THE RULES:
- Enter your masterpiece IN THE COMMENT BOX BELOW.
- Absolutely no emails, please. Comment box only. (In other words, if you're subscribed to this blog via email, you MAY NOT hit reply and email your lyrics. Alison will not see them if you do that.)
- Please do not enter more than TWO masterpieces.
- Please use a screen name by which you will be EASILY IDENTIFIABLE.
- Lewd entries will be deleted. But you wouldn't do that, anyway.
- Your masterpiece should be an ORIGINAL set of lyrics that go along with a CHRISTMAS CAROL OR SONG or a CHANUKAH SONG. Make sure your theme is writing- or publishing-related. Please include the TITLE of the holiday tune so that we can all sing along.
How do you know if song lyrics are good? SING THEM! If they fit naturally with the melody, with the correct syllables accented and decent rhymes, you've got a winner. If you feel like you're stumbling through or have to force the words to fit the music, then not so much. So pick your favorites, and see how they line up with Alison's.
Have fun!
I've been waiting a week to post this!
ReplyDeleteThe carol is an old French one - Un Flambeau, Jeannette, Isabelle - or, in English:
Bring a Torch, Jeannette, Isabella
You can listen to a beautiful rendition of it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlyuWCKrmW4
Bring a Torch, Snark Called to her Minions
Bring a torch! Snark called to her minions;
Bring a torch, to the slush pile run!
This is Friday, good folk of the city;
Queries have piled, martinis are calling.
Ah! Ah! Beautiful is the fire!
Ah! Ah! Beautiful are the flames!
What is that? Could it be my email?
What is that? Could it be my phone?
"Answer please, oh blessed Dear Agent;
I have a book, you're going to love it!"
Tap! Tap! Delete the email!
Tap! Tap! Silence the blessed phone!
It is wrong when you query 'Dear Agent';
It is wrong when you query at night.
Silence, now, as we drink our martinis,
Lest your query should ruin our evening.
Hush! Hush! Stop that incessant email!
Hush! Hush! Don't nudge me ever again!
Softly now, back into the office;
Softly now, it's Monday again.
Look and see how the queries have stacked up.
Look at them there, so patiently waiting.
Ah! Ah! Friday will come soon!
Ah! Ah! Your query will burn so bright!
We Wish You a Merry Query
ReplyDelete(We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
We wish you a merry query
We wish you a merry query
We wish you a merry query
And a happy contract.
Good stories you write
And hope you can sell.
We wish you a merry query
And a happy contract.
First make sure that you revise it
First make sure that you revise it
First make sure that you revise it
And don’t get side tracked.
Don’t query until it’s just right
Don’t query until it’s just right
Don’t query until it’s just right
Or we can’t transact.
We don’t like to send rejections
We don’t like to send rejections
We don’t like to send rejections
And that is a fact.
Good Stories you write
And hope you can sell.
We wish you a merry query
And a happy contract.
We wish you a merry query
We wish you a merry query
We wish you a merry query
And a happy contract.
Oh Hell
ReplyDelete(The First Noel)
The first query the agent did say
Was quite certain to flop. “Can’t sell it. No way!”
And the next was way too long. “Almost put me to sleep.
Why can’t I find a good one that I want to keep?
Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell, oh hell
Please give me something that I want to sell.”
But the next query in line wasn’t quite up to par,
And the next few were awful. “Much worse by far.”
The rejections were sent out. It was late in the night.
Not a query was working. “Not one is just right.
Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell, oh hell
Please give me something that I want to sell.”
Almost ready to give up; “Think I’ll read just one more.”
And the agent found something that made her heart soar.
The request was sent right out, and the manuscript came.
It was all that she’d hoped for and fanned the flame.
“Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell, oh hell
Now I have something that I want to sell.”
So, the phone call was arranged. Conversation was great,
And an offer was made—and then came the wait.
The next thing the agent heard was this polite decline,
“With a different agent I’m going to sign.”
“Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell, oh hell
That was the story I wanted to sell.”
Back to the inbox; looking for something new.
There were so many queries that needed review.
None of them were worth the time. More rejections were sent.
And on, and on, and on it went.
“Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell, oh hell
Please give me something that I want to sell.”
AN AGENT’S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
ReplyDeleteOn the first day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
A post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the second day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Two memoirs
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the third day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the fourth day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the sixth day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the seventh day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Seven cozy murders,
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the eighth day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Seven cozy murders,
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the ninth day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Nine legal thrillers,
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Seven cozy murders,
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the tenth day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Ten Western romance,
Nine legal thrillers,
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Seven cozy murders,
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My in-box held for me:
Eleven paranormals,
Ten Western romance,
Nine legal thrillers,
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Seven cozy murders,
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my in-box held for me:
Twelve books-for-dummies,
Eleven paranormals,
Ten Western romance,
Nine legal thrillers,
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!
Seven cozy murders,
Six family sagas,
FIVE GRAPHIC NOVELS!
Four picture books,
Three time travel,
Two memoirs,
And a post-apocalyptic fantasy.
LET WORDS FLOW! (To the tune of “Let It Snow!”)
ReplyDeleteOh, the rough draft I wrote is frightful
But revising’s so delightful
My dream needs a place to go
Let words flow! Let words flow! Let words flow!
My queries have been rejected
But that’s to be expected
I can’t be stopped by some “no’s”
Let words flow! Let words flow! Let words flow!
When I finally get that deal
I will sign on the line with a kiss
I can’t wait till the big reveal
Holding my book will be bliss!
Got new plots that I’m devising
And, my gosh, I’m STILL revising
I’ll be writing until I croak
Let words flow! Let words flow! Let words flow!
Let words flow! Let words flow! Let words flow!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRudolph The Red-Nosed-Reindeer (starting with “You know Dasher and Dancer…”)
ReplyDeleteAxe passive, cut filters, trim “just” and “finally”,
Slash “this”, “that”, and kill those words ending with ‘-ing’.
But do you recall
The most hated “bad” words of all?
Adverbs, the dreaded -ly words
Have a little telly sting
Cut them from your novel
Then watch the story really zing!
Sometimes adverbs are telly
And considered extra fluff,
Are they really needed?
Can you replace them with other stuff?
So you go on an adverb search and quickly you’re dismayed -
Those stinkin’ little -ly words are jumping out from every page!
But you crazily slice and dice them, frowning quite creepily
Query Time, Oh Query Time
ReplyDelete(sung to Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah)
Query time, oh query time, come write your best letter
Ask your crit partners to help make it better.
Gather all your conflicts and characters too,
Don’t forget your hook and a section ‘bout you.
And when the rejections do injure and bring you down low
Send it again, you know that you can
It takes only one, this you know
Send it again, you know that you can
It takes only one, this you know.
Your Book Divine
ReplyDelete(sung to Oh, Holy Night)
Oh hopeful night! Your book’s out on submission.
It is the time of your fears and your dreams.
Send it again, to all the major houses
Until someone turns the page and feels it’s worth
A thrill of hope, writer set to dancing
For this is the chance, you’ve waited for so long.
Fall on your knees! Acquisitions says they’re passing
Oh fate unkind, oh fate you must be gone.
Oh fate unkind, oh fate, oh fate unkind.
Passes from some, though they say that you’ve got talent.
It’s all a lie, you’re a fraud and should quit.
But then there’s one, who says she really loves it.
The hope you quashed finds its way back inside.
She sends it up, you cross your fingers tightly.
Your agent says, an offer just for you!
Fall on your knees! And cease your ugly crying.
Your book divine, your book, it is your time.
Your book divine! Your book, your book divine!
It took me ages to find an instrumental version of this Vaughan Williams (UK version) of this carol so you can sing along! If you sing to the US version it only works until line 5. I didn't know there were two versions...sorry!
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/7S39c0BJzi8
O Little Town of Agentland
(O Little Town of Bethlehem)
O Little Town of Agentland,
How sweet I see thee lie,
Above your rich and dream-filled sleep,
My manuscript flies by.
And in the morning your heart will sing,
When you click on my mail,
Compelling voice, with stakes so high,
I’ll set your hopes a’ sail.
I hook you with my grabby start,
Your laser eyes are keen,
And when you stop at chapter three,
No adverbs have you seen.
All show, no tell, or passive tense,
Your fingers twitch with glee,
“Your premise shines, please send the full.”
And so I send to thee.
How hopefully, how hopefully,
This manuscript is given.
So I implore your human heart,
To see this piece of heaven.
Yet as I hit refresh each hour,
Truth grips me with both hands.
“Six months have passed, so take the hint—
I hope you’ve other plans.”
O Holy One of Agentland,
Descend on me, I pray,
Cast out my fear and enter in,
Be born to me today.
Do my eyes betray me?—For a message doth appear.
O, Keeper of the Key,
My heart stings with a thousand pins,
“I’ll pass, it’s not for me.”
By Mel Stephenson
Writer's Block
ReplyDelete(to the melody of Silent Night)
Writer’s block, what a shock!
All was good, now I balk
Deadlines to meet, contests to do
All shall be ruined and I rue
Just one last page to write!
I will be up all night.
Writer’s block, what a shock!
Now I stare at the clock
Inspiration, please come to me
I’m trying quite desperately
Just one last page to write!
Here in the moonlight
Writer’s block, what a shock!
How I hate mental blocks
Searching the room I find a spark
I charge on through like Joan of Arc
The last page I did write!
As night breaks to daylight.
Loving these!
ReplyDeleteO Rest Ye Many NaNo-Ers
(God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
O rest ye many NaNo-ers
Exhaustion now holds sway
You’ve written many words
But now November’s gone away
Your mind is fried; Your body’s tired
Now rest yourself you may
O your bed calls and beckons you to sleep
Dreamless and deep
O your bed calls and beckons you to sleep
November 1st began the task
Of fifty thousand words
You settled in to write each day
Ignored each doubt you heard
You blocked your inner editor
That called each scene a turd
You kept pushing through every writer’s block
Knowing you rock
You kept pushing through every writer’s block
The quest began with giddiness
The story flowing well
And then you hit the middle part
And tears began to swell
The plot developed giant holes
The end you could not tell
Your MC started acting on her own
Changing the tone
Your MC started acting on his own
You started running out of words
And running out of days
Did word sprints, write-ins, anything
To get you to that place
A purple bar of victory
Your house filled with Hoorays
And you smile as you finally drift to sleep
Revising will keep
So you smile as you finally drift to sleep
To the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (singing with a twang helps)by Lisa and Madi Pais
ReplyDeleteMy agent got run over by a reindeer
That explains why I never got that call
To tell me that my book is being published
Available on Amazon next fall
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog
That’s the way these parties go
Doing shots with famous authors
Like EL James or the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe
Heard there’d been an office party
To celebrate her greatest sale
But thanks to that stupid red nosed reindeer
I won’t collect a big check in the mail
My agent got run over by a reindeer
That explains why I never got that call
To tell me that my book is being published
Available on Amazon next fall
I had dreams of my best seller
In a biddin’ war amongst Big 5
Just like the Hunger Games arena
Now I only hope that she is still alive
Writing books is truly hard
Queries letters even worse
Pitching agents at a conference
Who knew mine would end up in a hearse
How much stranger could her death be?
Weirder than science fiction or fantasy
Got myself a brand new agent
But I’ll always miss the gal who first believed in me!
WHITE CHRISTMAS (Lisa Pais)
I’m dreaming of the right contract
Just like the ones big time authors get, I know
Where the agent’s mission
Is sell for a big commission
And clear a deal for a motion picture show
I’m dreaming of a fat contract
With every novel that I write
May your heroes be brave and win the fight
And may all your heroines delight
Here is my writer's version of "Jingle Bells" (lyrics at http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/christmas_songs/jingle_bells.html):
ReplyDeleteDashing through the words
On a newly open doc,
Over the keys I go
So many things amok.
Cell on tabletop rings,
Ignoring it I sigh,
What fun it is to write a sin-
gin' manuscript tonight!
Delete this, Delete there,
Change it all the way.
Oh! what fun it is to write
On another open page.
Typin' here, typin' there,
Typin' all the way.
Oh! what fun it is to write
On another open page.
A day plus two ago,
I thought I'd swallow pride.
Nowhere my trusty muse,
Was seated by my side.
The story lean and lank,
To be trunked seemed its lot.
I got stuck and my mood sank,
And nothing seemed upshot.
A month or two ago,
The story I need'd tell
I typed faster than slow,
'Fore in a slump I fell.
No words came zooming by
On the empty open page,
My muse taken for a lie,
Scenes quickly died away.
Now the page is white
And the night is young,
Put the words in sight
and hum this writin' song.
Just get a cup of tea,
No more block to fend,
My muse shines just for me,
And smack! I'll type the end.
Editing, Editing (To the tune of “Caroling, Caroling”)
ReplyDeleteEditing, editing here we go,
Deadlines are a-looming!
Editing, editing, I’m so slow,
Deadlines are a-looming!
Wordcount’s high; darlings must die!
Tear my hair out, groan and sigh!
De-lete, de-lete,
Deadlines are a looming!
Editing, editing, almost through,
Deadlines are a-looming!
Editing, editing now it’s due,
Deadlines are a-looming!
Plot hole? Ack! How’d that get there?
Choc’late binge; pull out more hair!
Re-vise! Re-vise! Deadlines are a-looming!
Did You Read What I Wrote? (To the tune of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”)
ReplyDeleteSaid the writer to her agent friend,
Did you read what I wrote? (Did you read what I wrote?)
A brand new book, on sub let us send!
Did you read what I wrote? (Did you read what I wrote?)
A book, a book, with a killer hook,
Won’t you please just go take a look?
Won’t you please just go take a look?
Said the agent to her writer friend,
Yes, I read what you wrote! (Yes, I read what you wrote!)
A huge plot hole, gaping near the end.
Yes, I read what you wrote! (Yes, I read what you wrote!)
A hole, a hole, gaping in the plot-
Can we sub this book? We cannot!
Can we sub this book? We cannot!
So You Want To Land An Agent
ReplyDelete(To the tune of: Do You Want To Build A Snowman)
So you want to land an agent?
This will be fun; you should start today.
First you need to write a query.
Wait, what’s that you say?
Oh, a query’s just a letter.
Boil down your plot,
Add some stakes, plenty of voice,
And now you’re ready to play.
*Flinches*
I know it’s not a game.
Of course it’s not a game.
Your query just needs a little work.
Maybe your manuscript… needs the same.
*Ducks*
You don’t have to be so hostile.
So what if you didn’t get any requests.
It’s not the end of the world, you know.
You could win one of those contests.
Oh, you didn’t.
Sorry to hear that.
Do you really need an agent?
It doesn’t have to be an agent.
How about a small press?
What’s that?
*cringes*
Oh dear, I’ll just go away.
I've Been Watching My Email All Day
ReplyDelete(I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
I've been watching my email all day
For responses to those fulls I sent.
I haven't heard a peep
It's been almost three weeks!
I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to fall asleep!
I've been watching my email all night
I think that I'm about to lose my mind.
Oh, tell me what have I done
The torture's only begun,
I wanna hear back from them all right now!
(Good news, of course!)
Now, another week has come and gone
I've been staring at the computer for a month.
I think I might be sick.
Oh, yeah, it's made me sick!
I've only eaten chocolate and my neck is full of cricks.
I've been watching my email so long,
It's getting uncomfortable under my stares!
Wait! Query Tracker says not to fret,
The average response time hasn't been met.
Yes! Maybe I will snag an agent just yet!
Wow, so many good one so far!
ReplyDelete[To the tune of Hannukah, Hannukah. For those who are unfamiliar: http://youtu.be/NBxtArQX7ic?t=36s or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwTq-MEDXGI ]
Dear readers, romance fans
Dear readers, romance fans, won’t you read my book?
It’s brand new, just released, for kindle and nook!
Share some laughs, spill some tears, then leave a review —
Lend it to your good friends, so they’ll love it too!
Dear readers, romance fans, I have spent so long
Polishing this novel — now it’s nice and strong.
Buy yours now, so that I could maybe afford
Some coffee, a pastry, or a scrabble board!
Dear readers, romance fans, while you read away,
Writing here, in my den, that is where I’ll stay.
Working on my next book—I hope you’ll want more
And my books will fly off the shelves in the store!
Dear readers, romance fans, the Amazon rank
Or the bestseller lists, if I may be frank,
They don’t count, not as much, as what you all say
Compliments on my book, well, they make my day!
And take two...
ReplyDelete[To the tune of: I Have a Little Dreidel ]
I Wrote the Next Bestseller
I wrote the next bestseller, you must read it today.
It’s my first novel ever. I’m sending it your way!
Oh agent, agent, agent, here is my masterpiece —
The manuscript is attached, so read it won’t you please.
I wrote it during NaNo, kept typing every day
It doesn’t need no edits, so read it—don’t delay!
Oh agent, agent, agent, you’ll love my masterpiece
So say all those who’ve read it: my mother and my niece!
You have to read the whole thing—there’s no stopping halfway!
I’ve learned to be persistent, so I won’t go away.
Oh agent, agent, agent, won’t you email me back?
We need to discuss book deals, and our plan of attack!
It’s been a couple weeks now, beside the phone I stay
No matter what you tell me, I still won’t go away.
Oh agent, agent, agent, I’m sure you’ll call me soon,
Working with me’s so easy, you’ll be over the moon!
Let it Flow
ReplyDelete(to the tune of "Let it Snow")
First drafts are oh so dreadful,
But our concepts are so marketable
The characters are all so-so,
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!
The revisions are going quickly,
The caffeine is flowing thickly
Tell all the clichés, “No no!”
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!
When the manuscript finally shines,
How we’ll hate saying, “Yes, it’s the end.”
But if we double-check all the lines,
We can find hope once again!
The query is oh so plucky,
And the synopsis not that sucky
To the trenches we now must go,
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!
Whirlwind of the Writer
ReplyDelete(to the tune of Carol of the Bells)
Straight from a peer,
Critique is here:
Take out that dream
Leave in the scream
What are her goals
Fill those plot holes
Show me don't tell
This part works well
Right, Wrong, Right, Wrong,
Weak, Strong, Weak, Strong
Lose filler words
Action's absurd
Try raising stakes
How 'bout some snakes?
Fix it and then
Submit again...
Character sags
Backstory lags
Conflict is strong
Leave in the song
Push to the edge
Show me the ledge
Not enough fear
Word echoes here
Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Revise
Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Revise
Tight point of view
This typo's new
Where is the voice
That's poor word choice
Fresh set of eyes
still no one buys...
Weak, Strong, Weak, Strong,
Strong!
"The Twelve Months of Queries" (To the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")
ReplyDeleteOn my first month of queries, one agent said to me:
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my second month of queries, two agents said to me:
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my third month of queries, three agents said to me:
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my fourth month of queries, four agents said to me:
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my fifth month of queries, five agents said to me:
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my sixth month of queries, six agents said to me:
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my seventh month of queries, seven agents said to me.
I’d love to see a partial.
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my eighth month of queries, eight agents said to me:
Can you send the full?
I’d love to see a partial.
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my ninth month of queries, nine agents said to me.
I’ll be in touch.
Can you send the full?
I’d love to see a partial.
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my tenth month of queries, ten agents said to me:
Unfortunately I’m passing.
I’ll be in touch.
Can you send the full?
I’d love to see a partial.
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my eleventh month of queries, eleven agents said to me:
I’d like to chat tomorrow.
Unfortunately I’m passing.
I’ll be in touch.
Can you send the full?
I’d love to see a partial.
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
On my twelfth month of queries, twelve agents said to me:
I’d love to represent you!
I’d like to chat tomorrow.
Unfortunately I’m passing.
I’ll be in touch.
Can you send the full?
I’d love to see a partial.
What else have you written?
THIS ISN’T QUITE READY!
Please know your genre!
Revise, resend.
Absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry, this just isn’t for me.
[to the tune of: “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”)
ReplyDeleteALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A TWO-BOOK DEAL
All I want for Christmas
Is a two-book deal
A two-book deal
Just a two-book deal.
Gee, if I could only have
A two-book deal
Then I could have a merry Christmas.
It seems so long since I could say,
“My savings account isn’t abysmal.”
Gosh, oh gee
How happy I’d be
If I got paid even a dribble!
All I want for Christmas
Is a two-book deal
A two-book deal
Just a two-book deal.
Gee, if I could only have a two-book deal
Then I could GIVE more gifts this Christmas!
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
ReplyDeleteYou better write fast
You better not stall
Have a great cast
I'm telling you all
Agent Claus is watching for you
She's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who's queried her twice
Agent Claus is watching for you
She sees you when you're working
She knows when you take breaks
She knows if you write bad or good
So write good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
She sees it on Twitter
And you're gonna die
Agent Claus is watching for you
Agent Claus is watching for you
GIGGLING MUSE
ReplyDelete(Jingle Bells)
Dashing through our brain
In a one ding-a-ling voice
O’ver my hand she goes
Laughing all the way
Ideas on magic ring
Making sentences bright
What fun it is to tell and tell
A witching tale tonight
Oh, giggling Muse, giggling Muse
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to write
key words in a keyway
giggling Muse, giggling Muse
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to write
On an open inky pad
A year or two ago
tidyin’ up à gogo
And a Misses Muse arrived
Was seated by my side
The voice was bewitching
Misfortunes happening
We found a grabbing hook
And then we got on route
Oh, giggling Muse, giggling Muse
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to write
key words in a keyway
giggling Muse, giggling Muse
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to write
On an open inky pad
TWITTER PARTIES ROCK
ReplyDelete(Jingle Bell Rock)
Pitches parties are on the run
Hit me with yours, one of a kind
Oh, do be a peach
And favorite me
Now the queries are on the run!
Pitches parties are on the rock
Gobble this one, straight up the hatch
Dancing and prancing words on the go
Browsing is in the air
What a bright time, it's the right time
To rock the night away
Fast food are on the Twitter tray
Ready for grab, chewing and perusing
Retweets are well on the swell rise
Reading around the clock
Mix the stakes and villains rock
Get your hot twitter voice….
Please Say Goodnight by Gifford MacShane
ReplyDeleteSung to the tune of “All Through the Night”
Not familiar with this Welsh carol? Here’s the Kingston Trio’s version of the original. Obviously recorded from vinyl, so the quality is poor, but the harmonies are delicious!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaiy6V7h8-E
Midnight now, my head is hanging,
Time to say goodnight.
Voices in my head, stop clanging,
It’s time to say goodnight.
I know there are chapters waiting,
Characters anticipating.
I don’t need your conversating,
Please say goodnight.
Heroes have good deeds to do,
But please say goodnight.
Villains will do evil, too,
But please say goodnight.
Demoiselle is left in peril,
Terrified of all things feral,
I don’t really mean to querul,
But please say goodnight.
Night is gone, the dawn is breaking,
PLEASE say goodnight.
My eyes are fried, my hands are shaking,
PLEASE say goodnight.
If I don’t sleep I will perish,
And your story none will cherish.
Voices, please, it may sound churlish
But PLEASE SAY GOODNIGHT!!!
The Five days of Querying, Because Us Writers are Too Busy with Book Tours, Oprah and Writing To Sing All Twelve.
ReplyDelete*************************************
On the first day of Christmas my mailman gave to me, a rejection from my favorite agency.
On the second day of Christmas my mailman gave to me, two unopened queries and a rejection from my favorite agency.
On the third day of Christmas my mailman gave to me, three returned synopses, two unopened queries and a rejection from my favorite agency.
On the fourth day of Christmas my mailman gave to me, four friends’ new novels, three returned synopses, two unopened queries and a rejection from my favorite agency.
On the fifth day of Christmas my mailman gave to me, five offers to self-publish. . . . .four friends’ new novels, three returned synopses, two unopened queries and a rejection from my favorite agency!
ReplyDeleteLET ME KNOW (Let It Snow)
Oh my hopes were high back in August
And my eyes were filled with stardust.
As I polished, the words did flow.
Does it glow, does it glow, does it glow?
The agent I met impressed me.
I was sure he’d love my MG.
But then it was time to go.
Does he know, does he know, does he know?
When I finally sent it out,
I was sure I’d hear right away.
But soon I was filled with doubt
When no answer came my way!
So, if you’re reading this online,
And come across that novel of mine,
Give it a read it while it snows,
And let me know, let me know, let me know.
Would you please just give it a look?
I spent hours on that hook.
I’d really love to know.
Let me know, let me know, let me know.
“Acquisitions” sung to Good King Wenceslas
ReplyDeleteBy Gayle C. Krause
Senior editors looked down
at the acquisition.
All but one wore a big frown.
She’s a word magician.
Cutting adverbs from the tags.
Slicing terms not needed.
Circling gerunds as red flags
Strong verb choices, seeded.
Change the type on jacket flaps.
Catch the reader’s eyes.
Author’s name in all small caps—
--Newbery surprise.
Send the contract. Have them sign.
Choose a layout artist.
Find a fresh cover design.
This book is the smartest.
Marketing says we can’t lose.
Pitch line is exquisite.
Call the author with the news.
Ask her for a visit.
Revisions worked. Like the hook!
Ending satisfies.
Have author write second book
Her star’s on the rise.
The Most Horrible Time of the Year
ReplyDelete(The Most Wonderful Time of the Year)
It’s the most horrible time of the year
With their inboxes filling, still no agent’s willing
To launch your career
It’s the most horrible time of the year.
It’s the most nerve-wracking season of all
When your query’s critiqued and
Your plot’s not unique and your characters fall
It’s the most nerve-wracking season of all
There’ll be guidelines for reading
Redlines leave you bleeding
And questioning your novel’s worth.
There’ll be rewriting sessions
And blog-hopping lessons
For cutting your o’er-wordy girth
It’s the most horrible time of the year
With their inboxes filling, still no agent’s willing
To launch your career
It’s the most horrible time of the year.
(I’m Gonna Stick My) Head into the Sand
ReplyDelete(Winter Wonderland)
By Sue Fliess
My hands wring, at revision.
I don’t see my editor’s vision.
My story is slight,
A total rewrite.
I’m gonna stick my head into the sand.
Deadlines loom, I am sweating.
All my skills, I’m forgetting.
My ending is weak,
My characters, bleak.
Nothing’s turning out as I had planned.
In the margins I can see her edits.
Things like “Done before” and “Too cliché.”
She says “Can you fix this?”
I say, “All right.”
And then I cry into my Cabernet.
Gone away is my sanity.
Every thought is profanity.
My cheeks are all flushed.
My ego is crushed.
I’m gonna stick my head into the sand.
In the margins I can see her edits.
Things like “Done before” and “Too cliché.”
She says “Can you fix this?”
I say, “All right.”
And then I polish off the Cabernet.
I request an extension
So I can give the story tension
But panic sets in
My plot is too thin
I’m gonna stick my head into the sand.
“The Little Writer Boy”
ReplyDelete(to the tune of “The Little Drummer Boy”)
Come they told me
Parum pum pum pum
A new agent to see,
Parum pum pum pum
Your book’s first page to bring
Parum pum pum pum
To learn if your words sing,
Parum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
So to get feedback
Parum pum pum pum
On what you’ve done.
Wisest agent,
Parum pum pum pum
I am a poor writer.
Parum pum pum pum
I’ve but one book to bring
Parum pum pum pum
That’s fit for publishing.
Parum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Shall I read to you
Parum pum pum pum
With aplomb?
The agent nodded.
Parum pum pum pum
Her tapping pen kept time.
Parum pum pum pum
I read my page for her.
Parum pum pum pum
I read my best for her.
Parum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Then she shrugged at me
Parum pum pum pum
And said, “It’s ho-hum.”
(echoes) “The plotline is glum.”
“Emotions were numb.”
“They just ate dim sum.”
“I’ll throw you a crumb:”
“It’s better than some.”
“Maybe It’s Gold Inside”
ReplyDelete(based on “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”)
I really can’t pay.
(But maybe it’s gold inside.)
Oh I gotta say nay.
(My book’s gold inside.)
This submission has been
(Been hoping that you’d buy in.)
So very strange.
(I’ll fix what you say I should change.)
Our accountants would start to worry.
(Hey editor, you’d better hurry.)
The sales team would be pacing the floor.
(Can’t you hear those critics roar?)
So really would it fit my list?
(Don’t let this unique chance be missed.)
Or maybe I should read a bit more.
(Oh put your hands on chapter four.)
The readers might think . . .
(Yeah, but it’s explained in there.)
Hey, I don’t get this link.
(It all makes sense in there.)
I wish I knew how
(Your eyes see awards coming now.)
To break this spell.
(I’ll work like nuts so it will sell.)
I want to say no, no, no, sir.
(You want to read a little bit closer.)
At least I’m going to say that I tried.
(I long ago lost all of my pride.)
I really can’t pay,
(Don’t hold out.)
But maybe it’s gold inside.
I’m liking the flow.
(Maybe it’s gold inside.)
The answer was no.
(But maybe it’s gold inside.)
The writing has been
(Please love the tale I spin.)
Far past the norm.
(Just look at the climax, a genius brainstorm.)
My boss will be suspicious.
(Gosh, you can grant my wishes.)
My intern will think it’s a score.
(Like classic bestsellers of yore.)
Acquisitions meetings are vicious.
(Please fulfill all my wishes.)
Maybe just a few chapters more.
(You know this is a book you adore.)
Oh I’ve got to stop here.
(But then you’ll regret it out there.)
Here’s what I fear:
(My book will do great out there.)
Will it go as planned?
(There will be Rowling-like demand.)
But don’t you see
(How can you say no way to me?)
They’ll ask about sequels tomorrow?
(Well, there are lots of ideas to borrow)
At least they’ll be a series implied.
(From books whose authors have died.)
I really can’t pay.
(Get over that doubt.)
Maybe it’s gold inside.
The Little Writer Girl
ReplyDelete(The Little Drummer Boy)
Write, they told me
We promise it’s fun.
Each shiny new idea
We promise it’s fun
You’ll guide their destiny
We promise it’s fun.
Like you’re a deity
We promise it’s fun
Promise it’s fun
Promise it’s fun
I believed in them
Their promise of fun
So I’ve begun
Wrote a hot guy
Now isn’t this fun
A sassy female lead
Now isn’t this fun
A perfect villain too
Now isn’t this fun
There’s so much more to do
Now isn’t this fun
Isn’t this fun
Isn’t this fun
Wait, that plot fell through
That wasn’t so fun
What have I done?
Now revisions
How can this be fun?
This dialogue is bad
How can this be fun?
Why did she have to die?
How can this be fun?
There is no end in sight
How can this be fun?
Can this be fun?
Maybe I’m done
Wait, I see the light
I get why it’s fun
It’s second to none
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDitch The Calls
ReplyDelete(Deck the Halls)
Ditch the calls, they're full of BS
Yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea
Stupid marketers filling my head with mess
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
So don't want your lame subscriptions
No No No No No No No No No
Hang up before I'm filled with conniption
Shoo Shoo Shoo Shoo Shoo Shoo Shoo Shoo Click
Agents inform me as soon as possible
Respond Respond Respond Respond 'spond 'spond
In order to beat my writing obstacle
Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Help Me
Do not make me stalk you on Twitter
Cause I will will will will will will will
Until you give feedback on my MS
Sucks to be you you you you you
Now I've become a freaking glutton
Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom
And I think I broke the refresh button
Yup Yup Yup...oh wait it still does work
Inbox message puts me out of my misery
Hurrah Hurrah Hurrah Hurrah 'rah 'rah
And now their thoughts are no longer a mystery
Crap Crap Crap Crap Crap What have I done?
To the tune of Happy XMas (War is Over)
ReplyDeleteSo this is writing
What shall I write now?
The next great bestseller
If I only knew how
And so this is writing
I hope it's not trite
I've way too much back story
Guess I'll have to rewrite
A very wary adverb
Suddenly gets marked out
Let's hope it reads better
Could there be any doubt?
And so happy writing
Pound the desk with my fist
I've got no motivation
For my antagonist
A very wary query
I hope it will sell
Masterpiece or disaster
It's the best tale I could tell
Writing's over
If I let it
Never over
Write
THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED.
ReplyDeleteOn Writing Day
ReplyDelete(to the tune of "I Saw Three Ships" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-l5bUgETaic)
I heard three ghosts come wailing in
I typed away, I typed away.
I heard three ghosts come wailing in
On Writing Day in the morning.
And just who were those ghosts all three,
On Writing Day, on Writing Day?
Who were the ghosts did visit me,
Before I had coffee that morning?
The Merry Muse and Critic were there,
On Writing Day, on Writing Day;
Merry Muse, Critic, and Self-Doubt, too,
On Writing Day in the morning.
Pray, do tell, what ghosts did wail,
On Writing Day, on Writing Day;
Pray, do tell, what ghosts did wail,
On Writing Day in the morning?
O they wailed: “Please, write!” “No, stop!”
On Writing Day, on Writing Day;
O they wailed: “You’re great, you suck”
On Writing Day in the morning,
All the Muses from Heaven shall sing
On Writing Day, on Writing Day;
And all the critics and doubts shall ring,
On Writing Day in the morning.
And all rejections received shall sting,
On Writing Day, on Writing Day;
And all rejections received shall sting,
On Writing day in the morning.
But maybe one day I’ll fill a need
Through Writing Day, through Writing Day
And my words the masses will read
Some Writing Day in the Morning
Then I’ll just begin again
On Writing Day, on Writing Day
Pour some coffee, and type some more.
And Rejoice for Writing Morning.
Merry Christmas everyone.Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh Read more....
ReplyDelete