TITLE: PUNISHMENT SUMMER
GENRE: YA Mystery/Adventure
When we reached the hill's crest, I rested my hands on my hips and stared. Green treetops stretched to the horizon.
Todd pointed at the land below. "See that brown squiggle weaving through the woods?"
I followed where his finger pointed, only half-listening as his arm brushed against my shoulder. "Yeah."
"That's the road to the highway."
"Looks so small from here."
Todd took my left hand and held it. "That's why I like coming here. Being up above everything, it kind of puts things in perspective." He squeezed my hand and led me to a downed tree.
Queenie looked at me. "It's OK, girl." The dog bolted into the bushes, scattering several small birds. I sat beside Todd, my hearbeat speeding up again. He leaned down toward me. The heat of his lips surprised me. After a few minutes we broke apart, my heart drumming like a woodpecker on pine. I stared at his now-flushed face and smiled. "I'm liking my summer in Punishment more and more each day." When he raised my hand to his lips and kissed my palm, a shiver ran through me.
"Me, too," he said. "But, I keep thinking about what you told me the other day. About your friends. Thinking how lucky I am you're here. How happy I am that your friends are bad news." He ran his hand along the side of my face. "Your gramps warned you off me, so I gotta ask -- is that why you're hanging out with me? You always drawn to the bad crowd?"
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked everything about this scene EXCEPT the actual kiss. It seemed rushed and almost skipped over. Maybe add a little anticipation before the kiss, and a little more feeling during. Otherwise, great. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteI liked the setting and the build-up. The actual kiss seemed to need a little more detail/feeling. I like that there was a lot more going on, more history/questions to be revealed. The dog bothered me a bit. Is Queenie her dog? If so, I don’t think she’d call her “the dog.” The dog’s look needed a little more description to understand how the narrator knew what it was thinking.
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ReplyDeleteI have little stuff and one rearrangement suggestion.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is a little gangly between "the hill's crest" and "my hips", but I bet you could kill that off with a simple, "crest of the hill". Also, you don't need that first comma there. It's all one single statement. If you'd written "We reached the hill . . . etc" you'd have needed the comment to separate the two actions, but with "When" there's only one action.
Is the road to the highway one with which we're already familiar? Just curious. It would be a little difficult to express this as a comparison if she doesn't actually know what it looks like up close.
Might be good to clarify that Queenie is looking askance to go running, specifically. At first I thought she was worried FOR THE GIRL, like she didn't trust this guy.
I need more detail--just a touch, not tonsil hockey, or anything--between "surprised me" and "After a few." It kind of feels like someone stole the meat from my cheeseburger.
Now, for the rearrangement. I really like his question at the end. It shows intuition, and maybe even a tiny hint of chastening . . . but I feel it would be even more powerful--as would the liplock--if it came before the actual kiss. Like, he asks this question to make her consider the answer, and then he kisses her to drive home the impact.
There you go!
When I read this, I knew exactly what I would say only to find everyone beat me to it. :)
ReplyDeleteYou've set the scene well. I can see the hill and trees. The dog surprised me, but I'm sure in the context of the entire scene, it's fine. The only thing I didn't like is how you rushed through the kiss. I almost felt like I missed it. You obviously write well and would have loved to seen that great writing of yours in the kiss.
When I read this, I knew exactly what I would say only to find everyone beat me to it. :)
ReplyDeleteYou've set the scene well. I can see the hill and trees. The dog surprised me, but I'm sure in the context of the entire scene, it's fine. The only thing I didn't like is how you rushed through the kiss. I almost felt like I missed it. You obviously write well and would have loved to seen that great writing of yours in the kiss.
Thank you all for your feedback. When I go back in to revise, I'll definitely be adding more detail and reaction to the actual kiss. All your suggestions were great -- and I love the idea of rearranging the sequence of the final paragraphs and think it will give the scene a nice kick at the end.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.
I'm going to try to post this anonymously since we all removed our names from the excerpts and hopefully I'll succeed!
Thanks so much for the feedback. Everything was extremely helpful and I now see what I need to flesh out. I also love the idea of rearranging a couple of the paragraphs for a bit more oomph. Thanks again -- this has been a great experience.
ReplyDelete