TITLE: My Dog Jeeves
GENRE: MG Fiction
Few call me brave, but none call me foolhardy; a Wooster knows his limits.
When the final bell rang and the old man was not at his post, I knew I’d have to try a new tactic. Instead of dashing out the front door at 2:19, like I did every other day, I lingered at my locker. Could I do it? Could I really slip past them?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I can hear your MG voice, which is great, but I don't have a strong sense of what is going on here. Maybe you could be more specific. Your MC says he/she is going to try a "new tactic." A new tactic for what? I would guess maybe s/he's sneaking into somewhere, but that doesn't really match up with the old man not being at his post. Clear up what is going on, and I think you could nail the voice and have a great opening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your attention and good wishes.
DeleteI enjoyed this opening. It has a self-deprecating humor, holds a tiny thrill of suspense for what worries the boy (I assume) and nicely sets up the escape or the humiliating capture of the MC.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like fun. I read it from a dog's perspective--except the title tells me the dog is named Jeeves, who wouldn't be the Wooster referred to in the first paragraph. (Not that an MG audience would know that!) It threw me that the dog would have a locker, so maybe this is the boy's perspective. "Slip past them" though--that just reads like something one of my dogs would think. I'm not sure of the time or the place--a school? Or a house near a school? I would keep reading to figure out more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your critique. The book is told from Bertie Wooster's POV. He is trying to slip past bullies to leave school. I am clarifying this opening. The whole work in progress is on wattpad, which is free if you want to read more.
DeleteI loved this! I'm familiar with the original Jeeves and Wooster stories, so I was immediately hooked, and I also enjoyed the voice. I was confused as to what exactly the MC was planning--you might want to revise your opening to make that more clear. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your opinion. I'm a huge Wodehouse fan, and a lot of the names from the Bertie/Jeeves stories appear in my story, though not in the same context. If you get a chance, please find MY DOG JEEVES on wattpad and critique it. I'll gladly return the favor.
DeleteI'd be happy to critique the first few chapters, but I don't have a wattpad account. If you're comfortable with it, I'd be happy to send the critique via e-mail.
DeleteCam,
DeleteMy email is cynderoute@yahoo.com
Being a huge Wodehouse fan, I'm intrigued right off the bat. It even has a Wodehouse-ish voice to it. My guess would be our MC is young, at school, and needs to slip by some bullies (Darcy Cheesewright? Spode? They would have totally been middle school bullies!) I guessed the "old man" as headmaster or someone in charge to keep track of the kids. Will Bingo Little fall in love with every middle school girl? Will Catsmead Potter Perbright get the lead in the school play? Will Jeeves, even in canine form, save the day? My mind is reeling with this set-up- I am ready for more!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to find a fellow Wodehouse lover! I posted MT DOG JEEVES on Wattpad, and if tou have time, I'd love your critique..
DeleteI read this as the old man wasn't at the school crossing, so the MC was going to get hit on by the bullies. If this is the case - you might want to make "at his post" clearer. If this is not the case - then the opening doesn't draw me in because I don't know what it's about.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. You're correct: the MC is trying to sneak past bullies without his usual guardian, his dog Jeeves. I'm clarifying this.
DeleteI was wondering what a Wooster was, and I had to go reread your very first sentence to figure out that's his last name (I think--eek!). Is he sneaking by bullies? It's unclear.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your opinion! Wooster is the MC's last name, but I clear ed this up thanks y to your comment. It hadn't occurred to me> The entire WIP is on wattpad, which you can view for free, if you're interested. I appreciate your comments.
DeleteThis is a great opening. Consider revising the rhetorical questions. I felt removed from the story at that point. Plus, at the beginning, I got the sense the boy was daring/fearless. The questions make it sound like he's not sure of himself.
ReplyDelete