TITLE: Status
GENRE: Psychological Thriller
Gwen MacLean hit the snooze button with more force than was strictly necessary then opened one eye as she reached for her cell phone; she squinted at the screen and tried to focus on the updates that had accumulated overnight.
Apparently Gina turned forty today, and her husband surprised her with breakfast in bed. Well that was all well and good, but maybe if Gina would lay off the waffles she wouldn't be pushing three hundred pounds.
And Sarah's daughter made the Dean's Honor Roll again but, of course, if she kept sleeping her way through the university's defensive end she'd end up reading parenting books instead of prose--but really, what can someone do with an English degree anyway?
Miss Snark's First Victim
There are a couple of instances where you'll want to review your word choice to avoid the same word or similar word being used in the same sentence "Well that was all well and good" The voice is strong here and although so far Gwen sounds judgmental and a wee bit bitter, that can be a good thing for this genre. I'm definitely intrigued and would read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I immediately don't like the character. She seems a bitter woman. If she's meant to die in this opening, first five contests don't really work for you since more context is needed. If she's the protagonist, this is not the right place to work. Due to their nature psychological thrillers are hard to "sell" with this short of a bite. You might consider starting in a different place. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteStarting with a character waking up is usually not a good idea. You're showing voice here and that's good, but I think these observations about other people could be made later. It doesn't feel like they *need* to happen right as soon as she wakes up. We don't have any context about why they're important yet.
ReplyDeleteSimply judging by the story's title alone, I think this opening makes sense. Maybe it's even a play on words. Status - and the first moments of this character's waking life are focused primarily on other people's status updates. Idk where this is going, but I'd definitely keep reading. Yeah, she's bitter and judgmental, but that's what's so intriguing about it. I don't have to like every character (even the MC) right out the gate; I just have to wonder what they're up to and why. I have to be curious about them. But I can see how a first-five might be a little difficult to peg for a psychological thriller. You aren't supposed to know much of anything right up front with this genre; you're supposed to get pulled in by the undertow. You might know something is going to take a turn somewhere, but if the author knows their stuff, you won't know quite what or when. That's what makes it thrilling.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you are saying but for me, this was not intriguing. With more, say a first page, I might have been to see the context behind this character waking up and the thoughts but hearing the bitter thoughts of a character isn't enough to intrigue me to read more even in this genre. I think that's what makes the challenge in showing such a short piece for this genre. And I'm an acquiring editor. :)
DeleteNot sure the overnight message recap in the first few lines has me in thriller mode. Except I'm betting there will be something horrible in the next paragraph:)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Robyn. True, the first five sentences are not enough to know if this would grab a reader or even to really know a character. But in this case the only information you have about the character is that she's bitter and judgmental, and I don't know if it's the best way to start. Sure, the character can keep being like this throughout the book, not every character has to be likeable, but maybe show us something good before the bad? First impressions are very important, specially in this industry where agents usually only have the first few pages/chapters to read.
ReplyDeleteThere's a voice in here that grew on me the more I read it. I don't know if I like Gwen yet, but I feel like I know her, and that is an accomplishment in a few sentences.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would consider doing is not starting out with her waking up. It is so boring and overdone, and doesn't tell us anything about her. Everyone wakes up. Maybe instead she checks the statuses as she runs on the treadmill in her basement, or as she is almost missing the last commuter train, or even propping her phone on the bathroom sink to read as she is rolling her hair in big, pink foam rollers. Something that shows a bit of character. I hope that makes sense. :)
Otherwise, I do like the voice, and I'd probably keep reading.
Am I supposed to hate Gwen? Cause I kind of do. She sounds pretty bitter. Either she's going to be the villain or she's going to get some comeuppance, I suspect.
ReplyDeleteI would break up the first paragraph into two sentences. The semicolon doesn't belong.
The scene is fairly well set, in as much as one can set a scene within a cell phone app. I'm getting a good picture of what kind of personality Gwen has, but not much else. I know more about her "friends" than I do about her at this point. I'm not getting a strong psychological thriller vibe from the first five, but I could see this being a story about the dangers of social media and one-upmanship run amok.
To clarify, I don't necessarily mind the bitterness... I don't have to like the MC, I just have to relate in some way. But when I have a strong reaction to the personality of the MC, I like to make sure that's what the author intended. It's only an issue if you meant her to be really sympathetic.
DeleteI don't mind the bitterness. She could grow or we could find out why or she could be an anti-hero. I am curious where it will go.
ReplyDeleteMy only grieve is the first line. I read the "hit the snooze button with more force than was strictly necessary" in a lot of book that it sound cliche to me.