TITLE: This World In Gray
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fiction
This part takes place in the middle of a rain storm near a dirt bike track, during a mud fight between the characters
I’d almost made it to a standing position when a pair of arms snaked around my waist, pulling me back down. “Oh, no you don’t,” Mason said, laughing as he pushed me back into the mud. “You started this, you know?” I looked up to see him above me, his eyes shining as he grinned. He laid on his side next to me, both of us covered from head to toe in mud, that was even seeping down my boots, squishing through my toes.
I grinned at him, his hair was coated in the stuff, no color showing through, it was smeared on his upper left cheek though the rest of his face was surprisingly clear. We were staring at each other, but for once I didn’t feel awkward about it. He slowly stopped smiling, leaning closer to me just the littlest bit. My heart started pounding, and I couldn’t tell if it was because I wanted to run away, or lean closer.
Oz’s whooping laughter made the decision for me as we both jerked back, looking over to where Oz appeared to have snuck up on Dakota, pulling him down to the ground and trying to roll him in mud. The sight made me laugh, but it came out nervously as Mason reached down to help me up. I didn’t look at him as we made our way back down to the track.
Miss Snark's First Victim
"I couldn’t tell if it was because I wanted to run away, or lean closer." - excellent line :)
ReplyDeleteAww. They didn't kiss. Great almost kiss, though. You have some good tension, and this excerpt moved smoothly. You also have some good details that really puts us into the scene. Example: "it was smeared on his upper left cheek though the rest of his face was surprisingly clear."
ReplyDeleteOkay, diving right in!
ReplyDeleteThis sentence is two sentences, it just doesn't know it, yet . . . unless it wants to live it's life as a double-taken run-on (meaning I had to read it twice, the second time more slowly, in order the suss it out.
"He laid on his side next to me, both of us covered from head to toe in mud, that was even seeping down my boots, squishing through my toes."
Throw in a period after "toe", start up again with "Mud even seeped," and you're set.
From there on in, it's mostlu mechanics. semi-colon after "I grinned at him," needing the word "mud" or "grime" or something before "was smeared" rather than a pronoun. A bit of echo with the "he [action}, I [action]" and some passive voice.
Logic warp with her jerking back AS Oz laughed, because wouldn't Oz's laugh be what broke them out of the almost-kissing trance. He would do well for the second mention of Oz's name.
All that being said, I do like the playful 'friends-to-lovers' cast this has got, and I really love that they're with other friends, and that they're doing something truly non-angsty. Non-angsty set kisses are refreshing!
Oy Vey. Please forgive the incorrect form of "its" above. I blame simultaneously typing comments and helping a kid write out Valentines.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's refreshing to read a teen "kissing" scene that isn't angst-ridden, even if they don't really kiss. This near-kiss unfolds very naturally. Also, I love the mud fight.
ReplyDelete"I grinned at him, his hair was coated in the stuff, no color showing through, it was smeared on his upper left cheek though the rest of his face was surprisingly clear." This sentence is really multiple sentences held together by commas. "I grinned at him." It's a complete thought. Give it the full stop. Again after "through." The info here is great, it just needs some different punctuation to help it reach its full potential.
Great almost kiss. I was thinking... oh, this is going to be great... and then it didn't happen. Love it.
ReplyDelete