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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

First Five Sentences #17

TITLE: Shaman Moon
GENRE: Science Fiction Romance

A high-pitched scream echoed down the dim hallway a second before Shiloh Blackfeather kicked in the battered wood door. Metal screeched as hinges were ripped from the old pine. Her narrowed gaze took in the scene with one look. The prostitute, her naked body pressed up halfway against the smoke-stained wall, hung as if she'd been mounted like a trophy animal. Instead, her dangling body was held in place by the power of the demon in the guise of a human glaring at Shiloh with crimson eyes.

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11 comments:

  1. AuthorFebruary 25, 2015 at 12:07 PM

    Someone give me feedback, pretty please?

    ReplyDelete
  2. AliceFebruary 25, 2015 at 12:24 PM

    I will. I had this opened to do yours next. First this seems more like horror not SF.
    And certainly, I don't see any romance in it. But that isn't necessarily important as I hate romance.

    A little wordy. How about she kicks the battered door off its screeching hinges.
    Leave off with one look, is redundant because her narrowed gaze. ANd you say her naked body is like a trophy which would be stiff but then you say its dangling. Just too many adjectives and they make the sentences confusing.

    The prostitute's naked body was pressed halfway up the smoke-stained wall by a demon who glared at Shiloh with crimson eyes.

    Hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CassieFebruary 25, 2015 at 4:34 PM

      Thanks Alice! Ugh, adjectives. You are so not the first person to hit me with those. I'll absolutely adjust them. I can see how they are adding confusion (ie stiff versus dangling).

      Delete
  3. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2015 at 2:26 PM

    I think I would call this more paranormal than science fiction based on these opening lines, but that could definitely change further on in your work. My biggest advice would be to pare down all the adjectives. Trust the reader to bring their own imagination in here.

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    Replies
    1. CassieFebruary 25, 2015 at 4:36 PM

      Thanks Jeremiah! Adjectives again. It does get more sci-fi romance later--sort of in the vein of Firefly mixed with Supernatural...and romance. :)

      Delete
  4. HGDSFebruary 25, 2015 at 2:48 PM

    I really liked the image of the prostitute hanging on the wall - really grim! I would definitely shorten your last sentence - remove "in the guise of a human". I'm not sure hinges would screech, either - I think the sound you would hear would be the wood splintering as the hinges were ripped out of it. I also agree that this doesn't sound like sci-fi, yet - but that could change. I'm definitely intrigued - and a little unnerved. :-)

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    Replies
    1. CassieFebruary 25, 2015 at 4:37 PM

      Oo, good point, HGDS, on the hinges. I was thinking nails against metal hinges but I can see why it might sound more like wood than that. Thanks so much!

      Delete
  5. hlbrixeyFebruary 25, 2015 at 3:14 PM

    This feels paranormal thriller or horror to me rather than sci-fi romance, especially sci-fi. I just don't really think the demon reference gels with what I think sci-fi is. The setting, though, I think came through. I got a little lost at the end, not really sure where the demon was in relation to Shiloh and the dead prostitute.

    I feel like the opening is a bit abrupt. I don't know who Shiloh is, whether she's a good guy or a bad guy, if she was tracking the demon or just happened to be in the hallway when she heard the scream. I'd like to spend maybe a touch more time with her and find out what she's doing before she's confronted with the demon.

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    Replies
    1. CassieFebruary 25, 2015 at 4:39 PM

      Thanks hlbrixey! It's a mix of Firefly and Supernatural if you are familiar with those shows and fabulous point on where demon is especially since his location matters two paragraphs farther along.

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    2. hlbrixeyFebruary 26, 2015 at 12:04 PM

      Love both of the show! I hope this gets published so I can read it. Sounds like it's right up my alley. :)

      Delete
  6. CarissaFebruary 25, 2015 at 5:15 PM

    I agree with what the others have said. While this scene definitely grabs my attention, you really want to lead with something that fits with your genre. To me this reads Fantasy/Horror. If it does truly become more sci-fi (plus supernatural) later on ... you might consider adding in a few details re: the setting that really make it feel sci-fi. Quick example: a wooden door really screams fantasy/contemporary, not futuristic.

    I'd like to see more about the main character in the opening. I don't really have a feel for who she is or why she's here. Also, I've read interviews with some agents that say prostitutes in opening scenes are overused. Just a warning!

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