TITLE: JUST MY LUCK
GENRE: Romantic Comedy
“Are you sexually active, Stacy?”
The voice came from between my thighs. My feet rested on hard plastic stirrups and my a** hung halfway off the hard table.
“Wow, Dr. Thomas, what an ice breaker,” I said, raising my head slightly and catching a glimpse of the crown of her head.
She looked up. “It’s my job as your doctor to make sure you’re using protection.”
Protection…as if I had a need for protection. That cave hadn’t been explored in over two years and with no spelunkers on the horizon, protection was the last thing on my mind.
“Yeah, well, it’s been a while.” My head fell back onto the crunchy, paper-encased pillow and I gazed at the ceiling while she finished her exam.
She pushed back on the rolling stool and disposed of her gloves. “You can get dressed now. You should be receiving a postcard in the mail in a couple of weeks. If anything shows up as abnormal, we’ll have you come back.”
I scooted my bootie up on the table and pulled my feet out of the stirrups. “Thanks, Dr. Thomas.”
“You’re welcome, Stacy. Be careful out there.” She opened the door to the exam room and whooshed out into the hall.
How depressing. Now even my gynecologist knew I wasn’t seeing any action. Ever since The Dumping, I’d been licking my wounds, hiding out in my apartment and avoiding anything and everything that sported a penis.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Funny with a refreshing, LOL opening.
ReplyDeleteI really like "The Dumping". It's hilarious. The Dr. seems to be slightly off - I'm not sure she'd say it's her job, more like as her Dr she needs to know. I love the MC's voice and opening with this scene sets the tone well.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a start of a very funny story. Especially for women who can most certainly relate to these awkward moments! I'm not sure opening with dialogue is the best way to go. I think maybe setting up the scene of the gynecologist's office (that we all dread) would set the tone for how uncomfortable you can feel in there. The voice also seems a little confusing. The language of the first lines seems very different as the voice continues. For example: the in the opening lines Stacy says she scooted her a@# up, but then later refers to it as her bootie which makes it way more PG. Maybe a little more consistency in voice. You also say "hard" twice in the same sentence maybe use a different word such as "cold plastic stirrups". My favorite line is the "cave hadn't been explore in years" I think it's hilarious. I think the fact this is a romantic comedy, you've done a great job of not making a romantic cliche by starting it with an uncomfortable scenario! It made me laugh. All and all, I like it.
ReplyDeleteAgree with previous posts...funny stuff. I'd love to see you rework the opening into a hilarious orientation to the environment to ground us and sing your voice. Cave and spelunkers made me pee my pants!!
ReplyDeleteYou made me LOL, literally. The whole selection is funny, but personally I'd like a sentance or two of set up before the first line of dialog. Perhaps a tiny description of the doctor, the office, something to ground me.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and word choice (cave! spelunkers!). Perfectly fits for a romantic comedy. I loved the imagery, and I can clearly imagine the feel of the crunchy paper pillow. ;) I'd agree with Christa about the line about the doctor's job feeling a little off. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of the other comments about wanting some description before we jump into dialogue. Also, having the doctor ask that question in the middle of the exam feels off to me. Usually those conversations take place before the physical part of the exam, sometimes even with the nurse who takes the blood pressure reading and does the medical history part of things. That pulled me out of the story enough that I had a hard time connecting with the funny, voicey moments you've got here.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to chime in here to say I totally disagree with the other comments about supplying a description before the first two sentences. Regarding the first sentence, who doesn't want to know the answer to that? And the second one is both intriguing and hilarious because of the first one. And the third one establishes quite clearly that we're at the gynecologist's, and that's more than quick enough to establish given the first two amusing lines. I'd keep them as is, personally. Good luck with this! Funny stuff.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I need any setting earlier either. We've all been there. :)
ReplyDeleteI was actually wondering how long it's been since the MC has been to the OBGYN. I mean, if she hasn't seen anyone in two years... I mean, I get that things change, but it seems like maybe the doctor would have something like that in her notes already. And if I didn't have a problem, wasn't pregnant, and wasn't sexually active and needed something (like birth control) from my OBGYN, I wouldn't be there!! So I was left wondering why Stacy was there. Maybe she's just a better person than I am!
Other than those questions, I liked it. The tone was right, and there were some funny bits.
I'm in the "keep the opening as is" camp. I think it adds to the humor. And I have to say that I don't think I've ever read a book that opens in the stirrups of the gyno's office. Good voice, and the humor shines through. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe opening is funny and gives us a sense of who our MC is straight away. The cave/spelunking joke is great. This sounds like it’s a contemporary romance (since romantic comedy is a movie genre). This sample is pretty dialogue heavy, which is okay, but just make sure every scene isn’t dialogue heavy, so you can add depth to the story too.
ReplyDeleteIf the story follows the opening cues, this is a book I would read to dispel low light SAD moods at this time of year then pass it along to all my friends.
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