only thing, wouldn't it be "destroy the alients hiding under Earth's surface 'until' she discovers..." rather than 'when' she discovers?
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good start. "reality jumper" made me scratch my head; defining that or using a different descriptor would make that a little less "huh?"
ReplyDeleteFor me "mouth-watering" didn't quite work. Same with "haunting her dreams," which technically works, but it's cliche. Can you take those concepts and write something fresh that uses the voice of your story?
'Reality jumper' implies that this is slipstream, but the premise doesn't support that. What is the underlying need that motivates her goal of destroying the aliens? She wants to destroy them before she finds out they created her, but I don't understand why. And it seems unlikely that destroying the aliens would still be her goal in light of the discoveries about the boy and about her own origin.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict is clear in this one. It reads exactly the way I thought a log line should ... until I started getting involved in this critique.
ReplyDeleteNow I think maybe you really only have part one: what happens/inciting incident/conflict. (When a teenage reality jumper discovers the MWG boy haunting her dreams is one of the aliens she seeks to destroy--) Part two would give us stakes and consequences.
Just one person's opinion. Weigh it with the others you get and decide how YOU want to write it. Good luck--it sounds like a good story.
Whenever you have an inciting incident such as "when she discovers...", you should put this first as it's usually the thing that incites the goal. Once you have the goal (which is destroy the aliens, I think) you should give us more detail about why this will be hard. I'm guessing the boy with the watering mouth is a complication, but you need to make this more clear as it sounds like she wants to kill him and is not at all conflicted about this.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like the idea of this story, but the logline itself is really unwieldy. There's almost too much included, and that makes it difficult to absorb.
ReplyDeleteLove the premise. But, to make things more clear, I'd separate it out into two or three sentences. Really good job!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an intriguing story, and I like the hint of voice in "mouth-watering," but the logline is all set up. At the end, I was left asking, "And then what?" What's her goal? What's stopping her? What happens if she fails? So, overall, a good start that needs an equally strong follow up.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds interesting. I agree that is it one very long sentence. Consider breaking it up.
ReplyDeleteYou get the character and conflict from this sentence but not the consequence. Why does she have to destroy the aliens? They are mouth-watering after all. If you split it up and add a little stakes might read better overall. GL !