TITLE: NURSE!
GENRE: Memoir
A young woman enters nursing school in the early 70's, just as the feminist movement is gaining momentum and changing all the rules. Her nursing career takes her on a forty year journey from New York to Austalia, challenging her both personally and professionally in ways she never expected and introducing her to some of the most intriguing characters who ever entered a hospital.
The young man's limp body is dead weight. His teammates in the pool struggle to hoist him up as two lifeguards reach down to drag him onto the pool deck. He's pale, but breathing normally. The guards seem to have everything under control. Maybe I should at least offer to lend a hand?
"Need any help? I'm a nurse."
"No, we're okay," replies one of the young guards. "The paramedics are on the way."
"How's his pulse?" I ask.
"It's good."
Relieved, I turn away to join my class which is already warming up on the other side of the indoor pool. That's when I hear his breathing change. Turning back, I take a step closer.
I'm wondering if he could be postictal - unresponsive following a seizure. If that's the case, all we need to do is keep his airway open until the paramedics arrive. In the ER where I work, this would be just another routine day. But I'm not in the ER with the support of doctors, my fellow nurses and the high tech equipment I rely on. I'm at my neighborhood rec center, trying to guess why this teenager is unconscious.
Suddenly, the boy's color changes to dusky, faintly blue. I no longer see any rise and fall in his chest.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow, this beginning is great (and considering I'm from the land down under, I especially like the logline, ha).
ReplyDeleteAs a story that spans decades, I wonder if the title suits it? Obviously I'm not the best person to judge considering I've only seen the first page, but it feels like it should have something more wistful (think GONE WITH THE WIND).
Totally personal choice, though. If it doesn't suit you, feel free to ignore me :D
Best of luck!
I like this beginning but I'm not a fan of the title (personal taste, probably). I enjoy the detail, and I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love this opening--I'm definitely hooked! I would for sure read more. About the title...it caught my eye, because I'm a nurse. So in that sense it worked, but something more intriguing would probably appeal to a wider variety of readers.
ReplyDeleteI hope I hear about this story when it finds a home, because I'd love to read the whole thing! :)
I think the title is great. For me it conjures up visions of doctors calling for nurses in an emergency, patients asking for help, etc. Seems perfect based on the first page.
ReplyDeleteImmediately drawn in by the storytelling on page 1! Building tension and stakes in so few words is incredible. Can't wait to read more.
Definite tension is created by a medical professional being caught outside of her normal surroundings, faced with a life or death situation. What could be more critical than trying to save a human life ?
ReplyDeleteStepping back, I'd love to hear of your nursing experiences around the world, as well as how the feminist movement affects your male dominated work place.
Sign me up !
I am intrigued by the premise here, and actually do like the title! For me it evokes patients throughout the years calling for assistance. What didn't work for me here was the nurse turning away from the victim, and the class continuing to warm up on the other side of the pool. People don't mind their business, we're not built that way. If a boy was unconcious, surely a crowd would gather, and a nurse would monitor, at least from a few yards away. The writing and premise would keep me interested, but I need complete believability in a memoir. No one else has brought it up, so it may just be me, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Good luck! You've really got something here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a compelling opening scene. I love the tight writing, the naturalistic dialog, and active movement of this excerpt. I'd love to read more of this writer's memoir.
ReplyDeleteAs the daughter of a nurse who would come to the dinner table with the most interesting (my favorite) and disgusting (my sister's favorite) stories from work, i can only imagine what this book will hold. I really like the style of writing - very relatable, as if the author is telling the story at a dinner party. I think the readers will really connect with her. I'd love to read the whole thing!
ReplyDeleteThe premise is engaging and the opening situation totally believable. My sister became a nurse in the early 70s, when they weren't being treated with the respect they deserve. The character was probably used to being told "go away", and usually by a doctor. I'm totally hooked!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
I love the premise, and how quickly you've built suspense. The medical details are nicely balanced with your thoughts and emotions, and I can't wait to read the rest of your book.
ReplyDeleteReally like the dramatic opening scene...I'd keep reading to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteI too was grabbed by the opening scene and my curiosity would definitely keep me reading. A memoir to anticipate - good luck!
ReplyDeleteAND THEN WHAT?? This is great! Certainly intriguing and full of possibility. The personal writing style makes it easy for someone who has zero experience in the medical field (myself included) to understand and entertaining for a large variety of readers. The fact that this is all true and pulls from actual first hand experiences makes it that much better. Great job!
ReplyDeleteCount me among those who liked the title (it's what drew me to the entry). And I was engaged by the first page and would have read on. The promise of interesting medical stories, coupled with a personal journey that spans a time when women were just coming into their own professionally seems to offer all kinds of grist for what is sure to be a cool story. Good luck in the auction!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this, and what a great subject for a memoir.
ReplyDeleteIn your logline, Aust(r)alia is missing the "r."
I just found one punctuation mistake. Your sixth paragraph, there needs to be a comma before which, unless you change which to that.
The voice is good, the writing is strong. I'd read more. Nice work. :)
Good luck!
Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked this first page. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about memoirs. Don't know what makes one salable. But wanted you to know that I think you have a gripping start here.
ReplyDeleteAs a nurse in my other profession, this reads like an ACLS test scenario to me. The writing is excellent and the premise won me over. But, I'd rather the book started somewhere else. I want to care about the amazing woman I've already been introduced to before the book starts. You bring up so many cool concepts in your pitch. Also, there are way better titles out there.
ReplyDeleteWhen I graduated from nursing school ten years ago, I'd have loved to read something inspiring about the profession. There is value in this idea and the words.