TITLE: ISLAND SHADOWS
GENRE: Realistic YA
I grew up believing in a love story. Now I know it’s a lie.
Ever since Mom and Dad broke their news to me, I knew I had to come to Silver Head. Everything about this place reminds me of childhood. And though part of me knows spending the summer at my grandparents’ cottage by the river probably won’t change anything, a small part of me hopes some distance from my parents will remind them who they were before I came along—just a couple of crazy art students who fell in love.
In the passenger seat of my grandfather’s ’88 Oldsmobile, I lean my head against the glass, tracing the curvy line of the river with my eyes until I grow dizzy. Since I arrived a few days ago, I can’t stop staring at the river. This particular shade of bluish-green doesn’t exist anywhere else I’ve ever been.
Silver Head is a town nestled at the mouth of a great river that runs long and deep. Without binoculars, you can scarcely see across to the other side—which is Canada—and in between are thousands of islands sprouting up from an inland sea. Most of the islands are small, home to seagulls and river rats, while others are dense with trees and sharp with rock, holding up a summer house or two, or even a castle.
“Maybe we’ll do some fishing later, Tessy,” Gramps says, interrupting my river gazing.
“I’ll probably just draw,” I say, playing with a few strands of hair.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like your first line a lot, but overall I think this beginning is a lot of telling and backstory that we may not need to know yet. Right now, I care more about why she's at Silver Head and what it may accomplish than what it looks like. And the act of going there doesn't seem like it's probably your inciting incident — I think it may be something that occurs shortly after she arrives. If that's the case, maybe start with that, and then fill in the details of why she's there. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first comment that this beginning is too much backstory. We don't need those first two paragraphs right now--that's information that can be woven in later, when it's necessary. I actually really like your third paragraph as a place to start. It grounds us in the scene, and I get a sense that your MC isn't in the best place emotionally. You could start there and *then* tell us why she came to Silver Head.
ReplyDeleteI actually really enjoyed it "as is." The reason she's there seems pretty obvious to me... her parents are splitting up and she's been pawned off on her grandparents to give them a chance to save their marriage. I suppose you could move things around a bit and start with her talking with her grandfather. I really like your opening line though. Nice job... pulls me in and I get a real sense of the scenery.
ReplyDeleteI like the first two lines, but I feel like the rest of the opening is trying too hard to explain things. I'm not sure the physical details about Silver Head are needed this early on. The fourth paragraph in particular sounds like a very objective view of the place -- your MC's voice seems to have faded there.
ReplyDeleteI do think you're starting in the right place, though. Best of luck!
Your opening lines carry a great hook and left me wanting to read more which is exactly what you want those first sentences to do. I like it as is, but if you want it to be stronger, you could take nataliewrites suggestion to switch the second and third paragraph. In addition, I found myself skimming over the description of Silver Head. I think this description is important but might be better placed later in the story. If you remove that paragraph, you could go right into the dialogue with Gramps after she tells us about "crazy art students who fell in love." LOVE that line btw. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI don't normally read much contemporary, but your opening really drew me in and wanting to read more. But I do agree with the above comment about all the descriptions of Silver Head. It seems like a lot of info dump so early on. Perhaps these (or some of) can come later on? It seems a bit much for the beginning. Otherwise, a very interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI like the beginning just as it is. I get a sense of the character's desire to re-unite her parents, and a sense of the setting. The brief back story didn't put me off at all. If I could suggest one thing it would be to make the dialogue crackle with some kind of conflict. Nice job!. I like the title, too.,
ReplyDeleteI agree about the back story, although you could feed in snippets among dialogue, which is missing and action.
ReplyDeleteDo you mean "my parent's love story?" A love story sounds removed and would a teen say that; wouldn't she be more concerned with how her parent's break up was going to affect her and whose fault it was? A lot of kids think it's their fault.
I agree with the bulk of the comments. You might consider starting the dialogue after the line that ends, "....until I grow dizzy." That would help get the story going faster and the interplay between the exterior action and interior thoughts could weave more. You might also consider using some of the action as dialogue tag, eliminating the unnecessary "says."
ReplyDeleteSounds like an intruiging story! Good luck!
I like your opening sentence, but I struggled with the verb tense agreement. I feel like I am being told too much. Show me she is going to her grandparents - perhaps through dialogue or stronger internalization. Also, I wouldn't use that much description so early. Shorten. I started skimming. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAm hooked. Well done! I don't read much YA, but I got the sense that this could have bee the beginning of a women's fiction story. Still, I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteSorry, there's nothing to draw me in here but backstory The description was very heavy for a first page and I found myself zoning out half way through the river paragraph. Make me interested in Tessy before you dump all her problems on me.
ReplyDeleteI really found that your first two paragraphs took me to another place. It felt like I was in the moment right until the sentence in paragraph three that ends with 'dizzy'. You then jump into back story and I feel like it would work better if you carried on as you started, but still very interesting and I'd like to read more.
ReplyDeleteYour attention to detail is lovely when describing Silver Head and the river. I can feel how attached Tessy is to the area. From your first sentence I know exactly what she wants- for her parents to get back together. Your beginning is quiet and thoughtful. As a reader I'd like a hint of what is to come mixed in with the descriptions. A mystery to solve, or boy to fall in love with despite her belief that love is a lie. You need to perk this up with a bit of tension, and then it will be really good. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteIt feels like there’s too much information trying to be crammed into the first 250 words about where they are, why they’re there, the description of the town. It would be nice if this could all be woven in as the story progresses in a more organic way. The shift to talking about Silver Head particularly felt forced. It sounds like the setting is going to be almost a character in itself, for a small town with secrets which could be great, but we don’t need that all spread out on the first page necessarily.
ReplyDelete