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Friday, November 28, 2014

(54) YA Romance: THE VIRTUE OF SIN

TITLE: The Virtue of Sin
GENRE: YA Romance

When her cult leader forces 16-year-old Miriam into marriage with a stranger, she's faced with an impossible decision: renounce her faith and her family or lose her one true love.

The girls never get a choice. This has always been the way in New Jerusalem, for as long as I've been alive and longer. My father chose my mother, a fact he seldom lets her forget. Now that I am sixteen, tonight it is my turn to be chosen. And though the very thought turns my insides liquid, it’s more from anticipation than fear.

My mother perches beside me on one of the low, hand-carved juniper benches the men have dragged from the Chapel out into the Mojave Desert. Tonight—and tonight only—we are allowed outside the high, concrete walls of the city. She holds out a plate piled with sticky rice, some slices of roast lamb, and a crumbling chunk of bread.

“You need to eat something.” She raises her voice to be heard above the music booming from big speakers into the open air; the same sound system that in less than an hour will be used to announce my future.

The smell of the charred meat churns my stomach. This is a feast compared to our daily meals, but I push it away.

“Ruth is over by the food station with Leah.” She points through the crowd, toward the fire in the distance. “They look as nervous as you. Perhaps more.”

“I’m not nervous.” My best friends are terrified of what tonight will bring. They don’t know who will choose them. But I have no reason to share their fear.

Still, my stomach lurches again as I turn away from my mother’s finger, toward the cave opening in the steep red rocks to our right. I’ve never been inside. Like most of our rituals, the men are free to attend, while the girls go only once, on their wedding night.

32 comments:

  1. Very nice sense of setting, and you've created good suspense with the impending choice. I love all the details the put us right there and the information we get about her life that make us feel the injustice. I'd be interesting in hearing a little more detail when she says, "But I have no reason to share their fear." Great beginning, and I'd love to read more.

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  2. Everyone's beating me to the punch with these comments. I'm very interested in your premise, and I'm pulled in by your writing, but I found myself questioning the same line Carol did. Why doesn't she have a reason to fear? Is her one true love going to be the one to choose her? If so, telling the reader that up front will help increase the shock of the moment when her one true love doesn't save her from marrying a stranger. Regardless, I think the first 250 would be even more compelling than they are now if we knew just a little bit more early on. Here's to a ton of luck in the contest because I'd really love to read the rest of this story!

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  3. Okay, you've got my attention. I definitely want to read more. Great logline and 250. I'm very curious as to why she has no need to be worried.

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  4. Strong world building in such a small passage. I was right there with her. This is a very compelling premise and first page. I think I felt a little of the same questions as Carol and McKenna... but then I realized it was only because I had just read your logline. When I read the logline, I assumed Miriam's true love was not in the cult. After the passage, I now wonder if he is in the cult. These are great questions to have, and build the suspense... and my need to know more. Give me more!!! ;-)

    Best of luck Tuesday!

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  5. This was a really interesting premise, and I'd read more. I can picture the world you are creating and am in.
    My only concern is about your first graph. All the information in it is important and necessary for the reader, but I think you'd hook readers from the first sentence if you start in the scene. I know you sucked me right in when it started! Then, you can weave the info currently in the first paragraph into the scene itself.

    But aside from that I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more when your book is published! Good luck on Tuesday!

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  6. Interesting premise

    I would like to have seen more emotion from the MC. She gives us some background info, but she doesn't really tell us how she feels about anything. She does anticipate her choosing, but we don't know why. I can assume she believes the guy she likes will choose her, but maybe add some visible joy on her part, some excitement. As is, she's stating the facts. It doesn't feel personal.

    When she says she has no reason to share her friends fear, you might have her say why. If it's something she can't tell her Mom, have her say it internally. Get us into her head a bit more.

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  7. You had me at 'cult'. The premise is super intriguing. You do a great job at setting the scene. My only comments are the same as the ones above. We don't really get a sense about her, her feelings and thoughts. And yes, it would be good to know why she's not afraid like her friends.

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  8. I want to read more right now! Very intriguing! I love the concept and the easy-to-follow voice. The comments above mention some good points.

    Excellent job!

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  9. Really solid logline--I'm a sucker for cult stories--and STRONG opening sentence. I will say that the next sentence felt unnecessary, as did that sentence starting, "Now I am sixteen..." We'll get that soon enough, I imagine, and I always STRONGLY dissuade summarizing on a book's first page. I'd go straight from the opening line into "My father chose my mother..." and then simplify to something along the lines of "Now it's my turn."

    I also agree that I'd love more of a sense of who our MC is and what she's thinking. Right now we feel fairly distanced.

    Aside from that I'm really intrigued!

    ~V

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  10. This is amazing. I want to read more! I think you give the perfect amount of information in the few words we see here. Good luck! :)

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  11. Love this. There whole "forced marriage at 16" premise gets old in the dystopian books, but I like that this is a contemporary. The tone is just right, with Miriam seeming to accept the suppressed role of women (although I hope that changes as part of her character arc!). Not much else to say other than beautifully done!

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  12. I'm so intrigued by this! I already want to know more about this cult - what they stand for, what their rituals are, what Miriam's place is among the group... You put lots of great and interesting things into motion in just this short passage!

    I do agree that the first paragraph could be whittled down a bit. It does read like summary, and I wasn't truly pulled in until you got to the in-the-moment descriptions a bit later.

    I did find myself a bit confused about Miriam's emotions in this scene. Though she says she isn't afraid or nervous, the physical descriptions indicate otherwise (her insides feeling like liquid, her stomach lurching, etc). Because there are so many mentions of nausea in the first 250, I'm not sensing that she's calm or excited. If she actually IS nervous (and just lying to herself that she isn't), I wonder if that could be made clearer somehow in the narration. But if she's truly calm and/or excited, I might suggest finding different physical descriptions to convey her feelings.

    This is a compelling start and I would definitely keep reading. Good luck!

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  13. I need more of this. Now.

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  14. I would love to read this book! The voice is great and it promises to weave together really interesting themes about fundamentalist religion and gender roles. Great job!

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  15. "Tonight it is my turn to be chosen." I was very drawn in by your premise and most definitely wanted to read on. I would suggest pushing even deeper into her point of view. I think readers can't help but to place themselves in this high stakes moment, so the stronger her voice, the less the reader will project emotionally on to the character. Good luck!

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  16. I thought this was very compelling. I also was intrigued by her lack of fear and assumed that her love interest is in the cult. I personally like to be kept guessing, so I was not bothered by not knowing more at this early stage. I would like to read more.

    Best of luck with this!

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  17. I’m also very intrigued, and your title is really compelling! Your voice is so easy to follow--it sucked me right into the story. I’m hooked and would definitely read on!

    Best of luck in the contest!!

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  18. I love the premise, the writing is great, and I would definitely ask for a partial if sent to our submissions inbox.

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  19. Hi
    I'm your tweet diva for the contest.
    Good Luck!

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  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  21. Tamar Rydzinski is a monster.

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  22. CLOSED! Full goes to Tamar Rydzinski.

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  23. I didn't even get to bid on this one. Vicious bunch!

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  24. totally missed out on this one--congrats to Tamar!

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