TITLE: Rules of the Stars
GENRE: Adult Romance
I peer at my partner in crime over the frames of my massive sunglasses. “No one is gonna see us, Alex. Trust me. It’ll be in and out.”
The James Bond themed tune plays in the back of my mind, and I press my lips in a thin line. Alex’s gonna know I’m making fun of our escapade as soon as he notices the corner of my lips curving up.
“They’ll see us all right.” The sun’s golden brushwork breaks the monotonous blue tone in the sky. Alex takes a left and the shades of the palm trees along the road slide over the black hood of his car. “But they better not recognize us, or your sister will go psycho.” His face is partially hidden under his baseball cap, but I know a hint of mockery gleams in his honey eyes.
“Are you getting cold feet or somethin’?” I tilt my head to the side to catch his gaze. “This ain’t the first time we trick the paparazzi and sneak out of the house. Not even this month. Plus, no one is gonna think it’s us.” I gesture at his black jeans, black cotton shirt combo. The long sleeves cover his tattoos, including the one I designed for him: an anchor hanging from the south end of a compass. “Alejandro Reyes dressed in the same color from head to toe?” I huff. “Don’t think so.”
The corners of his lips curve up. “You look fantastic too, babe.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I had a bit of trouble with the tense, but I'm not a fan of 1st person present. I think that's why I can't get into the scene. Maybe more context would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this! Your descriptions are lovely but not overdone or heavy. I can literally picture the vehicle moving past the palm trees.
ReplyDeleteEven though I know you only have 250 words, from this brief bit, I get a good sense of their relationship. I imagine something's about to happen, maybe something fun. I'm also curious about who they might be, since paparazzi is mentioned.
Well done.
All the best with it!
I agree with Martha that your descriptions are great, and easy to picture without being overbearing. You can also get a great sense of their close relationship, which is great on the first 250!
ReplyDeleteMy minor gripes would be: watch the repetitions. Namely "lips" on the second paragraph. I'd also prefer a more gripping first line - in fact, I think if you simply change its order (dialogue first, inner thought later), it'd be much better already!
Best of luck with this! Hope you get a request! :D
Interesting that they're trying to trick the paparazzi. I like the relationship between the two characters - you can feel it right in the first page.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest you watch the use of ain't, gonna, somethin'. I feel like it pulls me away from the story and makes me focus too much on the language. I also think you use "lips" three times on this page, so you could check that.
I like the first piece of dialogue, and I had the same thought as Diana regarding switching the order of the first two lines. Best of luck!
I like this as well! I think the voice is very strong, and I do get a good sense of the relationship between the characters. Plus, friends to lovers is one of my favorite tropes!
ReplyDeleteI think the first person present is a little bit strange, but I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to that in romance. I also thought this might actually be a romantic suspense because of the partner in crime bit. Like, I took it literally. Then I found out they were just sneaking out.
Overall, though, I thought it was very strong!
Unique voice... good descriptions... my comments are just a few nit picky things... I would say James Bond theme tune as opposed to "themed" and I'd change the corner of my "lips" to corner of my "lip." Also, I'd change "Alex's" to "Alex is." But those are just my suggestions. I really like the shades of the palm trees sliding over the car... you have an intriguing set up and I'd be inclined to read more.
ReplyDeleteAdult romance is often (although not always) in third person POV rather than first like you’ve chosen here. It seems like these two celebrities have good chemistry going on. Your first sentence isn’t as gripping as it could be, but overall this 250 has a good foundation of something exciting, fun, and possibly naughty about to happen later on in the chapter.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting opening that could go in any intriguing direction. My question has to do with the gender of the two characters. I'm not sure if they're male-female or male-male. Either way, the story could be fun.
ReplyDelete