TITLE: COMPLEX SOLUTIONS
GENRE: Young Adult Contemporary Fiction
"Hey, you okay?"
She was staring blankly into the night. "Just thinking, trying to understand all of this."
"Don't think right now, okay?"
"Right. I'll jus..."
But before she could finish his lips were on hers, dewy and soft, drowning her in a blissful kiss, thrilling her from head to toe. Thoughts of Annie were swiftly extinguished, replaced by the fantastic tornado of adrenaline spiralling through her body. Passionate and fiery, she drank it all in, while Joe's intxoicating scent swarmed her like a tropical avalanche, sating all of her senses.
She was dizzy and delirious...and wanting more. She pulled him closer, rapacious in her suddenly insatiable desire, responding to his movements with an inexplicable urgency.
His lips became more urgent and intense. His hands, loosely knotted at the small of her back, moved forward and rested gently on her hips, rocking her against him. She could feel his heart thrumming in her chest, matching beat for beat, her own, which was hammering out of control.
Ooh, should I be feeling like this? No, yes,....
She realized at once they needed to apply the brakes, cool the inferno. She reluctantly pulled away and caught her breath. "Umm, we should probably go now," she stuttered, violently crimson-faced.
"Mm..." he stammered, his breathing ragged. "Amanda?" He gazed down at her, a guilty look on his burnished face.
"Don't. Say. A. Word." She grasped both of his hands in hers and looked him squarely in the eye. She didn't want to spoil this moment with regrets and misgivings. Because she didn't have any. And she didn't want him to wonder if she did.
"Okay." He smiled tenderly and pulled her into his embrace.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Ah, teenage hormones! :)
ReplyDeleteYour biggest problem here is overwriting. Some examples:
drowning her in a blissful kiss, thrilling her from head to toe
fantastic tornado of adrenaline spiralling through her body
Passionate and fiery
Joe's intxoicating scent swarmed her like a tropical avalanche, sating all of her senses.
rapacious in her suddenly insatiable desire
his heart thrumming in her chest, matching beat for beat, her own, which was hammering out of control.
And so on.
You're using some words that are too flowery for YA Contemp. Like "rapacious". (I am NOT in favor of dumbing down kid lit! But you've got to have a voice that is believable for a teenager.)
You've definitely captured the passion of youth here, but you've got to trim and clean up your writing to make this work better.
i think doing an "adjective" edit will bring the scene into focus.
ReplyDeleteI love the last paragraphs when she stops him from saying anything. That was very satisfying. Other writers might have spoiled that moment, but you didn't. I am not sure I understand why she says "Should I feel that way. Yes. No." That was odd, especially after so many descriptions of her passionate kiss. Did she expect not enjoying it? I would have liked to have some kind of mention of what she means by "Just thinking, trying to understand all of this" or at least feel an intense relief from the situation. The first replies sounded a little cliche. Why not saying something like "We will think about it later, together." That would have been sexy. Well, of course I am talking out of context. And yes, it was a little bit too wordy, but maybe it's the character's character trait. Maybe she is very sensual. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteI actually really liked the descriptions, I didn't find it too wordy, but that's the kind of writing I like. I love descriptions, especially unique ones and feel if it's true to the character than it's more than fine, just my opinion though.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the "Ooh, should I be feeling like this? No, yes,...." is kind of confusing, but maybe it makes more sense when you know more. The only thing I had a problem with is the "rocking her against him", it kind of made me feel uncomfortable, but again, just my opinion. I think you do have a really good voice here, though!
First, I apologize for being tardy in commenting. I had planned to comment on all, but life grabbed me.
ReplyDeleteAs others have commented, it's overwritten. It reads sort of like old-time, flowery bodice ripper. I could clean it up and still have the excitement you need for the scene. Pare it down to your most important sensations. "Rapacious" is one word I think you should definitely get rid of.
If you haven't read Jo Bourne, you should. She writes historical romance, but it's lovely, clean writing and still...yummy with lots of action.
I wish you much success with this.
Julie