TITLE: The Sumerlin Curse
GENRE: YA Southern Gothic
Mama says the Lord punishes wicked boys who disobey their parents.
He will punish me if I cross the fence.
The fence circles the entire house. A wall of boards squeezed together, flat trees choking off my view of the outside world. Or the outside world’s view of me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like this, although the voice sounds more MG than YA to me. That said, you've done a great job of making me care for this character in just a few lines. That's pretty awesome. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the set-up here, and agree with Merci that the voice sounds a tad young for YA. Have you considered swapping the order of the sentences? I re-read it starting with "The fence circles the entire house…" and then put "Mama says…He will punish me if I cross the fence" at the end. Just a thought (after all, it's YOUR writing!), but the change lulls me into a world of normalcy and then -- crack! -- snaps me into a whole different world, rather than the other way around. Obviously, you'd sacrifice your excellent first line, but it might be worth thinking about.
ReplyDeleteI certainly have a feel for the kid's condition and upbringing. Setting is unclear -- my sense is rural somewhere, but not necessarily the South. And these first few lines very much invoke sympathy on the reader's part.
Nice job!
Christina
LUCKY THIRTEEN entry #15
"flat trees choking off my view of the outside world."
ReplyDeleteMarvelous imagery! That being said, I disagree with the MG/YA comments. Just from these few words, I get the feeling that the story is going to be too much for MG.
I agree, it sounds a little young--leaning a bit towards MG--but I otherwise love it! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe voice did feel a little young for YA, but if there's a reason for that--and it looks like the MC may be coming from an abusive, or at least unusual family--great job. I have a picture of a protagonist who is very scared and vulnerable, and that pulls me in. I might also try out Christina's suggested revision, just to see if it works. Both versions are powerful, but if you switch the order, you do get a bigger surprise factor. On the other hand, the original immediately pulls you into the protagonist's plight, so it's all a question of what works best for your story.
ReplyDeleteAgreed, it sounds a little young. I think it might be a word choice issue. I would change "Mama". "Mama" is very close to "Mommy". I'd try "Ma" instead. I might just keep it simple in general and say "Ma says the Lord punishes the wicked. He will punish me if I cross the fence." I'm conflicted though, because I think maybe the whole disobeying his parents thing is important down the line. And it does add to the feeling of being trapped.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I would keep reading! Because I'd want to know why he isn't allowed to see the world and the world isn't allowed to see him.
Love that last line - great insight into your MC. It does read more like MG, but I'm getting the feeling your protagonist might be in a very controlling environment, which would explain the voice.
ReplyDeleteObviously not the majority view here and everything's subjective, but...
ReplyDeleteLoved the first line. Found the rest choppy.
A little bit like A. Thus B. Ergo C. Therefore D
A very strong, authentic voice and clear setting - nice work describing the fence by showing instead of telling. I wouldn't tinker too much with your sentences and jeopardize your rhythm. I can hear the story and would keep listening. And I don't think using the name Mama sounds too young - I've heard many Southerners (assuming this is set in the South) say Mama well into adulthood. Thought it was MG, too, maybe with some darker moments like Louis Sachar's "Holes."
ReplyDeleteWow. I instantly got pictures of an overprotective mother, a barrier (that maybe MC will cross?), and a child that knows little of the outside world.
ReplyDeleteI love this. The pacing and details fit the genre. I immediately want to read more!
ReplyDelete