TITLE: Pendulum Heroes
GENRE: Fantasy
Melvin Morrow’s first shock was a pair of cinnamon-colored breasts that defied gravity. Melvin perpetually fantasized about touching breasts like these, of being smothered in their soft embrace. Now he had a pair protruding proudly out of his chest in a steel bikini top. The steel shimmered in the sunlight. He was too mortified to be aroused.
The second shock was the uigr. He erupted from the tree line on the forest’s edge, a caveman on steroids, as big as a tree himself. Concept art would never capture the power and tremendous size of a real one as he barreled down on Melvin. The uigr’s axe was crude.
The third shock was the axe. Its path was wild and angry. It found a home in the shoulder of the gray-skinned man standing right next to Melvin. Not a man, an aian, a being that, like the uigr, was complete fabrication moments ago. Aians always looked noble in the concept art, tall with angular features that stayed stoic as they struck battle poses. Not now, not here; gone was any sense of regal composure as this aian screamed in panicked, desperate agony.
Melvin recognized this aian as Cephrin. His best friend Jason Streible played as Cephrin.
The fourth shock was Cephrin’s left shoulder. It had a uigr’s giant axe buried in it. Blood showered from the wound all over the bearded face and gray robes of Richard Bates’ character, the human mage Razzleblad.
Melvin had reached his shock tolerance. He fainted.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Strengths: Unapologetic weirdness, a lot happening. Even the name Melvin Morrow gives me some clue of the tongue-in-cheek tone that runs through this.
ReplyDeleteStill, this is a lot to take in, and while the mention of concept art suggests this is virtual reality, I wanted an anchor. For example: His best friend Jason Streible played as Cephrin. I don't have the context yet to interpret this.
On a third read-through, I actually do think "smothered in their soft embrace" is a bit much, and it slows us down when we're already about to be bombarded with species. I wonder if there's a way to sneak in the word "video game" before "concept art" so you answer Martin's context issue, above--so the reader knows these are video game characters, right off the bat? The moment the reader knows that, "Jason played as Cephrin" makes sense. Maybe headline it all with "hey look people video games are happening here okay". : p
ReplyDeleteHappy to see this here. Woot!
I'm going to bring dissent among these comments, maybe it's because I'm an unabashed video game addict, but as soon as you went into the weird races, I knew they were playing a game and I loved every word of it.
ReplyDeleteI think you should cut the line "The uigr’s axe was crude." as you talk about the axe in the next paragraph. And you should consider the above opinions as well. They're very valid. I'm feeling like the odd one out right now. Good luck! :D
I got through the whole excerpt and didn't make the connection to video games (I don't play them) so by the end I was bamboozled by all the different names, races and multiple shocks. I'd definitely try and get the video game reference in early so people like me can read in context.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a really fun world. Is it a video game-type of thing? That's the impression I got, that they are playing a game or in some sort of cyber reality. You start out very sensual, though, and I wonder if that's the right tone to begin with. It sets the reader up for something else than what they get on the rest of the page. I'm not a huge fan of the list of shocks. Once is okay, but repeating the phrase gets repetitive and it starts to feel like the character is just standing there, noticing things and is not part of the action. That might work for the character, it's hard to tell in these short pieces, but if he just standing there watching, then can't handle it and faints, I would expect him to be somewhat of a weak character.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a really fun world. Is it a video game-type of thing? That's the impression I got, that they are playing a game or in some sort of cyber reality. You start out very sensual, though, and I wonder if that's the right tone to begin with. It sets the reader up for something else than what they get on the rest of the page. I'm not a huge fan of the list of shocks. Once is okay, but repeating the phrase gets repetitive and it starts to feel like the character is just standing there, noticing things and is not part of the action. That might work for the character, it's hard to tell in these short pieces, but if he just standing there watching, then can't handle it and faints, I would expect him to be somewhat of a weak character.
ReplyDeleteI'd figured out that this was a video game by the end of the first paragraph so, in a big picture way, I knew what was going on throughout the selection. I had a harder time with the small details. You were throwing around a lot of unfamiliar names, which really slowed down my reading. I'd recommend naming the species/races/whatever they are in this game something that your reader will recognize so that everything goes down a bit easier.
ReplyDeleteI also have to say, the description of the breasts was actually a bit odd on a physical level. If they're on his body, it might make more sense to describe what it feels like to have this foreign body part (and the metal bikini would be horribly uncomfortable) than talking about how the breasts are gravity defying, which sounds like someone outside looking in rather than someone who suddenly realized he has breasts. I also don't buy that breasts in a metal bikini even would be gravity defying. And look, this is a personal preference thing and I get that your character is a hormonal teenage boy and I don't know where this story is going, but, as a female reader, I found the initial objectification of the breasts a fairly alienating entrance point to the story. I'd almost prefer having him be shocked by their existence and thinking about what having them feels like before he thinks about how he's fantasized about burying his face in breasts like these before. It's a valid thing for him to say, but I don't want that to be my introduction to him. And, is it really the first thought he would have, upon realizing that he suddenly has boobs?