TITLE: THE EXORCIST'S ASSISTANT
GENRE: Adult Paranormal Thriller
Scarlet would have killed for a glass of merlot.
Although the day stretched long behind her, she was still in her office reviewing a status report at seven on a Friday evening. “What’s this idiot project manager doing?” She rubbed her eyes. What was the guy’s name? She didn’t know. She didn’t care.
She was composing a scathing email detailing his point-by-point failings when a breeze rushed over her face carrying the stench of burnt human flesh.
“Aw, hell, no,” she blurted to keep from gagging.
It was back.
For one stomach-clenching, head-twisting, freezing-sweat moment, Scarlet was no longer an almost-fifty vice president of technology in a large bank. Instead, she was eight years old again, shivering under bedcovers. Despite the glare of the overhead lights and the twilight glow coming through her window, midnight darkness blasted her skin with a chilly breeze.
“Go away,” she said between gritted teeth, embarrassment at addressing a disembodied presence washing away some of the terror.
The words had no effect.
Pissed off—but whether at herself or the presence, she wasn’t sure—she threw her pen across the office. It bounced against the closed door and landed in her trash can.
Well, that did a lot of good.
Scarlet stood and peered out the small frosted window along the door frame and saw what she expected: nothing. No human eyes checking if she was still at work well past when the rest of the employees had gone home. No janitorial staff whistling a tune. No one.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good job of joining disparate notions. The hum (humdrum?) of fluorescent lighting and the terror of midnight.
ReplyDeleteSome of your phrasing needs reworking. “Go away,” she said between gritted teeth, embarrassment at addressing a disembodied presence washing away some of the terror. Embarrassment is far from its verb and I had to read this several times to be sure what you were saying.
Good job of joining disparate notions. The hum (humdrum?) of fluorescent lighting and the terror of midnight.
ReplyDeleteSome of your phrasing needs reworking. “Go away,” she said between gritted teeth, embarrassment at addressing a disembodied presence washing away some of the terror. Embarrassment is far from its verb and I had to read this several times to be sure what you were saying.
I love your title and your opening line. I was drawn in to the story right away. I also noticed the problem with the sentence mentioned above. Another sentence that could use re-working is the 3rd from the end ("No human eyes...). Just a little clunky. Overall, though, a strong beginning. I'd definitely like to read on. Good work!
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so INTRIGUED! More, more, more! You have such an awesome balance of description and creepy and voice and everything. I would definitely read on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI also got caught on the word embarrassment. I'd be terrified but not embarrassed. Also, why would she be pissed off at herself? Loved the opening line....and its explanation. Makes me wonder if she would have pressed the SEND button. Good description of her fear (stomach-clenching, head-twisting, freezing-sweat moment). Than she is all alone. I would definately read on.
ReplyDeleteI love this-- I love the opening line and your descriptions! I would turn the page and keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI also think the opening line is great.
ReplyDeleteOne section I think you could massage a bit is the part where you mention she's an "almost-fifty vice president of technology." The wording feels a bit clunky and like there's a lot of info you're trying to shoehorn into a single sentence.
I liked this--hooked! Great first line, and a good follow up to keep momentum going. I was caught a bit by the burnt human flesh smell, only because it was so known to her; I wonder if it might work to have her notice a putrid smell, and then, perhaps in the next line, connect it's a familiar smell, and then go into the detail. Slightly more of a lead in to that info bomb.
ReplyDeleteThe opening here definitely sucked me in! You did a good job of making your character immediately sympathetic and likable. I had a bit of trouble understanding where she was coming from with her emotional shifts once the presence entered the room. Terror makes sense to me--embarrassment and anger make less sense. That's probably partially because it was unclear whether she feels the presence often or she only felt it that one time when she was a child. I think you might want to slip in a bit more information about her relationship with this presence to explain her feelings about it. I mean, if this is something that happens every other day, I could see her being really irritated with it, rather than frightened. If this is a rare occurrence, it would probably be pretty scary. The embarrassment only makes sense if she doesn't believe the presence is really there at all, which would mean she has an entirely different relationship with it than I would have thought based on her immediate recognition when it appeared.
ReplyDelete